Cold Legends
by IMissCaptainCanary
Summary: Leonard Snart/F OC. Pure guilty pleasure reading. Starts season 1, some chapters follow episodes but with my OC/Leonard's inner monologue. Mostly canon-compliant but with some adjustments. TRIGGER WARNINGS: not graphic but there are discussions of trauma aftermath - physical/sexual abuse of child, suicide/depression, self-harm. Please add comments if you have thoughts for future.
1. Chapter 1

CHAPTER 1

"Hey, Haircut. Deafness wasn't one of the side effects." Amelia Warner (Amy) snorts before she can catch herself and quickly covers her mouth. She's just joined up with a team of heroes and villains, traveling through time on a ship called the Waverider, on a mission to save the world. Dr. Ray Palmer, a hero known as the Atom, is questioning if the Rogues should really be left unattended on a timeship. He shoots her a look and she tries to hide her grin.

Although not thrilled about being part of the B team, at least maybe the company wouldn't be so bad. They may be villains, but so far she is definitely enjoying Mick Rory's sense of humor. It makes her resent the fact that she's being left behind on their very first mission a little less, anyway.

It takes about five minutes after the A team disembarks to start the search for Vandal Savage (immortal psychopath) before Sara Lance, a vigilante and former assassin, suggests getting "weird" in the 70s. As they start to walk off the ship, she again has to bite back a grin as Mick tells Gideon (the ship's AI) to "shut it, metal mouth." Criminal or not, Amy's starting to like this guy. She stops in her tracks when Leonard Snart, aka Captain Cold and Mick Rory's partner in crime, turns around and tells her and Jax they "aren't ready to run with this crew." While Jax (the younger half of the hero Firestorm) seems for whatever reason ready to listen, albeit begrudgingly, Amy isn't having it.

"I'm sorry, but I don't believe I was asking your permission to get off this ship." She smiles sweetly and lets her southern drawl come out a little stronger. "You can't make me stay here, though you are welcome to try, hun." She winks at him, and before he can answer she follows Sara back to quarters. Sara supposedly has the perfect outfit – Amy walks toward her own things to find something she can throw together quickly.

Not much later, she is standing in a very colorful bar drinking dollar beers with Sara, Leonard, and Mick "gotta love the 70's" Rory. Despite the fact that they seem to be an odd collection, she finds herself enjoying the company. After Leonard decides to watch Sara dance, Sara turns to Amy, who nods and follows Sara onto the dance floor. It takes all of 45 seconds before a large guy comes over and asks Sara to "join him in the parking lot." Sara declines much more politely than Amy expects, until the jerk grabs her arm and calls her a "bitch." Leonard keeps watching to see if he needs to jump in as Sara breaks the man's wrist, but Sara indicates she has things under control. Amy may be straight, but she enjoys watching Sara fight as much as the boys seem to be. She is not a pushover by any means, but Sara on the other hand fights like a warrior goddess.

Leonard and Mick jump in quickly when Sara says she could stand for a little help. Although clearly the least experienced fighter, Amy gets into a defensive position and follows her teammates into the fray. Amy is a metahuman, able to read and manipulate the emotions. She sees a smaller man advancing toward them, and takes her chance. Perfect – he has bare arms, and her powers work better with skin-to-skin contact. She ducks as he throws a punch, then reaches out and grabs his arm. He clearly thought she was outmatched, and she can feel the arrogance rolling off of him. She focuses on fear, pushing through until she sees his expression change. By the time he manages to get his arm loose, he has panic in his eyes and runs for the door. She turns in time to see her teammates have managed to subdue several bar patrons, but are being pushed to leave the premises.

Amy isn't thrilled with the idea to steal a car to get back, but she also isn't going to wander around the 70s alone. She figures that as long as no one gets hurt (or at least, no one innocent gets hurt) she can deal with a little theft in the name of team bonding. As they approach the ship, it looks like a war zone. She starts to feel the prickling of anxiety, only some of which is her own. She takes a couple of deep breaths and pushes through, blocking out the emotions of the other passengers as much as possible. It is difficult sometimes as an empath, but she tries to minimize the amount she uses her powers on friends and family. She tries her best as a general rule, to respect others' privacy and stay out of the heads and hearts of those close to her. She actually has a power-dampening bracelet that Caitlin Snow, a colleague she me in medical school had given her, courtesy of Cisco. (Cisco, a tech genius, works with Caitlin and is also a metahuman.) However, as a rule she only wears that in places where she has a reasonable expectation of safety. Carousing around the 1970s, time-traveling with people she just met, doesn't exactly fit the criteria. Her ability to read and manipulate emotions is her greatest strength in a fight, especially if she's outmatched in terms of size.

Mick, thinking fast, rams the car into the person firing on the Waverider. As they all jump out of the car, Leonard quips that they went out for "one lousy drink and the rest of the team somehow managed to pick a fight with Boba Fett." In a calmer circumstance, Amy would have laughed. As it is, she is growing concerned about how they will get out of this fight. She tries to read the person firing on them, and to block out everyone else. However, it is easier to focus her powers on an individual (or, for that matter, to block out the emotions of an individual) if it is someone she knows well. Too many members of this team are still strangers to her. Aside from that, she knows there is no way she can get close enough to their assailant to try to touch him, even if she could find a way to get direct skin-to-skin contact. She dodges her way over to Captain Rip Hunter, the Time Master who recruited their team. She manages to make it back to the ship as she tries to stop the bleeding from the man accompanying him's chest. She later finds out this is Aldus, the son of a prior reincarnation of Hawkman and Hawk Girl (Carter and Kendra in this life).

Unfortunately, it looks like Aldus is not going to make it. They also are just learning that Rip is not exactly who he led them to believe, and that he recruited heroes, vigilantes, and villains whose disappearance would have "minimal impact on the recorded timeline." Needless to say, emotions are running high. Amy is starting to get a serious headache trying to block out the rapidly changing emotions of everyone else on the team, not to mention sorting through her own. Still, she has sympathy for Rip Hunter, unable to imagine anything worse than losing a child as Rip had to the tyrant Vandal Savage. As she sits with Sara, Leonard, Mick, and Ray in the cargo bay, she tries to sort through and make her own decision without getting bogged down by the emotions of everyone else. When Ray starts to speak, she doesn't need her power to see how disillusioned he feels. Still she feels a surge of her own anger as he comments on their lack of importance and names Leonard and Mick as a couple of "good for nothing criminals." She feels a brief pang of "hurt" before it is dampened, though she isn't sure which of the men it came from (possibly both). She is glad when Sara calls Ray on his description of their insignificance. When Sara brings up the power to change the future, and their own fates, the surge of hope she feels throughout the room is enough to convince her to go with the crew, "for better or worse." Besides, she has been wandering, somewhat lost since she developed her powers, trying to figure out how exactly she fits into the world anymore. It feels nice to have a purpose again despite the odds stacked against them.


	2. Chapter 2

Now that they have all decided to stay, the team are discussing next steps to finding and eliminating Savage. Amy is _not_ staying behind again. Since it involves thievery, Leonard and Mick's services are requested.

"Fine, whatever, I'll do it." Leonard grabs the info on the dagger they'll be stealing, which belonged to the Hawk people and can apparently dispatch Savage. As Leonard and Mick start to walk off, reluctantly letting Ray tag along, Amy moves to follow them.

"I'm coming too."

"What is this, amateur hour?" Rory growls.

"Look, I may not be an expert thief, but I need to do something. Maybe my powers won't help, but if something goes sideways my medical training might actually be useful. I'm not going to just sit here while everyone else does the heavy lifting. If nothing else, I'll stay out of the way and be your lookout."

Snart rolls his eyes but the crew starts moving again.

Things go pretty smoothly at first. Despite almost getting caught because of the dummy security box that Ray mistakenly disabled, Leonard and Mick are able to knock out the guards without anyone being seriously injured. Just as they are about the grab the knife, however, Ray and Leonard start to argue about Leonard's attitude that "you don't break into a candy store and steal one gumball, Raymond." Amy feels things escalating quickly. Without her powers, she might not have noticed the almost imperceptible flinch when Ray grabs Leonard's arm, or how that flash of anxiety turns quickly to anger. Amy is just about to jump in and say that, ethics aside, it would be less likely to tip off Savage if they stole more than just the one "gumball." Then Leonard throws the first punch and before she can react the cage comes crashing down around them.

"Now what?" Amy asks, looking around them for any weak areas. Leonard walks over and pulls open a panel. Ray questions how he knew what to do, and Leonard fiddles with the equipment as he answers. Mick, who managed to stay outside of the cage, goes to try to cut the power.

"When I was a kid, my dad brought me along on jobs. I had little hands, could get into tiny spaces, do whatever he needed me to do like…rewiring a security system," Leonard answers.

"In another life you could have been an electrical engineer." Ray sits down next to Snart.

"Guess I dodged a bullet. You think I want to be like you?" Leonard's tone is derisive, but the emotion under his words tells a different tale.

"You make being a tech billionaire sound like a bad thing," Ray says defensively.

"You spend all your time and money inventing a super-suit, and what do you do with it? Fly around like the incredible shrinking shmuck trying to save the world," Leonard drawls.

"Robbing banks for a living – I suppose that's more important?" Amy stays silent as she listens to them go back and forth.

"It's sure as hell more satisfying." Leonard points out.

"Thinking like that is what makes you a criminal." Amy starts to think that, for a hero, Ray is pretty close-minded and judgmental.

"No, it makes me a survivor." She feels a pang of something – sadness? regret?- but it's gone before she can even identify the emotion. "And there's gonna come a day when you wish you were too." Leonard focuses on his task, and doesn't make eye contact.

After that, the deep conversations stop but it seems maybe Ray is second-guessing his judgments as well. Either way, he and Snart seem to be working together a little more amicably to get them out of there. Things are looking up...until no other than Vandal Savage walks in holding Mick at gunpoint and demands they call the rest of the team.


	3. Chapter 3

They make it back to the ship, unfortunately down a team member but at the same time more motivated than ever to stop Savage. Rip and Sara are talking in his office with the door open. Apparently Rip is headed to a bank, and Sara is not letting him go alone. Leonard takes that as his cue to enter.

"Somebody say bank?"

Rip rolls his eyes. "Your services aren't required Mr. Snart. This is purely reconnaissance."

"We know how to case banks," Mick growls. "We're practically bankers."

"Except we take the money out," Leonard drawls.

"Yes, and when I need you to steal something, you'll be the first to know, I assure you," Rip says with irritation.

"Listen, Englishman. I'm getting bored being stuck on this tin can here. And when I get bored I make bad decisions." Mick steps toward Rip.

"Now, now, now." Leonard jumps in. He forces himself to put his hands on both men. He's not particularly fond of touch, but in his line of work it can be a useful distraction. He is able to lift the jumpship access card from Rip under the guise of playing peacekeeper. "My hot-headed friend and I just want to be helpful, that's all."

"Duly noted," Rip says before he walks off.

Once Rip is out of the room, Leonard lets Mick in on his little secret and they make their way to the jump ship. They find Jax tinkering with the ship, and Amy watching with interest. Leonard is slightly surprised he is able to convince the two goody-goodies to take a little side trip without resorting to threats of violence, but within a few moments they find themselves on their way to Central City museum to "free a priceless jewel from captivity." Maybe this crew isn't as nauseatingly straight-laced as he had originally thought.

Once they have the emerald, Leonard requests one more stop – Handley Avenue.

"What's on Handley Avenue?" Jax asks.

"It's where we grew up." Mick states. "That's why you wanted to steal the Maximillian Emerald."

"Mick, enough!" Leonard tries to cut Mick off before he reveals too much, but Mick keeps going.

"You wanted to give it to your old man so he wouldn't go to jail trying to steal it for himself."

Jax jumps in, "Your father was a thief, too?"

"And unfortunately not a very good one." Leonard says bitterly.

"Didn't Rip say something about not messing with the timeline?" Mick asks.

"You could accidentally blink yourself out of existence or something," Jax chimes in. "You're screwing with history, man."

Leonard knows that, but he doesn't care. He has to see if he can change things. How could he be here, on this date, and not be able to stop any of the horror that he and his sister will have to face? "Yeah, well, history screwed with me first."

Ultimately they relent and take him to his childhood home. He is glad that they let him take the emerald in alone. He doesn't want them to see too much from his past, but what he really hopes they don't notice is how he takes slow, deep breaths as he approaches the front door. He hates himself in that moment, hates his weakness. He feels disgust at the fact that his hands are shaking slightly. He knows that he isn't in any danger. He isn't a child anymore. But this house is where he experienced so many things that still pop up in his nightmares. He has to force himself through the door and into the living room. When he sees his toys on the table, it hits him that he might actually see his younger self. Sure enough, he turns as he hears his younger self speak.

"I came down for a glass of water." He looks at himself as a child and has the ridiculous urge to grab his younger self and take him away from here before he goes through everything that leads him to become Cold. "I'm Leo. Are you friends with my daddy?"

Leonard doesn't know what to say. "Kind of."

"I think my daddy's sleeping," Leo tells him. _Passed out drunk, maybe,_ Leonard thinks bitterly.

Leonard kneels down beside his younger self, fighting to keep his voice steady. "Can I tell you something, Leo? It's important." He pauses for a moment and takes a breath. "Don't ever let anyone hurt you. Ever. Not here." He points to his temple. "And especially not here." He reaches his hand and touches his younger self over his heart. Leo doesn't flinch, and Leonard feels a pain in his own chest as he realizes that all too soon the little boy in front of him will learn to fear touch. "No matter what, you always have to look out for yourself. Okay?" Leonard feels a burning in his eyes, but his voice stays steady. "You understand?"

"I think so." Leonard hears the gun cock behind him, and practically feels his Captain Cold defenses slam back into place when he turns to look at the monster from his nightmares.

"You get the hell away from my boy, you son of a bitch."

"Why don't you go on up to bed? Go on," he whispers to Leo before he turns around to face his father.

"Talk fast or you take a bullet. What are you doing in my home?"

"A favor," Leonard drawls. "For you." He goes on to pull out the emerald, and though he knows he shouldn't he finds himself telling his father that he would have gotten caught and sent to prison for the next five years. Before he leaves, he does try to instill a little fear in Lewis Snart, who asks how he knows all this.

"The same way I'll know if you even think about raising a hand to your wife and son. I know you. I know the kind of man you become. And it's all I can do to keep from ending you right here, right now. But if I do, that means my sister is never born so you get a pass." He walks away to Lewis' confused call of "your sister?" He stalks outside, breathing deeply. _Fourteen steps from the front door to the end of the driveway, turn left, 25 steps to the jumpship_, he counts to himself as he struggles to keep control.

"Looks like you didn't write yourself out of the timeline," Mick notes when he arrives back at the ship.

"Looks like."

"But?" Jax asks, sensing there is more. Amy just looks at him, with a questioning expression. Leonard doesn't want to reveal too much, but he figures they earned at least a little explanation for everywhere they had gone with him tonight.

"I don't know, I just thought maybe things would feel differently," Leonard says thoughtfully.

"Englishman says it takes time for time to change." Mick muses.

"What were you trying to change?" Jax asks.

Leonard thinks for a moment before deciding to answer. "My dad was never Father of the Year, but at least he never raised a hand to any of us…"

"…until he went to prison. Which now he won't." Jax finishes for him.

Leonard looks away. "Let's get out of here." Leonard has had about as much of feelings as he can take at the moment. On the way back, he tunes everyone out, counting seconds back to the Waverider in his head. _578, 579, 580..._ He both appreciates and despises the fact that the rest of his group is also silent, seeming to know that he needs some time to process.

They don't have much time – they are called to meet the rest of the team and save Rip and Sara before they even make it back to the ship. They succeed in rescuing their teammates, and they manage to recover Carter's body so they can lay him to rest. Before the funeral, Leonard asks Gideon about the timeline, trying to ignore the way his nerves turn his stomach, and trying not to focus on the little seed of hope he feels that maybe his life could turn out differently.

It doesn't take long before it is confirmed that he isn't that lucky. Jax comes onto the bridge and tries to offer some comfort, telling Leonard that at least he tried to save his father, and that "has to count for something."

"Turns out it doesn't," Leonard spits out, trying to seem unaffected. He doesn't have to act long, as Sara comes to get them for Carter's funeral.


	4. Chapter 4

Funerals are far from Amy's favorite place to be. She tries to block out the emotions that are not her own, but it is difficult to block out strong emotions, particularly those coming from multiple sources around her. She thinks she is going to have to start wearing her power-dampening bracelet again soon, but she doesn't really feel okay with that until, or unless, she can trust these people with her life. Although the funeral is difficult, it also seems to be what the team needed to start to heal. The emotions are less overwhelming almost immediately after, and Amy is able to deal with her own sadness about the loss of a teammate without experiencing everyone else's feelings of loss at the same time. Rip of course throws in a statement about the Maximillian emerald, and Leonard is immediately on the defensive. Still, Rip moves them forward effectively, talking about next plans for how to stop Savage.

Amy knows she should probably leave it alone, but she finds herself worried about their master thief. As much as she has tried to give him privacy, she couldn't help but feel a few of his stronger emotions during their travels today. She felt enough before she was able to redirect her powers to know that Leonard is hurting a lot more than he is letting anyone see. So she takes a deep breath and heads toward the cargo bay, which is where it appears Leonard has taken off to. He is sitting on the ground, back against the wall and legs outstretched, bouncing a red rubber ball against the wall opposite him. He lifts his eyes to her, and for a moment neither of them speak. Amy is the first to break the silence.

"I'm sorry it didn't work." His eyes meet hers, and she sees anger there.

"It was stupid, and weak. And it didn't matter, anyway. So unless you have something else to talk about, feel free to run along." He makes a very "Captain Cold style" dismissive hand gesture.

"I get it," she says quietly. "You barely know me, and I don't have to be a genius to figure out that the list of people you trust is probably pretty short." He scoffs. "You don't have to talk to me. I know you probably don't want to. But you can." He sits quietly, avoiding eye contact with her. "Anyway, I know you can handle things alone, but just because you _can_ doesn't mean you _have to_. Believe it or not, there are people that care about you on this ship. And I don't just mean Mick."

Although he doesn't say anything, Leonard gives her a quick nod before retreating to the solitude of his room. He makes it into the shower, turns the water on as hot as it will go and sinks down, knees to his chest, resting his forehead on them. Every drop of water feels like a knife piercing his skin, but slowly the warmth begins to ease a little of the tension still twisting him in knots. And then he finally lets himself cry.

Over the next missions, Amy spends the majority of her time on the ship, training. However, she often keeps her comm on to stay in the loop. One thing that she was always good at, even before the particle accelerator exploded and gave her new powers, was her ability to read people. It was an important part of her job as a doctor. Over time, she catalogues observations about members of her team. She sees how Sara fights the bloodlust, and how Professor Stein (the other half of Firestorm) pushes Jax so hard out of fear for his safety. She also starts to see hints of what Barry Allen (aka the Flash) had claimed – that Leonard has good in him behind his Captain Cold persona. He tries to save Vostok (who it turns out is well aware of who she is working for and is trying to win the Cold War by making a Soviet Firestorm), but when she turns on him he tells Ray not to give into her demands as she will shoot him anyway. Amy feels a spike of worry as she realizes how little he values himself and his own life. In contrast, she sees his desire to make Savage pay for taking out one of his crew (Carter) and his rage at Rip for not sending backup to keep Mick out of the Soviet gulag. He's loyal. And it doesn't take a genius to figure out what he and Sara are talking about during the rescue operation. He urges her not to take the killer's way out, and helps her hold on to her humanity.

Amy doesn't know exactly what happened in 2046, but she can feel the tension between Leonard and Mick when they return to the ship. They have been sitting for about a week trying to find the next place to look for Savage. She has just asked Sara and Leonard to deal her in on the next hand of poker when she hears Mick throw a knife at the wall and yell.

"Don't mind him. He's still sore about having to leave 2046." Snart drawls.

"I'm sore," Mick seethes, "because I was recruited for my unique ability to light things on fire. And now I'm locked in the one place where I can't lock things on fire: a spaceship."

"Where do you think you're going?" Leonard asks as Mick started to walk off.

"Why? You gonna clock me in the head if I don't listen again?" Mick stalks off before Leonard could respond.

"Everything okay with you two?" Sara asks.

"Yeah, peachy."

Amy looks after Mick, worried. She has started to like Mick, but the anger she feels rolling off him is terrifying.


	5. Chapter 5

Hearing Mick describe the Waverider as worse than prison, Leonard knows that things are not going back to normal anytime soon. He hopes that having some time apart on this mission to rescue the Acheron (another time ship) and update Gideon will give Mick enough time to cool off. However, as Sara so subtly points out, he knows that is probably wishful thinking. Still, he and Mick have butted heads lots of times over the years. He believes it when he says Mick will get over the fact that Leonard made him leave 2046, AKA "Disneyland for felons." Of course, there isn't much time to think about this before half the team are captured by pirates and Leonard is locked in the cargo bay with Sara and Amy, trying not to freeze to death.

Leonard asks Sara about her "unique perspective on dying" (having been resurrected), and he notices Amy's amusement at his question despite their dire situation.

"You know, it's funny." Sara shivers. "I mean, you'd expect it to be terrifying, just panic and fear."

"What'd you feel?" Leonard asks.

"I guess…lonely? Yeah, like everybody I loved was a million miles away. I mean, I don't like you but at least I'm not dying alone."

Leonard chuckles softly. "The closest I ever came to dying was the day I met Mick."

"Why does that not surprise me?" Sara asks. Amy snorts.

"It wasn't like that. It was my first day in juvie. I was fourteen, and the smallest kid in there by far. Some of the older kids wanted to make sure I knew it. So, they jumped me. I fought back, but one of them had a shiv. I figured that was it." Leonard pauses. "Then Mick stepped in. And they didn't mess with me after that. He's been standing up for me ever since."

"Let's just hope he's standing up for Rip and Jax now." Sara muses.

"Who else is going to take on those pirates?"

They are silent for awhile. Despite Leonard's desire to protect his personal space, he allows his two teammates to huddle close by. He even sheds his coat and hands it to Sara, who is unfortunately wearing a very thin shirt. He and Amy are at least wearing sweaters. Sara's lips have started turning blue by the time she burrows herself down into Leonard's coat.

"Nothing quite like dying to make you think about all the mistakes, all the wrong choices." Leonard is surprised how much he is disclosing. He blames it on hypothermia. His brain feels muddled.

"Is this Leonard Snart coming to God in his final moments?"

"Hardly." His teeth are chattering. "Just wishing I could take a few things back." He rubs his hands together rapidly, trying to warm up. Amy leans a little closer to him, and he is surprised when he doesn't jump at the feeling of warmth when her shoulder rests against his arm. He wonders briefly if that is the hypothermia, too. "I should have left Mick in future Star City."

"Why didn't you?"

"Without me to keep him in check, Mick can be a scary guy."

"Agreed. Hate to break it to you but even if we make it out of here alive, you're still going to have a problem on your hands." Sara shivers. "I've seen enough to know that Mick's in a dark place. He's not coming back."

Leonard wants to protest, but he is so, so cold. He just hopes she's wrong.

Once Ray repairs the cargo bay, and the three near-popsicles escape to warmer climates, it seems like things are looking up. When Gideon tells them Mick has escaped and is returning to the Waverider, Leonard smiles and thinks maybe everything is going to be okay.

An hour later, everything has changed. Nothing is okay. Leonard always has a plan, but he doesn't know what to do. And he would rather die than admit it, but he is terrified. The events of the last hour are a blur. Mick betrayed the team. Leonard fired on the pirates, but couldn't bring himself to fire on Mick until he thought Mick was going to kill Sara. He didn't think, couldn't think about firing on the man who had been a brother to him for so many years. When he realized that Mick would actually kill Sara, he reacted, and fired a blast just enough to knock Mick down. When Mick asked him what he was going to do, he didn't answer. He still has no idea. But he feels like something has broken inside him.

"OK, I'll say it." Ray starts. "Why don't we just drop him off in 2016?"

"Because my sister lives in 2016," Leonard replies softly. "And your sister," looking at Sara, "and your wife," looking at Stein…

"So what exactly are we talking about here?" Jax asks. "Leaving Rory in the brig until we take down Savage?"

"No, no, no. The brig is unsuitable for long-term incarceration," Rip responds. Leonard feels numb, empty.

"Leaving him free run of the ship is not an option," Sara notes.

"I'll handle it," Leonard can't handle talking about this anymore. They are going in circles and getting nowhere. He needs a moment to think, alone.

"By handling it, you mean murder?" Stein asks. _So much for a moment to think._

"I said I'll handle it," Leonard snarls back before stalking off.

He drags Mick's unconscious body into the woods. He looks at Mick and sighs, dreading what he has to do.

"I told you that'll be the last time you hit me," Mick growls as he wakes up.

"You were right," Leonard agrees quietly.

"That the plan? Take me out in the middle of nowhere, where no one can find the body?" Mick is furious, and Leonard tries to keep hold of the emptiness he feels. He can't handle the despair underneath.

"I wish there were some other way, Mick, but you're dangerous. A liability to the team." Leonard hopes Mick can't hear how close he is to breaking.

"Team? You and I were a team! What happened to you?" Mick roars.

"People change."

"You think you're some kind of hero, but deep down you're still the same punk kid I saved in juvie. You haven't got the guts. You want to kill me? Kill me. Only one of us is walking out of here alive."

"You're right," Leonard says, and he fires his cold gun.


	6. Chapter 6

He couldn't bring himself to kill Mick. As he walks back to the ship after leaving Mick marooned in the woods, out of time, he feels like he is in a stupor. Of course, given the fact that he is very likely experiencing hypothermia for the second time in a single day, that part is not surprising. He wishes he could say he was surprised that most of the team are gone when he gets back.

Amy sees Leonard stumble slightly as he comes back onto the ship, and walks over toward him cautiously. She knows he might not like company, but his eyes look glazed over and she isn't sure he should be alone, either.

"Leonard," she calls softly. He looks at her, but his eyes still appear unfocused. He has been gone for hours. He flinches when Amy starts to reach out to him, but then stills. "Are you okay?" She realizes how dumb that sounds the moment the words leave her mouth. She adds, "…physically?" When Leonard doesn't answer, she asks "Gideon?"

"Mr. Snart is suffering from hypothermia. I recommend rewarming immediately."

"Leonard, come on. I'll walk you to the medbay." Leonard shakes his head no, and the look in his eyes is enough for her to stop and ask Gideon if it has to be medbay. When she gets the confirmation that going into any heated room where he can get out of his damp clothes is sufficient, she gestures for him to follow her toward his room instead. Once inside, she asks Gideon to crank up the heat.

"Leonard, you need to get out of your wet clothes, okay? Where are your extras?" Leonard points toward the dresser, indicating that Amy is free to pull something out for him. She works quickly. Gently, she guides him over to the bed to sit down.

"I'm going to help you so we can get you warm faster, okay?" When he doesn't answer she bends down and starts unlacing his boots and getting him into dry socks. Luckily that seems to be the only thing aside from his coat that was damp. She goes to grab more blankets from the corner, calling over her shoulder that he needs to take his coat off. He obeys without comment, which is more than enough to tell her he still is not doing well. His teeth are chattering and he is shaking, and she suspects from more than just the cold. She drapes the warmest blanket she can find over his shoulders and wraps it around him. She asks if he wants a second blanket, and he gives an almost imperceptible nod. She drapes another over his shoulders and kneels down next to him.

Amy has had enough clinical experience to recognize Leonard's aversion to touch and his startling as probably PTSD related. So despite trying to warm him quickly, she moves cautiously and deliberately, making sure he sees her approach any time she needs to touch him or invade his space. She has also seen her fair share of panic attacks. Still, she never would have expected to see one from Leonard Snart. But even as he stops shivering so violently, his breaths come faster and faster.

Leonard feels like he can't breathe. He doesn't have the energy to feel ashamed, but he knows later he will be angry with himself for letting someone see him like this. Feelings are a weakness that can be exploited – he learned that at a very young age. However, despite himself he has started to bond with members of this team, and being around all these do-gooders all the time has awakened emotions he had forgotten he had. He has lost his ability to stay cold. And it hurts.

He doesn't realize he is gasping until he hears Amy murmur, "Breathe." She moves slightly, and he flinches. Hates himself for letting that reaction show, but he is too keyed up right now to suppress it. Amy slows her movement but takes his hand and places it over her heart. "Breathe with me, Leonard." She starts taking slow, deep breaths, holding his hand over her heart. Leonard tries to focus on the warmth he feels under his hand, and nothing else.

Eventually, he starts to breathe easier. He stops feeling like he could shake apart at any moment. Despite himself, his eyes keep trying to close. He is exhausted.

"You should get some rest," Amy says softly. "Do you want me to go?" He realizes his hand is still on her chest. He had forgotten for a moment. He doesn't have the energy to be surprised by that. He wants to tell her to go, that he can take care of himself. But he sees understanding in her eyes rather than pity, and manages to give a small shake of his head no. "Okay." She pauses, uncertain. She looks around the room and realizes there is basically nowhere to sleep but the bed. Luckily the bed looks big enough for them to both lay there without being on top of each other. "Lay down before you fall off the bed, okay." She gives him a small smile. He lays down slowly, getting settled where there is room for Amy to lay down without their having to touch. She lays down facing him, and before long they both drift to sleep.

Leonard wakes in a cold sweat from a nightmare. His father of all people was there, watching him, as he murdered his best friend. He can still see Mick's eyes asking him why as he gasps himself awake. He presses the heels of his palms to his eyes and lets himself sob once before trying to steady his breath.

"Leonard?" Before he can register what is going on, he has crashed into the wall on his side of the bed. Then he remembers Amy was there with him. He tries telling his body that he's safe, but adrenaline is already flooding his system and he is hyperventilating and shaking and he can't –

"Gideon, can you please turn the lights on low?" He hears Amy ask and he wants to say no – he doesn't want her to see him like this, and he can't seem to stop the hot tears that are streaming down his face. He does the next best thing and throws an arm over his eyes, trying to block everything out. "Len, can you look at me?" He shakes his head. "It was just a dream."

Leonard scoffs. It wasn't just a dream – he had really left Mick in the middle of nowhere (or "no-when").

"_I wish there was some other way, Mick, but you're dangerous. A liability to the team."_

"_You and I were a team! What happened to you?"_

He lets out a breath that sounds more like a sob. He hates this. He can't remember the last time anyone has seen him cry, and he can't stop.

"I'm going to come back up and sit next to you, okay?" Amy asks softly. She waits for Leonard to nod briefly. She sits close enough that he can feel her there, but not quite touching. She lays her hand palm-up next to him – an invitation – but doesn't move farther than that into his personal space. He notices she is wearing the power-dampening bracelet – he had asked her about it after a mission, and was relieved after hearing about her powers that she kept it on most of the time on the ship. He takes a few shaky breaths before resting his hand on top of hers. He's not really sure why he does, other than that he still can't speak and he wants to show some type of appreciation for her kindness.

She doesn't ask him what he'd dreamed about, and for that he's grateful. She just sits with him and strokes the back of his hand with her thumb. He eventually feels the tears stop (_thank God)_ and he uses the arm draped over his face to wipe away the evidence before resting it at his side.

"Do you think you can go back to sleep?" she asks softly. Leonard shakes his head. Sure, he's tired. But he would rather die of sleep deprivation than have that nightmare again. "Cards?" He shakes his head again. "Movie?" He shrugs. She grins. "Ever seen Galaxy Quest?"

He has not, and Gideon is able to cue it up. Amy doesn't speak until the opening credits start. She squeezes his hand once and whispers, "it's not your fault, you know. You didn't have a choice. At least, not any good choices." He wants to argue, and at the same time he wants to believe her. He has the absurd urge to start crying again, and so he doesn't answer. He squeezes her hand once, a signal that he has heard her. Then the movie starts, and they sit in silence. Leonard fights sleep as long as he can, but dozes off about halfway through.


	7. Chapter 7

Leonard wakes up feeling humiliated. He is relieved when they are called to the bridge to get ready for the next mission. They have just arrived in Harmony Falls in 1958 and Rip is telling them about how local teens have gone missing.

"Huh. Kind of like Rory," Jax says pointedly, making eye contact with Leonard briefly. Rip keeps talking, seemingly unaware, as he outlines all of their roles for the mission. He is saved from having to respond when the team divides up to explore Harmony Falls.

He and Rip are posing as FBI agents, which might be fun if it didn't sting every time he heard the word "partner." When they come back to the team, Leonard reports that all he's gotten from the missing person case files is that "Savage is very good at making people disappear."

"Something you both have in common," Jax mutters under his breath. "Are we just gonna pretend that none of this happened? That Mick Rory wasn't a part of our team? If you could ice your best friend like that, I hate to think what you could do to us."

"Nobody was offering up any better suggestions before, but now we're going to judge?" Amy speaks forcefully. "You were all there when we had our little team meeting. How is it right to leave someone to make an impossible decision and then condemn them for doing the best they could in a situation with nothing but shitty options?" Leonard avoids eye contact and stays quiet.

"Right now, we need to stay focused on the mission," Kendra states calmly. Leonard barely hears anything else that is said after that. He can hear the rush of blood in his ears, and feels dizzy and hot. He tries to swallow around the lump in his throat, to just breathe. He feels a rush of relief when they adjourn and he can escape, can be alone.

Back in his room he paces, fists clenched, feeling a nervous vibration underneath his skin. He walks by his reflection in the mirror and before he can think twice he has punched through the glass. He swings again and again, and again, eventually just hitting the wall behind what used to be his mirror. By the time he exhausts himself, he sinks down to the floor and covers his face with his now aching hands. His hands are already starting to bruise, and when he feels something wet on his face he assumes it is just the blood from the dozens of slices on his hands. He lets out a shaky breath that is more like a sob and realizes that not all of the liquid on his face is blood. His ears keep ringing, and he can't hear anything else. He sits on the floor shaking and hyperventilating, and his vision starts to go dark.

Eventually, he snaps out of it as he hears Gideon calling his name. He realizes she has been talking to him for awhile. He hasn't had an episode like this, where he lost time, for years. He feels shaken and disoriented in addition to the aching in his hands.

"Mr. Snart, Dr. Warner is on her way."

"No," he rasps. "I'm fine."

"On the contrary, you have lost a fair amount of blood and I would be shocked if you don't have what is commonly known as a boxer's fracture. You also were not responding."

Leonard flushes, and tries to hide his embarrassment with anger. "Well, I'm responding now," he snaps. "I'm fine – believe me, I've had worse."

There is a knock on the door before he can argue with Gideon further. Gideon does not wait for Leonard's consent and opens the door to let Amy in.

His hands hurt terribly, but at least it serves as a distraction from the emotions that feel like they could drown him if he lets them out. Amy takes one look at him and gasps. "Leonard, what happened?" Leonard closes his eyes, the world spinning, and takes deep breaths. He fees a little sick, but nods when Amy asks if he can walk to the medbay.

"Leonard?" She holds a hand out to him, but he ignores it and tries to stand on his own. He sways for a second, and she keeps her hand stretched out near him just in case. He refuses any help getting to the medbay, and collapses into a chair as soon as they arrive.

"Dr. Warner, I can heal the fractures, but before I start on the cuts he has several shards of glass that must be removed."

"OK Gideon, on it." Amy rushes around the medbay, gathering supplies. He flinches when she finally sits and reaches for his hand. If he had the energy, he would hate himself for that show of weakness. However, Amy shows no reaction other than to slowly continue reaching for his hand.

"I'm sorry, this is going to hurt," she speaks softly. Leonard nods briefly, giving her consent to get started. "Gideon, can you give him something for the pain? Or to let him sleep through this?" Leonard starts to shake his head, but Amy is not having it. Gideon of course replies in the affirmative. _Traitor._

"Len, what good is it going to do for you to suffer?"

"I'm sure there are people on this ship who'd disagree with your concern."

"And I thought I made my thoughts on that quite clear." Leonard gives her a look at that. He is quiet for a few moments.

.

"You didn't have to do that," he says softly.

"Do what?" Amy asks.

"Defend me." He looks away, clearly uncomfortable.

"Yes, I did. I didn't say anything that I don't think is true. We need to come together as a team right now, not tear each other apart. If they want to be mad at someone, it should be Mick. Nobody was offering up any other suggestions when they put you in that position. And now they want to play Monday morning quarterback?" Leonard doesn't say anything. "Look, I know that you don't like talking about feelings, so I'm going to make this really quick." His shoulders tighten and he blatantly avoids eye contact. "You made the best choice you could from a collection of nothing but shitty choices. I know that you feel guilty, and you seem to feel the need to punish yourself. But I'll be damned if I am going to let them do it for you." Leonard looks even more uncomfortable, if that were possible. "I'd prefer you not punish yourself either. So will you, please take the pills?" He rolls his eyes, but he takes the medication.

Once Leonard's hands are back to normal, they are able to rejoin the team. From that point on, things happen fairly quickly with regard to the mission. Leonard has a sinking feeling that Jax is in danger, and unfortunately he is right. Finding Jax and the other missing teenagers as hawk monsters is, however, unexpected. He tries not to think about Mick, and when he makes comments that teammates ignore (such as how he understands Stein feeling unbalanced at being suddenly without his partner), he tries not to hurt.

When they return, however, Stein makes it clear that they would have had no chance of saving Jax if not for Leonard's actions. Leonard, unused to receiving praise, tries to brush it off. "Let's not get sentimental. Another minute, things might have gone down very differently."

"Despite your bravado, Mr. Snart, the actions that I witnessed last night were nothing short of heroic." At that point the gene therapy starts to work, saving Leonard from having to respond.

A few hours later, Leonard is staring out the window of the Waverider, lost in thought, when Jax approaches.

"Well, look who's up and about."

"I guess I owe you an apology. Grey told me about what happened back at the asylum. You had the chance to kill me, and you didn't. After last night, I know enough about being a monster to know that you're not one."

"Stop. I'm getting misty-eyed." Leonard turns away, hoping Jax won't see the truth behind the snark.

"I just want you to know, about what happened with Rory? I get it. You were protecting us. And that doesn't make you a murderer. It makes you a part of this team."

"Jefferson, you should be resting." Stein comes onto the bridge, and Leonard is grateful for the interruption. He discreetly swipes his hand across his eyes while Jax is turned around to protest.

"…I just want to get the hell out of Mayberry."

"Agreed," Leonard has gotten his Cold mask back into place. "We're just waiting on Sara and the two lovebirds to get back. Seems they've taken quite a shine to 1958." Suddenly, there is an explosion. Amy rushes to join them out on the bridge. Before they have time to react, Chronos is aboard the ship and has opened fire. Not only that, he was somehow able to override Gideon's controls and force the Waverider to take off – leaving Sara, Kendra, and Ray in 1958. Chronos knocks Leonard out and takes him to the jumpship, and Amy, Rip, Stein, and Jax are left freefalling through time.


	8. Chapter 8

Leonard wakes up on an unfamiliar ship. _Chronos. _

He tries to cover his uncertainty with snark. "What's so special about me? I mean, aside from my sparkling personality. Back on the Waverider, you could've taken your boy, Rip. But you took me instead. Why?" He feels irritated when Chronos ignores him. He's definitely NOT afraid. "Hey, if you're gonna kill me, you could at least tell me what's going on!"

"You should have figured it out by now," Chronos removes his helmet, revealing Mick. "After all, I am supposed to be the dumb one."

Leonard gapes at him. "How? I think I deserve to know what the hell is going on here!"

"You deserve nothing." Even after recent events, coming from Mick that stings.

"Says the man who sold us out to the pirates. When I dropped you off in that forest, I meant to kill you. That was the plan."

"You should've stuck with the plan and done me a favor."

"I am sorry, Mick. I may not have trusted you on the ship with the team, but I always, always was coming back for you."

"Seems like one of us lost track of time."

"Well, how long did you..." Leonard tries to think, to figure out why he would not have gone back to the moment after they left.

"By the time they found me, I'd nearly lost my mind. I was so weak I was strangling rats to survive."

Leonard feels sick. "When who found you?"

"The Time Masters. They took me to a place called the Vanishing Point. Time doesn't exist there the way it does on Earth. I've spent lifetimes being restored by them, training by them, fighting by them... being reborn."

"And, uh, when exactly did your new friends give you the, uh, lobotomy?" This isn't Mick. _It can't be. _

"You think I was hunting you and your friends because the Time Masters made me? They barely had to ask."

Leonard tries another tactic. "Look, if you're gonna kill me, just do it already."

Unfortunately, Mick knows the only way he can _really_ hurt him. "I'm not gonna kill you. I'm gonna take a trip back to Central City and visit your baby sister." _No! "_ The beautiful thing about time travel is I get to kill her more than once. I can kill Lisa in front of you, go back in time, kill her in front of you again and again and again."

The ships AI breaks in at that moment, while Leonard sits there reeling. "Sir, several anomalies in the timeline suggest that the Waverider has touched down in Nanda Parbat."

"Chart a course," Mick/Chronos commands. "I used to think the most beautiful thing on Earth was fire. Now I know it's vengeance."

Mick/Chronos is eerily silent and still as they travel to Nanda Parbat. Leonard has to figure out how to get free.

"Would you mind loosening these up a little bit before you leave?" _Worth a shot._ "Just out of curiosity, what do you think your new masters are gonna do with you once you've delivered the team up to them? I don't expect there's a pension plan for old bounty hunters. Once they get what they want from you, they're gonna toss you aside."

"Like you tossed me aside?"

Leonard feels a flash of anger. "You and I both made choices that led us to this moment. What matters, Mick, is your next move. And I'm willing to bet that some little piece of the old you is in that armor somewhere." He hopes Mick doesn't hear the desperation in his voice.

"No. You're wrong," he answers emotionlessly before exiting the ship in Nanda Parbat.

Leonard tries to think. He doesn't have much time. He looks around for anything he can pick the lock in his handcuffs with. _Of course Mick would have thought of that._ He contemplates whether he can break his thumb and slide his hand through the cuffs, but the cuffs are too tight. He sees his cold gun just within reach. His stomach is in knots as he realizes what he is going to have to do. He thinks about Lisa and steels himself as he fires at his own hand.

The one good thing about having Lewis for a father? He has an extremely high pain tolerance. It's the only thing that keeps him conscious when he shatters his frozen hand. He's free, though it takes a moment before his head stops reeling enough that he can stand. He makes his way in the direction he saw Mick head off.

He arrives just in time to see the team ready to finish off Chronos.

"Don't do it," he calls, clutching his hand. "Don't kill him."

"Snart? Sorry, _don't_ kill Chronos?" Rip asks incredulously.

"He's not Chronos. Show them."

"My God," Leonard hears someone whisper.

"There is no God," Mick says just before Sara knocks him unconscious.


	9. Chapter 9

Back on the ship, they drag Mick into the brig. He starts shouting as soon as he wakes up. "You think this is all over? I will kill every single one of you. I will watch you all burn! You... you should have killed me when you had the ch..."

Leonard is momentarily grateful when Rip mutes Mick. "You owe us an explanation." Then the moment of gratitude passes.

Stein chimes in. "Yes, it's quite remarkable Mr. Rory is working for the Time Masters, considering you killed him."

"If you think back, I never actually said I killed him." _So what if that's just a technicality?_

"No, you just let us think that you did," Jax says, clearly angry.

"I didn't have to try too hard, did I?" Leonard mind is spinning, and he wishes they would just get the lecture over with. He leans on the wall for support, but the shock of freezing and then breaking off his own hand is getting to him. Not to mention the emotional rollercoaster he's been on today. And he doesn't know how a limb that is no longer even there can be so damn painful. The one positive thing about it is that it is keeping him from being able to focus on the emotions running just under the surface. He can't think about Mick being tortured because of him, about Mick threatening _Lisa _– who he had watched grow up and helped Leonard raise - about one of the few people he'd ever given a damn about hating him so, so much. "Well, maybe I should have killed him. And at least he wouldn't have would up a chew toy for the Time Masters," Leonard says bitterly.

He sinks down to the ground and sits as they all talk about how they are going to reform Mick, and how he is worth saving. He would have laughed, if he didn't think it might turn into a sob. _Too bad they couldn't decide Mick was worth saving before. _ "He's a lost cause," Leonard mutters.

"I don't know about that," Rip says with some theatricality, "you'll see that miracles abound on this old time ship." He leads Leonard to the medbay.

"Gideon, start the regeneration process."

"What do you mean by 'regeneration'?" Leonard asks, suspicious.

"I took genetic samples from each of you at the start of our voyage for this exact eventuality."

"Why am I only hearing about this now?" Leonard is getting pretty tired of Rip keeping things from them.

"Because none of you had lost a limb yet."

"Ow." And then Leonard actually regrows a hand.

As the days go on, with the team stuck while Rip tries to find a place to go after Savage next, Leonard tries not to think about Mick locked in the brig. He used to be better at this. He wishes he had never let himself start to feel – because feeling means hurting, and he is not ready to face the amount of hurt that thinking about Mick will bring.

Not to mention, he is trying not to be completely disturbed by his new hand. Leonard may spend most of his time fully covered, but he is used to knowing every part of his body by both form and function. He knows it's a holdover from having to constantly be on eggshells to avoid beatings at home. He _knows_ that his father is dead. He killed him. Still, he finds himself feeling disconcerted that his new hand doesn't feel, or work, the way it is supposed to. Not only that, his skin is oversensitive and there are no scars. _Physically, anyway_, he thinks bitterly.

He has Gideon fashion him an exercise ball and starts using it religiously, intent on getting back to normal as fast as possible. _Especially with Mick around - no, don't think about that. Squeeze, toss, throw._ He disassembles, reassembles, and tests the cold gun obsessively, over and over. He picks every lock on the ship, loving and unlocking everything on the ship at least a dozen times trying to get back his former level of control.

Unfortunately, Kendra accidentally brushes against his hand one morning, and Leonard blanks out for a moment. The next thing he realizes, the mug he had been holding is shattered on the ground and everyone is staring at him. His cheeks burn with shame, and he wonders exactly how many seconds he has been standing there when he feels himself starting to panic. Not wanting to lose face any more in front of the team, he mutters a quick "sorry" as he rushes out the door. He stalks off, hoping no one saw his mask slipping. He thinks briefly about going back to his room, but the cargo hold is closer and no one really goes in there for the most part. He slides down the wall behind a few crates and curls in on himself, trying to breathe.

"Len?" He hears Amy call him in a soft voice. "I know you're here. I can see your shadow. I'm coming in unless you tell me to leave." She pauses for a moment, then comes around to where they can see each other. Leonard automatically stiffens when Amy slides down the wall next to him.

"I didn't..." He swallows, but he just can't force his normal drawl out. "I didn't hurt anyone, did I?"

Amy shakes her head. "No, just the mug. It's not like we're on a futuristic ship that can manufacture anything we want in seconds, anyway." She smiles. "No harm done."

Leonard has his new hand clutched to his chest, working at the muscles with his free fingers. "It's your hand, right?" Amy asks, then pauses. "Have you ever heard of 'phantom limb'?" He shakes his head. "So, basically it takes people awhile for their brains to catch up to the fact that a limb is missing. A guy who loses his entire leg can somehow still feel pain in the foot on that side. We don't know exactly how it works, but I am guessing that your nervous system just went through the ringer with losing a limb and then growing it back."

Leonard finds that surprisingly comforting. This is actually a thing, not just his overactive brain. He closes his eyes briefly and takes another deep breath. He tries to ignore the fact that it doesn't really explain why he lost time again.

"It _will _get better." Leonard opens his eyes at that. "I can help you do some exercises to desensitize it, if you want." Leonard nods curtly. "Lay your hand next to you," she instructs. "OK, I'm going to touch your hand. If you need me to stop, then say so." Leonard takes a deep breath, and she rests her fingers lightly on the back of his hand.

"Deep breaths," he hears Amy murmur. He's not breathing right again, and his vision is starting to go dark at the edges. Amy doesn't move, just sits with her hand on top of his until his "fight or flight" system calms down. "Are you okay?" She asks him with what seems like genuine concern.

Leonard nods and lets out a sigh. He is still on edge, but he doesn't feel like he might pass out anymore. "I'm fine."

"Okay. Let me know again if you need to stop." She curls her hand around his, covering the entire back of his hand lightly. He's starting to get a tension headache, and his internal alarm is going off and won't stop. But he doesn't lose time, and he's able to control his external reactions at least. "Do you want to keep going, or stop for now."

"Let's call it quits for now." Leonard tries his best for casual. "I think that actually helped some." She smiles at him as she stands up.

"We can do this again, if you want." Leonard is surprised she is volunteering to sit her for who knows how long to hold his hand while he tries not to panic. However, he appreciates the offer, and before he can overanalyze it he mutters, "sure." Amy starts to leave.

"Amy." She pauses, glancing back, and the words nearly stick in his throat. "Thank you."

She smiles.

The next time, he tries threading his fingers through hers. At first it feels overwhelming. He closes his eyes, trying to calm himself as he hears his breaths coming faster.

"Breathe," he thinks he hears her say over the roaring in his ears. "Breathe, Len." Her touch vanishes, and the alarm bells quiet just a little. He doesn't open his eyes until he can match her breathing.

"Okay?" Amy asks softly. It's all he can do to nod.

Whenever they have down time, she finds him alone in the cargo hold and she sits with him. Some days he can't handle her touch at all. Other days he makes progress, with Amy talking him through the embarrassing near-panic. She distracts him sometimes by telling him about her past, pieces of her story that he hadn't already learned from Gideon's files. She tells him how terrifying it was when she first got her powers – how she thought she was going crazy before she figured out that not all of the emotions she was feeling were her own. How she left her medical practice out of fear that she couldn't remain objective and rational anymore, and how lost and purposeless she felt after. She talks about how she lost friends and even family who were afraid to be around her and didn't trust her power-dampening bracelet. She admits to him how much it hurt that they just didn't trust _her._ Leonard mostly listens, grateful for the distraction and her patience. Before he realizes it, they've started to become friends.


	10. Chapter 10

Amy and Leonard go out on their first mission in days, and the heat index is about 120 F. They were sent to do some surveillance, but unfortunately they lost communication with the team and have no idea when they'll be picked up. They're also in a small shack with no air conditioning.

"I _despise_ the heat," Leonard groans. Despite his complaints, he's still wearing a jacket for some reason. Amy doesn't know how he hasn't passed out, since she is practically naked by now and still the heat is unbearable. Leonard keeps making sarcastic comments about the heat about every 45 seconds.

However, then Amy notices that he hasn't complained in a good ten minutes, and she starts to get concerned. She notices his face is red and lined with sweat. He looks up at her briefly and she sees his eyes are glassy.

"Leonard, you need to get some layers off." He just looks at her, expression a mixture of confusion and irritation. "Come on, Leonard, take off your jacket so you can cool down." She speaks a little more urgently, and holds out her hand. Finally, he shrugs his way out of the jacket and hands it to her. She reaches toward his face to try to guess his temperature, kicking herself mentally when he flinches. She knows better than to try to touch him suddenly and without warning. She's concerned enough, and out of it a little but herself, that she forgot for a moment. She moves slower, and frowns when she touches his forehead. "Geez, you feel like you might actually burst into flames. Len, you need to strip down." He shakes his head, and she sighs. "Len – "

"I'm not doing it. I'm serious."

"So am I. You are severely overheated. If we don't get you cooled down you are going to die out here. And I am not dragging your body back to the Waverider." Her voice is shaking a little now. "Please, Len."

He's silent for a long moment, then starts to stiffly remove his long-sleeved shirt. She notices scars scattered across his torso and his arms, and given what she knows about his childhood she suspects that is the source of his apparent modesty. Some are recognizable – cigarette burns, a couple of gunshot wounds…she makes note of a linear scar running from the wrist toward his elbow on each side – right over the path of the radial artery. His eyes dare her to comment about his scars before he shuts them. She tries very hard not to worry about the fact that he barely responds to her touch when she checks to see if he has cooled down at all.

She almost cries in relief when the Waverider finally appears. Leonard, however, doesn't react. "Len? Len! Time to go,"

She touches his shoulder gently. It takes a second before he reacts at all. He sits up and tries to stand, but stumbles and falls back down. She catches sight of his back and manages not to gasp. His back is even more scarred, with lash marks crisscrossing over much of his skin. She needs to get him onto the ship, but she remembers how she has never seen him in anything other than long sleeves and tries to at least drape his shirt over his back. She ties her shirt to his and drapes it over his front, so he is wearing an improvised smock. She tries to help him stand again but it quickly becomes clear he is not going to make it to the ship. She is relieved when Jax comes out to help, as he can support the majority of Leonard's weight. She can walk, but her own legs feel like jelly.

They're about halfway to the ship when Leonard starts fighting Jax. They both try to talk to him, to reason with him, but he is delirious and hyperventilating, and they don't have _time_ for this. Amy takes off her bracelet and reaches out, touching his bare arm. She is hit by a flood of panic, but pushes as much calmness as possible back. She feels him start to calm, and Jax is able to get an arm around him and get him back to the ship.

Leonard wakes up in the medbay, hooked up to an IV. He startles when he realizes that he is practically naked under the sheet. He looks around and sees Amy asleep in a chair nearby. She wakes and looks at him.

"Hey, welcome back." She smiles. He just looks at her. "You had heat exhaustion. Gideon says you're going to be fine, you're just still a little low on fluids. How do you feel?"

"Peachy," he groans. He remembers the stifling heat, Amy making him take off his clothes, and…flipping out on the way back to the Waverider. He was barely conscious when he realized people were touching him, and that he was exposed. And he started to panic. The only thing that stopped him was … he looked over at Amy.

"You used your powers on me."

"Leonard, you were so sick from the heat. It was the only way-"

"Can you leave me alone, please?"

"Len…" she started to protest, but she must have seen the anger in his eyes, because she leaves without saying anything else.

Sara finds him awhile later in the cargo hold, hurling a ball at the wall and catching it. "Wanna talk about it?" She crosses the room and sits nearby, waiting. Leonard doesn't say anything. "I ran into Amy right after you kicked her out of the medbay."

Leonard rolls his eyes. "And?"

"Kind of a strange reaction to someone saving your life."

"I think it's a perfectly normal reaction to having someone pull your strings like a puppet."

Sara looks thoughtful. "You're mad because she used her powers?" Leonard looks at her with an expression that clearly says _no shit, Sherlock._ "Len, you know her. She wears that bracelet everywhere on this ship so she doesn't accidentally invade someone's privacy. You really think she was trying to manipulate you?" When he doesn't answer she continues. "I saw her when they got you into the medbay. She was terrified. Gideon had to sedate her so she'd sit down and get treated herself. She was afraid for _you."_

Leonard doesn't answer for a long moment. He throws the ball hard and lets it bounce until it stops. "So, as it turns out I'm an asshole."

"Just go talk to her. She cares about you. She'll forgive you."

"We'll see." He heads off to find Amy with a sigh. He doesn't have to look far – she is in her room.

"Can I help you with something, Leonard?"_ So… she is still angry with him. _

"I may have…overreacted a bit." She gives him a look that clearly says _oh, really_? He wishes this were easier. "Can we maybe talk about this inside?" She looks at him warily for a second before gesturing for him to enter and shutting the door. He sits on the small sofa she somehow got Rip to allow. She sits on the chair across from him, saying nothing.

He takes a breath and looks down. He doesn't think he can look her in the eye. He'll never get this out if he does. He's so nervous he feels like hurling.

"I've told you my father wasn't the greatest." He sees her nod out of the corner of his eye. "In some ways, it would have been easier if he were a monster all the time. Every so often, he would be nice to us for a few weeks, and act like he was a real father. He'd spoil Lisa, and buy her toys, and take us out for ice cream." It makes him feel angry despite the years that have passed. Len clenches his fists, willing himself to calm down.

"He treated us well just often enough to keep us loyal," he continues softly. "He used the fact that we loved him, that we wanted him to love us. And every time, I would think that maybe things were going to be different from then on. Maybe he really did love us, maybe we could be good enough that he wouldn't—" He chokes off for a second, takes a shaky breath. "And I would try to do what he wanted, to make him proud, but those times never lasted."

"I was practically an adult by the time I realized that he did it on purpose, that it was all an act. That he really was a monster." She doesn't say anything, and for that, he's grateful; he doubts he could start talking again if she did. "I'm not a good person. I'm a criminal and a liar. I hurt people and I rob them. And as you saw in Russia, I might try to sweet-talk a mark. But I never – he used to beat the hell out of me and then force _me _to apologize and tell him I loved him. He played his little game, knowing Lisa and I really did love him –" It's an effort to keep his voice steady, to force the words out.

"I learned a long time ago that emotions are just a weakness, a way for someone to control you. I understand why you did what you did, but someone having power over me in that way – it just – " He trails off, and Amy crosses the space and sits next to him on the sofa. Amy gently uncurls his hands, and he realizes his hands are clenched so tightly that his nails have cut into his palms. He realizes he's crying when he tries to look up and sees the world through a watery haze. He ducks and turns his head, embarrassed._ You open yourself up to feelings just a little bit and all of a sudden you're crying like a baby. _

"I'm sorry," Amy says softly, tugging at his hand to turn him back towards her. He can feel her eyes on him, and does turn his head toward her, but he still can't bring himself to look at her. "I would never have done that if I could have thought of another choice. It was just so hot, and I couldn't think of any other way to get you on the ship. And I was so scared that you were going to die before I could get you help." He blinks rapidly, unintentionally sending his tears streaming down his cheeks. Amy cautiously puts her arms around him, resting her chin on his shoulder and hugging him gently. He wills himself to relax and accept the comfort. She murmurs, "Thank you for telling me. I'm sorry if I hurt you."

When the tears finally stop, he has to force himself to sit upright. He can't look at her, and his cheeks burn.

"Movie?" she asks softly. Leonard floods with relief and nods. They sit in silence until Amy falls asleep, and Leonard quietly heads back to his room.

The next day, everyone is tense with the discussion of whether or not to kill Per Degaton, a ruthless dictator, as a child. Not to mention Mick is still sitting in the brig, waiting. Rip takes matters into his own hands, stealing off with Per Degaton in the jumpship. Amy and Leonard are playing cards in the cargo hold (with Leonard trying desperately to forget about the day before) when Sara finds them.

"No luck finding our homicidal captain?" Leonard drawls.

"Gideon's still searching, but I have a feeling he's not going to be found until he wants to be."

"So what are you doing down here?" Leonard asks.

"Don't you think you at least owe him a conversation?"

"We had our conversation while he was Chronos. He made his feelings about me very clear." Amy can see the pain in Leonard's eyes as he says this, but she stays silent.

"And what about your feelings?" Sara asks.

"About you?"

"About Mick." Sara smiles as she answers, and Amy lets out a snort.

"I don't have any feelings about Mick," Leonard studies his cards intently.

Sara sits with them for a moment. "Look, it didn't seem that way when we were dying in the engine room of hypothermia."

"Look, if you want to ease your guilty conscience, that's your business, but he's still the same son of a bitch he was when _you all_ wanted me to put him down," Leonard replies indignantly.

"I wasn't the one who mentioned marooning Rory – you did," Sara pauses. "It's obviously still weighing on your conscience. So stop being an ass, and go deal with it." She walks out of the room, and Leonard stares blankly at his cards.

"You okay?" Amy asks softly. He glares back. "Okay, look we don't have to talk about it. But we can if you want to."

He throws a card down, and his intent is clearly 'less talking, more playing.' About ten minutes later, though, he quietly asks, "What do you think?"

"I never thought you should have had to be responsible for 'taking care of Mick.' If you're not ready to talk to him now, I get it," she pauses. "But I think you need to talk to him eventually."

"Why? What could possibly be left to say?" Leonard snarls.

"I honestly don't know. But I do know that you're hurting." Leonard gives her a look or irritation. He's not looking to make a regular habit out of this "feelings" business. "And I know that ignoring him forever isn't really an option." She pauses. "I saw Mick the other day." He looks at her, clearly surprised. "I took off the bracelet. Whatever he has said and done…he's so angry, but that's not the only thing that's there. It was a little hard to sort through, but I know that besides the anger he's hurting, too."

Leonard wanders off then, muttering about needing time to think, and leaving Amy to ponder if she said the right thing.


	11. Chapter 11

Leonard can't believe he is doing this. He takes a deep breath and walks over to Mick's cell. At least it'll be over, one way or another.

"What do you want?" _This is going well so far._

"People seem to think we should have a heart-to-heart," Leonard drawls.

"We don't have hearts – where does that leave us?" Mick asks.

"I've got a dozen reasons for killing you. You've got a dozen and one for killing me, so-"

"All the talk in the world is not gonna change a thing," Mick interrupts.

"Exactly. Here's my proposal. I open this cell, we let our fists do the talking."

Mick stands and faces Leonard. "When I kill you?"

"You take the jumpship, make your escape, live out the rest of your life anywhere you like."

"Hmm," Mick thinks for a second. "And if you kill me, it's better than being locked up in this place like some kind of circus freak." They both know which of them has the upper hand in a fist fight – Leonard isn't expecting to walk back out of here.

"Is that a yes?"

"Sound the bell."

It isn't long before Leonard is on the ground. Everything hurts. Mick is standing over him with a fist raised, and Leonard thinks this is it. Funny how similar this is to when he first met Mick. However, then Mick drops his fist and sits down.

"We had a deal, Mick. Kill me and you walk. It's what you wanted, isn't it, to get off the team?" His voice breaks slightly, and he hopes Mick doesn't notice.

"I don't know what I want anymore. Truth is, it doesn't matter."

"What are you talking about?" Leonard doesn't have the energy for this. If Mick is going to kill him, he wishes he would just get it over with.

"Whether I stay or leave, I'm dead. We're all dead." _That doesn't sound ominous at all._

They head out to the bridge, and Mick repeats what he told Leonard to the rest of the team. "Since I failed to bring you in, the Time Masters want to bring me in. And this time, they're not going to take any chances. They're called the hunters, mercenaries. And unlike me there isn't any human part left in them."

"So they want to lock us all up in the Vanishing Point?" Ray asked.

"The hunters do one thing. Kill. Whenever, wherever, and they'll stop at nothing until every single one of us is erased from the face of history."

"Do you have any suggestions as to how we might outsmart them, Mr. Rory?" Rip asks.

"Run," Mick says as he stalks off.

Amy comes over to Leonard as soon as the group has disbanded. "What the hell, Leonard?" He knows he must look terrible.

"Medbay," she orders, but he shakes his head. "OK, then you're coming with me and I'm going to check you over." He starts to protest, but she cuts him off. "I'm sorry, did my tone of voice imply that this is optional? Room – now." _He would love the feistiness if it didn't always seem to be directed at him._ He grudgingly goes with her back to her room.

"Gideon, can you tell if there are any life-threatening injuries?"

"Not without evaluating him in the Medbay."

"All right, then. Sit, down, Len." She touches the unbruised side of his face, carefully turning his head and checking his pupils. He flinches, but not from pain. She begins cleaning the cuts on his face. When she's finished there, she starts cleaning abrasions on his knuckles, checking some of the small joints in his fingers for (he assumes) fractures.

"I need you to take your shirt off so I can check you." He shakes his head.

"I'm fine."

"Really? Mick only hit you in the face?" She looks at him skeptically. He's breathing more rapidly and shallow, and he has his arms crossed over his chest. "Look, I know this is difficult. You don't have to let me check if you don't want to. But it's me or Gideon. Please, Len." She waits.

Finally, he stiffly pulls his shirt over his head, holding his breath. He has some large bruises over the left side of his back. He tries to keep himself from shaking. There's a reason he never even wears short sleeves. He knows she saw him without a shirt in the desert, but that doesn't help. If anything, it makes it worse.

"I just need to feel a little to see if I can tell where you're injured. If you need me to stop, tell me and I'll stop." She reaches out and touches his abdomen, pushing lightly at first and then a little more firmly. He can't stop himself from tensing, but only really has pain on the left side near his bruises.

"Based on the bruising here I'd bet you have at least one broken rib. But what we need to make sure is that you're not bleeding internally. Gideon, can you make me a small ultrasound? For a FAST exam?"

"Yes, it will be ready shortly in the fabrication room." Amy looks at Leonard. "Do NOT leave this room unless it is to go to Medbay." He glares at her, but stays put. He holds his shirt in front of his chest.

When she returns, she does the ultrasound and informs him he is not bleeding internally. _Well, that's something at least_. She also comes back with bandages and ice. She wraps his ribs, and he has to force himself to continue breathing at a normal rate. He knows he's flinching when she touches him, but it's all he can do to just let her finish and keep breathing.

"All done," she finally says, handing him his shirt again. He tugs it quickly over his head, wraps his arms back around his stomach and hunches over, breath coming a little too fast. He crouched down.

"Len," she murmurs, sitting near him but not touching. "It's over, hon. Take a deep breath, okay?" He obeys. "Good. Again, slowly. With me."

She continues the litany until the panic subsides, waits until he stops shaking and starts breathing. Then she speaks. "Leonard, what were you thinking? He could have killed you." He doesn't say anything, because really what can he say? "Len, did you _mean _for him to kill you?" He won't meet her eyes. "I saw the scars on your wrists," she says quietly. "I know you can hold your own in a fight, and Mick doesn't have a mark on him."

He closes his eyes tightly and drags in a shaky breath. He feels her fingers trace lightly along one of his many scars, her thumb absently rubbing against his wrist where she's still holding his hand. He feels his adrenaline rising, and he struggles to breathe.

"Hey." Her touch on his arm is gone, replaced with a palm against his cheek. "Hey, Len, look at me." He bites his lip so hard he tastes blood, and slowly opens his eyes. "You don't have to tell me if you don't want to. But please, tell me if I need to be worried about you intentionally getting yourself killed."

"I didn't plan to walk back out of the brig," he mutters once he can force out the words.. Amy has a pained look on her face at that. "And now I don't know what to do."

"You keep going on," she whispers back. "And you let the people who care about you help you when you need it." He snorts at that, wondering who exactly she is referring to. "Don't do that. You're not alone here. I know you're not used to letting people in, but you do have people here who care about you and are ready to be there for you if you let them."

"How?"

"Well, letting me take care of your ribs is a start." He snorts at that. He gathers his courage before he speaks again. "Whenever Lewis would pretend to be a father, I'd try so hard to do everything he wanted," he whispers. Len wipes at his eyes with his free hand, realizes it's shaking and tries to suppress the tremors. "It never lasted. I hated myself so much, because no matter how hard I tried he would find some reason for more _lessons." _He says that part bitterly. "I tried so hard to do what he wanted, to make him proud. And I blamed myself every time he turned back into a bastard." He takes a shaky breath. "When I was about 15, I couldn't take it anymore. I could live with it if it were just me – I thought I deserved it anyway. But he kept hurting Lisa, and I couldn't" – he pauses, and waits until he thinks he can keep his voice steady. He gets the next part out as quickly as possible. "I thought that if I weren't around to make him so angry, maybe he would stop hurting her. So I tried to take myself out of the picture. Obviously there were some flaws in my execution." He says the last sentence in his best Cold drawl, but it does little to disguise the pain behind his words.

"You know now that it wasn't your fault, right?" she asks gently. He looks at her, expecting to see pity or, even worse, disgust and judgment. When all he sees is kindness and understanding, something inside him snaps and he tries to choke back a sob. He curls in on himself, hiding his face and trying to stop the flow of tears. He feels Amy's hand on his back, and he tenses. She holds her hand steady and then starts to rub slow circles on his back. He wills himself to relax. "Leonard, did you ever talk to anybody? I know you were going through a lot, but it sounds like you were really depressed."

Leonard scoffs, trying to ignore the wet sound behind it. "Lewis found me. Stopped me from bleeding out, and once the bleeding stopped he beat the hell out of me for making a mess on the floor." He chokes the last part out in a sob.

Amy keeps rubbing his back, and when he stops sobbing, trying to get his eyeballs to stop sweating _(that's what he is calling it, anyway)_, she asks him a question. "Does wanting to go back in time to kick his ass make me a bad person?"

At the thought of that, he barks out a laugh. She smiles at him gently, and for the first time today he starts to feel like maybe he'll get through this.


	12. Chapter 12

Leonard can't believe he is doing this. He takes a deep breath and walks over to Mick's cell. At least it'll be over, one way or another.

"What do you want?" _This is going well so far._

"People seem to think we should have a heart-to-heart," Leonard drawls.

"We don't have hearts – where does that leave us?" Mick asks.

"I've got a dozen reasons for killing you. You've got a dozen and one for killing me, so-"

"All the talk in the world is not gonna change a thing," Mick interrupts.

"Exactly. Here's my proposal. I open this cell, we let our fists do the talking."

Mick stands and faces Leonard. "When I kill you?"

"You take the jumpship, make your escape, live out the rest of your life anywhere you like."

"Hmm," Mick thinks for a second. "And if you kill me, it's better than being locked up in this place like some kind of circus freak." They both know which of them has the upper hand in a fist fight – Leonard isn't expecting to walk back out of here.

"Is that a yes?"

"Sound the bell."

It isn't long before Leonard is on the ground. Everything hurts. Mick is standing over him with a fist raised, and Leonard thinks this is it. Funny how similar this is to when he first met Mick. However, then Mick drops his fist and sits down.

"We had a deal, Mick. Kill me and you walk. It's what you wanted, isn't it, to get off the team?" His voice breaks slightly, and he hopes Mick doesn't notice.

"I don't know what I want anymore. Truth is, it doesn't matter."

"What are you talking about?" Leonard doesn't have the energy for this. If Mick is going to kill him, he wishes he would just get it over with.

"Whether I stay or leave, I'm dead. We're all dead." _That doesn't sound ominous at all._

They head out to the bridge, and Mick repeats what he told Leonard to the rest of the team. "Since I failed to bring you in, the Time Masters want to bring me in. And this time, they're not going to take any chances. They're called the hunters, mercenaries. And unlike me there isn't any human part left in them."

"So they want to lock us all up in the Vanishing Point?" Ray asked.

"The hunters do one thing. Kill. Whenever, wherever, and they'll stop at nothing until every single one of us is erased from the face of history."

"Do you have any suggestions as to how we might outsmart them, Mr. Rory?" Rip asks.

"Run," Mick says as he stalks off.

Amy comes over to Leonard as soon as the group has disbanded. "What the hell, Leonard?" He knows he must look terrible.

"Medbay," she orders, but he shakes his head. "OK, then you're coming with me and I'm going to check you over." He starts to protest, but she cuts him off. "I'm sorry, did my tone of voice imply that this is optional? Room – now." _He would love the feistiness if it didn't always seem to be directed at him._ He grudgingly goes with her back to her room.

"Gideon, can you tell if there are any life-threatening injuries?"

"Not without evaluating him in the Medbay."

"All right, then. Sit, down, Len." She touches the unbruised side of his face, carefully turning his head and checking his pupils. He flinches, but not from pain. She begins cleaning the cuts on his face. When she's finished there, she starts cleaning abrasions on his knuckles, checking some of the small joints in his fingers for (he assumes) fractures.

"I need you to take your shirt off so I can check you." He shakes his head.

"I'm fine."

"Really? Mick only hit you in the face?" She looks at him skeptically. He's breathing more rapidly and shallow, and he has his arms crossed over his chest. "Look, I know this is difficult. You don't have to let me check if you don't want to. But it's me or Gideon. Please, Len." She waits.

Finally, he stiffly pulls his shirt over his head, holding his breath. He has some large bruises over the left side of his back. He tries to keep himself from shaking. There's a reason he never even wears short sleeves. He knows she saw him without a shirt in the desert, but that doesn't help. If anything, it makes it worse.

"I just need to feel a little to see if I can tell where you're injured. If you need me to stop, tell me and I'll stop." She reaches out and touches his abdomen, pushing lightly at first and then a little more firmly. He can't stop himself from tensing, but only really has pain on the left side near his bruises.

"Based on the bruising here I'd bet you have at least one broken rib. But what we need to make sure is that you're not bleeding internally. Gideon, can you make me a small ultrasound? For a FAST exam?"

"Yes, it will be ready shortly in the fabrication room." Amy looks at Leonard. "Do NOT leave this room unless it is to go to Medbay." He glares at her, but stays put. He holds his shirt in front of his chest.

When she returns, she does the ultrasound and informs him he is not bleeding internally. _Well, that's something at least_. She also comes back with bandages and ice. She wraps his ribs, and he has to force himself to continue breathing at a normal rate. He knows he's flinching when she touches him, but it's all he can do to just let her finish and keep breathing.

"All done," she finally says, handing him his shirt again. He tugs it quickly over his head, wraps his arms back around his stomach and hunches over, breath coming a little too fast. He crouched down.

"Len," she murmurs, sitting near him but not touching. "It's over, hon. Take a deep breath, okay?" He obeys. "Good. Again, slowly. With me."

She continues the litany until the panic subsides, waits until he stops shaking and starts breathing. Then she speaks. "Leonard, what were you thinking? He could have killed you." He doesn't say anything, because really what can he say? "Len, did you _mean _for him to kill you?" He won't meet her eyes. "I saw the scars on your wrists," she says quietly. "I know you can hold your own in a fight, and Mick doesn't have a mark on him."

He closes his eyes tightly and drags in a shaky breath. He feels her fingers trace lightly along one of his many scars, her thumb absently rubbing against his wrist where she's still holding his hand. He feels his adrenaline rising, and he struggles to breathe.

"Hey." Her touch on his arm is gone, replaced with a palm against his cheek. "Hey, Len, look at me." He bites his lip so hard he tastes blood, and slowly opens his eyes. "You don't have to tell me if you don't want to. But please, tell me if I need to be worried about you intentionally getting yourself killed."

"I didn't plan to walk back out of the brig," he mutters once he can force out the words.. Amy has a pained look on her face at that. "And now I don't know what to do."

"You keep going on," she whispers back. "And you let the people who care about you help you when you need it." He snorts at that, wondering who exactly she is referring to. "Don't do that. You're not alone here. I know you're not used to letting people in, but you do have people here who care about you and are ready to be there for you if you let them."

"How?"

"Well, letting me take care of your ribs is a start." He snorts at that. He gathers his courage before he speaks again. "Whenever Lewis would pretend to be a father, I'd try so hard to do everything he wanted," he whispers. Len wipes at his eyes with his free hand, realizes it's shaking and tries to suppress the tremors. "It never lasted. I hated myself so much, because no matter how hard I tried he would find some reason for more _lessons." _He says that part bitterly. "I tried so hard to do what he wanted, to make him proud. And I blamed myself every time he turned back into a bastard." He takes a shaky breath. "When I was about 15, I couldn't take it anymore. I could live with it if it were just me – I thought I deserved it anyway. But he kept hurting Lisa, and I couldn't" – he pauses, and waits until he thinks he can keep his voice steady. He gets the next part out as quickly as possible. "I thought that if I weren't around to make him so angry, maybe he would stop hurting her. So I tried to take myself out of the picture. Obviously there were some flaws in my execution." He says the last sentence in his best Cold drawl, but it does little to disguise the pain behind his words.

"You know now that it wasn't your fault, right?" she asks gently. He looks at her, expecting to see pity or, even worse, disgust and judgment. When all he sees is kindness and understanding, something inside him snaps and he tries to choke back a sob. He curls in on himself, hiding his face and trying to stop the flow of tears. He feels Amy's hand on his back, and he tenses. She holds her hand steady and then starts to rub slow circles on his back. He wills himself to relax. "Leonard, did you ever talk to anybody? I know you were going through a lot, but it sounds like you were really depressed."

Leonard scoffs, trying to ignore the wet sound behind it. "Lewis found me. Stopped me from bleeding out, and once the bleeding stopped he beat the hell out of me for making a mess on the floor." He chokes the last part out in a sob.

Amy keeps rubbing his back, and when he stops sobbing, trying to get his eyeballs to stop sweating _(that's what he is calling it, anyway)_, she asks him a question. "Does wanting to go back in time to kick his ass make me a bad person?"

At the thought of that, he barks out a laugh. She smiles at him gently, and for the first time today he starts to feel like maybe he'll get through this.


	13. Chapter 13

Although the plan does succeed, the Time Boogeymen find them. Their relief at getting Jax back is short lived as they hear about the Omega protocol and a bounty hunter called the Pilgrim.

Now the Legends team are traveling through time to rescue their younger selves from the Pilgrim. Their first stop is to Central City in 1990 to rescue Mick right after the fire he set the fire that killed his parents.

With everything that happened with Mick/Chronos so recently, it feels like a punch in the gut to see the Mick that Leonard first met in juvie. Leonard keeps to himself, holed up in his room, while Gideon tries to figure out who to go after next.

He hears a knock on the door. Gideon tells him it is Amy, and he has Gideon open the door. Amy comes and sits beside him on the bed, and he tries not to react. He wills himself to relax, as he feels the usual tension that comes with close proximity to anyone.

"You okay?" She asks. He snorts. _Depends__ on __how you define__ the word__._ "Wanna talk about it?" He barks out a laugh, then flinches as pain shoots through his broken rib. She looks at him with concern and gently places a hand on his back. He tenses, trying to take deep breaths and relax.

"Sorry," Amy pulls back. He feels his walls snapping back up, cold and familiar. "Don't do that," Amy says softly. "If you want me to go, I will, but please don't hide behind your Cold mask with me." His throat is thick, words jumbled in his brain. He's never been good with feelings, and he hates feeling vulnerable.

"I know what PTSD looks like, Len," Amy says gently, cautiously. Leonard feels sick. He really, _really_ doesn't want to talk about this. "We don't have to talk about it. But I understand how it can make you startle even if you know in your head you're safe. And how sometimes it can be hard just to be touched at all." He feels more exposed than he has in a long time, and he really hates it. He's always tried to keep himself at enough of a distance that he wouldn't have to _talk_ about any of this.

"How did you know?" His voice sounds impossibly small.

"Combination of things," she answers. "Some of it is from when I was seeing patients still. And some of it is from personal experience." She takes a deep breath. "When I was a kid, my dad had a bad drinking problem. He quit, and he's great now. But we had a lot of years where, even though he never hit us, he was just so angry. Mom was sad all the time, and I know now that she was upset and worried about Dad. But I used to walk on eggshells, trying to be better – if I could be better, then maybe Dad would stop drinking and come home more. Maybe Mom would be happy again." She pauses. "I was a teenager before I figured out it had nothing to do with me. By then I had the hypervigilance part down, at least. But then I was so angry at everyone, and so tired of trying to be perfect all the time." She looks down, avoiding eye contact. "I went a little wild, and got myself into a dangerous situation. The people I was with weren't really my friends, I figured out, and one of the guys took advantage." She swallows hard. "I had always, despite some of the stresses at home, had pretty positive experiences with physical contact, and affection, before that. But when that happened it took a long time before I could let anybody touch me without flinching. Some days it's still hard."

Neither of them speaks again for awhile. "I know my experience is different than yours, but if you ever do want to talk the door's open," Amy says softly. Leonard wants to ask her how she got over it – how she can be close to people so easily. Leonard has always been very observant, and he has seen her close to and touching teammates countless time. He wants to ask how she can tolerate and maybe even enjoy touch after being, well, like him. But he doesn't know how to get the words out. He wants to let her know that he appreciates what she shared and why. He forces himself to look at her. He nods once, and hopes that she understands.

Somehow, they complete their mission and even manage to kill the Pilgrim. Unfortunately, after the first couple of abductions and a close call for Ray, they were unable to track the Pilgrim and were forced to abduct the rest of the team as newborns. Now some of the team, including Leonard, are left with the possibility of being forgotten by everyone. For the most part, Leonard would be okay with that. It beats dying, anyway. However, the thought of Lisa growing up with their father alone makes him feel sick. No one knows how long they have to return their younger selves to the timeline before they are forgotten.


	14. Chapter 14

Gideon has found a lead on an artifact that belonged to Kendra in her first life. Now, they are heading out to try to procure it. They're going to a museum benefit, and unfortunately they're not sure if the artifact is going to be part of a display, a centerpiece, or possibly just in a closet or something. Leonard is dressed in a tux with an ice blue bowtie and vest. Amy comes out shortly after, and Leonard's breath catches for a moment. Amy is wearing ice blue to match him, but hers is a shimmery, clingy dress that hugs her curves before flowing more loosely below her hips and floating to mid-calf. Her usual auburn waves are styled into curls that cascade down her back. The dress is modest cut in the front, but dips loosely down to her lower back. She has a simple snowflake necklace around her neck. She is wearing pale sparkling eyeshadow and pink sparkling lipstick. She has strappy heels that accentuate her long legs. She smiles at him and he notices his heart beating a little faster.

"You look beautiful," he whispers in her ear.

"You're not so bad yourself," she leans up and whispers back. He can feel her breath on his neck, and he flushes a little.

Once they're at the party, Leonard immediately starts to scan the room. He looks for security cameras, and notes how many exit points he can see. He spots the bar near the center of the room.

"Shall I get us a drink?" Leonard asks. Amy nods and watches him saunter toward the bar. She can tell from a distance that the bartender is probably going to tell him anything he wants to know. Even from this far away, she can tell Leonard has charmed her. Amy surveys the room while she walks, looking for the small statue that apparently had been a gift to Kendra in her first life. It's not long before Leonard approaches holding two drinks.

She takes a sip of the cranberry vodka he hands her while he takes a drink of his own. "Any luck?"

"Not much – she did say that the guy throwing the event went to Egypt last year on sabbatical, but she didn't mention a statue. Want to take a lap around the room, and see if it's part of any of the displays?"

They start slowly perusing the displays, and although they see some Egyptian artifacts, none are what they were told they are looking for.

"Should we see what we can find from the dance floor?"

"I'm going to need one more drink for that," Leonard admits. "Meet you on the dance floor in a minute?" Amy smiles softly and nods.

Amy is surprised a few minutes later when Leonard comes up behind her and puts his hands on her hips. He guides her onto the dance floor. The next song is slower, and she turns around and puts her hands on his shoulders. He circles her waist, pulling her close to him. She hasn't really thought about him in this way – she thinks they have become friends, although she would be lying if she said she didn't find him attractive. However, she feels her heart racing a bit as she leans her head on his shoulder, scanning the room for the statue. They dance through a few songs without putting much space between them, before Leonard asks her if she needs another drink. She asks for just a water this time, and he heads to the bar while she sits on the other side of the dance floor, scanning that area for the statue.

She looks over at the bar, and she starts to realize that something is wrong. Leonard is making his way back toward her, and someone bumps into him from behind. He works hard to control his reactions, and his startle reflex, in front of others. However, Amy has spent enough time with him to know that it _does _startle him every time someone touches him unexpectedly. She has learned what his controlled reactions look like, and he isn't reacting _at all_.

When he returns, she asks if he's okay. He says he feels fine, smiling at her, and puts his hand on her hip to lead her to a different part of the dance floor to scope out. He continues to hold her close once they get there.

She sees the bartender hand him a shot at the bar, and she starts to realize they have a problem. She and Leonard both grew up with alcoholic parents, and both are very careful about what, and how much, they drink. Leonard is every bit as meticulous about maintaining full control in this as he is in everything else. She's never seen him even tipsy, and he's about to walk back with his fourth drink in the span of under an hour. The bartender also puts her hand on Leonard's arm, and although he doesn't seem to be flirting back, he also is not reacting to being touched by a stranger.

When Leonard comes back, he slings an arm over her shoulder and hugs her close. He's smiling at her, and he's not acting drunk, but he also isn't acting like himself. He leads her to a new spot on the dance floor. He wraps his arms low around her waist, and they dance with her arms on his shoulders. There's only about an inch between them, if that, and she tries to remind herself that something isn't right. Amy takes a deep breath and feels a fluttering in her stomach when all she can smell is his cologne.

He leans down. "Where do you want to check next?" he murmurs against her neck. She stands up as tall as she can and whispers back.

"Let's pretend we're looking for a private spot. It'll give us an excuse to wander around."

His fingers stroke her back lightly, brushing against her bare skin. She shivers, and he winks at her. He intertwines the fingers of his left hand with her right, and gestures for her to lead the way. He holds her hand tightly as they walk, and every so often playfully nudges her shoulder with his. He smiles broadly at her when she looks at him.

It takes a few rooms before they finally find what they're looking for, and Leonard keeps ahold of Amy's hand through each room they look in. When they finally find it, raises her skirt above the garter that she'd worn to sneak the statue back out.

Leonard takes it from her, asks "allow me?", and then carefully runs his hand up her leg and positions the statue in her garter belt. When he straightens back up, he looks into her eyes and leans down to kiss her. He kisses her gently, just brushing her lips, and afterward she reaches up and strokes his cheek. He turns his face into her hand and closes his eyes.

When he opens his eyes, she smiles at him. "We'd better get back to the ship before we get caught." He sighs, takes her hand again, and they start the walk back.

Very early the next morning, Amy is asleep in a chair in Leonard's room. She is startled awake when he bolts to the bathroom. She shakes herself awake and follows him. He's curled with one arm clutching his ribs, his other hand white-knuckled on the rim of the toilet. Amy gets a damp washcloth and sits next to him, handing it to him when he stops heaving. He seems to breathe easier for a moment, but then is back to throwing up.

"Easy, I've got you," Amy murmurs. She begins rubbing his back, trying to calm him. She is far too aware of how badly he's shaking, of the way he both calms and tenses under her hand. He gradually stops tensing up every other moment. He rests his forehead on his hand on the rim of the toilet, breathing still ragged. "I'm sorry," he whispers after a few minutes have passed. He sniffles and wipes his cheeks against the back of his hand.

"It's okay," she says, keeping her voice low and even. She rubs gently between his shoulder blades. "You're okay." She sits there with him until his breathing normalizes and he stops shaking.

"C'mon, let's get you back to bed, okay?" He slowly and unsteadily follows her, and stumbles into bed. She sits next to him for a moment. "Do you want me to go?" He shakes his head. "OK." She gently strokes the top of head, running her nails through his short hair in small circles on his scalp. It's not long before his eyelids flutter and he is back asleep.


	15. Chapter 15

Leonard wakes up slowly, then feels a spike of anxiety as he realizes someone is sitting next to him. He opens his eyes and sees Amy lying next to him. He shifts, and her eyes flutter open as well. Last night feels foggy, and he can't figure out what happened. It's unsettling to say the least.

"Do you remember anything from last night?" Amy asks him quietly.

He blanches at her question. He closes his eyes again, trying to focus on what was a dream and what wasn't. "I remember bits and pieces," he says, voice apprehensive.

Amy laughs a little, but there is kindness in her eyes. "Relax – you didn't do anything terrible."

"Thank you," he answers uncertainly. "Um…the statue?" She nods – the mission was a success in that way at least.

"Someone slipped something in your drink," she says softly. "How do you feel?"

"Fine, just a little headache," he says but he flushes and looks away. "Humiliated, if I'm honest."

"Leonard." Amy puts enough force in her tone that he looks back at her. "I doubt any of those people we don't know had any idea about what was going on. I knew because I know you, and you weren't acting like yourself. You didn't act drunk."

He remembers their bodies moving together on the dance floor, remembers vaguely kissing her (he thinks) and his breath leaves his lungs in a _whoosh_. Even worse, he remembers getting sick in the middle of the night and Amy running her fingers through his hair until he fell asleep. "I'm sorry."

"You have nothing to be sorry for. You were drugged – and you really didn't do anything bad." She doesn't understand, and Leonard doesn't know how to make her understand.

Leonard sits up in bed, and Amy sits next to him. It's an agonizing minute before he says, very quietly, "I don't do relationships." Amy starts to respond, but he keeps going – if he stops now he'll never get this out. "When I spend too much time with someone, they inevitably want... _more_…than what I'm able-" He breaks off, voice catching painfully in his throat. "And I've tried, but I always end up..." His hands are clenched tightly. "I'm sorry, I let things go too far. I shouldn't have led you on. I didn't mean –" he breaks off, trying to collect himself.

"Leonard, look at me." Amy rests a hand on his cheek."Hey. You've done nothing wrong, and you don't owe me anything. I like you. I like spending time with you." _Why?_

Leonard is quiet, trying to put his thoughts into words. "Touch was never a really positive thing for me. But it feels different with you. And I don't know what to do with that." He takes a shaky breath. "But whenever I've tried before, eventually I can't handle anymore. I can't be _enough. _What I can do is different than what is _expected._ And I can't – I don't –" He trails off, feeling more lost than he has in a long time.

Amy looks thoughtful. Leonard braces himself for what he suspects is coming next. "You said it feels different with me. Do you _want_ to do those things, or anything physical? With me?"

He wasn't expecting that. No one has actually asked him that before. He's used to people just taking what they want from you. When they don't take, they ridicule or rage at you if you can't give them what they want. At minimum, they decide you aren't worth their time and they walk away. "I _want_ to try," he says quietly. "But any time I've tried before, at some point I panic. And then they leave." He takes a deep breath, and tries to get out what he's thinking. _I'm scared, and I don't want you to leave._ But the words won't come.

"Okay," she says. "Can you tell me what you like? And what you don't?"

"That's the problem. I really don't know. No one has ever asked," Leonard answers helplessly.

"All right, lets figure it out together." She cautiously rests her hand on his back, rubbing gentle circles. "Does this feel okay?" After a moment, he nods.

"Then if you want this, we'll figure out what feels good to you, and what you're comfortable with. If it's not more than this, that's okay."

They sit quietly for awhile, with Leonard trying to even out his breathing. It's a long time before he speaks again. He's never told anyone what he's about to tell her, and he's not sure if he can get it out. "When I was about 13 Lisa got really sick,". He starts quietly. "By then I was a decent thief, but there wasn't time to plan a heist and raise enough money. At least, I wasn't able to back then on such short notice without getting caught." He closes his eyes. "Our father was going to just take his chances without the treatment the doctors recommended. When I argued with him, he told me that he'd be able to afford to help her if he didn't have to support his lazy, worthless son." His cheeks flush red with shame. "I tried everything I could think of. Then I went and found enough 'dates' to earn the money for her medicine." He shrugs his shoulders. "After that I just wasn't really excited about sex, or really any touching. Most of my experiences have been for a job, where it was a means to an end. The crowd I ran with-no one was really interested in taking things slowly."

Amy is quiet, and he's terrified he just screwed everything up. She keeps rubbing his back gently, and he tries to stay calm. Unfortunately, the weight of what he just said hits him. He's shaking, and the next thing he knows he can't stop the tears that are streaming down his face. He holds his left hand over his eyes, trying to stop or at least hide them.

"I couldn't let anybody touch me for a long time without feeling sick. Not even my sister," he mumbles suddenly, and then the dam breaks. Whatever emotional control he had is just gone, and he is _weeping_. He wraps his arms around his knees, and tries to breathe through the sobs that are wracking his whole body. _God, this is embarrassing. I'm such a f—king mess._

"Len, have you ever talked with anybody about this?" He shakes his head. "Not even Lisa?"

"She was just a kid-she didn't need that. It was worth it for her to get better." His voice sounds thick.

"Leonard-_you_ were a kid," Amy says gently.

"I was old enough, and I made a choice." Leonard fights back a sob. "I should be able to just get over it. But that's all I think about when we someone gets too close." He shudders at the end, and a couple of tears escape down his cheeks.

"It sounds like you didn't have a choice." She pauses for a minute before cautiously saying, "if you were only 13, whether you 'consented' or not…that's rape Len. That's not something that you 'just get over.' And it's not something you need to feel ashamed of."

That pulls him up short. He's been blaming himself for such a long time. Whenever he's had any interest in someone, it always ended with him alone and hurt. It often ended with him feeling guilty for "leading someone on," and reinforcing his low self-worth as anything other than a crook. He tries to block out the emotions and focus on just her touch. But old insecurities are right in his face again, and he is overwhelmed thinking of how he's never been _enough_, for anyone. Whatever semblance of control he had a moment ago is gone, and he's full-on crying again. Amy keeps rubbing his back, and he tries not to completely fall apart.

"I don't... know what I want. Or how to..." He breaks off, his shoulders shaking with sobs that he is trying desperately to hold back.

"It's okay," she soothes. "We'll figure it out. And if it's too much, all you have to do is say the word." Amy slowly puts her arms around him, drawing him into a hug. He rests his forehead on her shoulder with a shuddering sigh, and Amy gently tugs him closer, still rubbing one hand gently up and down his back. "Is this okay?" He nods.

"It feels good," he says, his voice muffled a bit.

"Okay, then for now we'll stay right here. We'll figure things out together," she whispers again. "It's okay." She keeps running her hand up and down his back and eventually Leonard is able to pull himself back under control.

"God, I used to be able to keep my _cool_ better than this," Leonard says, in almost a drawl. Amy laughs out loud. She tightens her arms around him very briefly, before releasing him from her embrace. "Thanks," he says roughly but with sincerity.

"Anytime," Amy says without hesitation. "Are you up for breakfast?"

"I thought you'd never ask." Leonard excuses himself to splash some cold water on his face. Even after he does so, he looks in the mirror and sees it is still pretty obvious that he's been crying. He heads back out. "Actually, I may hang out in here for awhile."

"Okay," Amy says. "You want me to bring you something?"

Leonard thinks for a moment, considering if he needs some time alone. "That would be great. Can you bring me a _frosty_ beverage?" He waggles his eyebrows, and Amy laughs.

After she heads to the kitchen, he starts to take apart and clean they parts of his cold gun. His nerves are raw, and the repetition and the familiarity is soothing. Amy gets back just after he's finished putting the gun away.

"I wasn't sure what you would want, so I got a little of everything that I could carry." Leonard looks at her plate, amused. It is piled high with muffins, hard boiled eggs, toast, and apple slices. She has two travel mugs of coffee in her other hand. He gestured for her to sit, and she climbs onto the end of his bed, sitting cross legged. He sits, and she sets the plate between them. He gives her a nod of thanks when she hands him the coffee. He chuckles when he realizes she brought him an iced coffee.


	16. Chapter 16

The Legends are back on mission, this time in 2166. Amy is worried sick while Rip, along with "Killer, Klepto, and Pyro" take on Savage's guards. It's all she can do not to hug Leonard the second they walk back on the ship. Now Leonard and Mick are heading back for Kendra's bracelet. _This is a terrible plan._

When they return with Cassandra Savage, they sit discussing what to do next. _(Did Mick really just suggest sending her back to Papa Savage "one finger at a time?")_ Leonard sits listening quietly.

"If she is Savage's daughter, she would know the details of his defenses," Sara notes.

"Yes, well how exactly are we going to get those details out of her?" Rip sounds exasperated, desperate.

Leonard sighs to himself. "I'm on it." He stalks off before anyone can ask questions. Amy has some idea of what he's planning to do, and hopes he'll be okay when he comes back.

He finds the rest of the team not too long after, and tells them that Cassandra is going to help them. They go to Vandal Savage's bunker together, waiting for her signal. They come out when they hear Vandal Savage tell her to call them.

"I appreciate your command of irony, Gareeb, using my own child against me."

"Sorry to say it didn't take much." Leonard drawls.

"None at all, you ass," Mick chimes in.

It's not long before Kendra swoops in and grabs Savage, while the rest of the team fight his guards. Amy thinks again how glad she is Sara decided to teach her and Kendra how to fight. It looks like they might actually be victorious…until Savage brings out a brainwashed Carter.

At least they made a difference in the resistance – Cassandra Savage has switched sides. But back on the ship, spirits are a little low, and tensions are high with Vandal Savage imprisoned rather than dead.

It's fairly late when Amy knocks on Leonard's door. It opens, and it's clear Leonard hasn't been sleeping either. He gestures for her to come inside. She sits on the bed next to him.

"Can't sleep. You?"

He gave a half-smile. "Guess I'm not used to sleeping with a monster down the hall anymore." She gives him a small smile in return.

"I think having him on the ship is probably the worst idea this team has ever had. And with this team, that's saying something." She pauses for a moment. "You did a really good thing with Cassandra. Are you okay?"

They are both a little surprised when he gives her a real answer. "I will be. I don't even like to think about Lewis, much less talk about him." He sighs. "That's the other reason I don't want to sleep. I know he's dead. I killed him. But then I dream about him coming up the stairs and it's like I'm a kid again." Amy pats his hand, which is resting on his knee. She gives his hand a squeeze, looking at him inquiringly. He takes a deep breath, and flips his hand over, threading his fingers through hers.

"If you want me to go, just say the word," Amy says, cautiously. "But if it's okay, can I stay here with you tonight?" He looks at her uncertainly, but doesn't answer yet. It's not that he doesn't want her to stay – he just doesn't know why she would want to. She answers his question without his having to ask it. "I feel safe with you. And I don't really feel safe anywhere else at the moment."

"You know I'm a bad guy, right?" he jokes a little, uncomfortable. "And we're on a ship full of heroes."

"You're not a bad guy," she says without hesitation. "And I trust you. More than anyone else here." He can see she's telling the truth when he looks in her eyes, and he wonders what exactly he has done to earn her trust, especially with all the bad things he has done in his life. He wishes he had the guts to ask her why. Instead, he just replies to her original question.

"Stay as long as you want." And he's a little surprised to realize he really means that. He has always valued his own space, and his privacy. But he feels comfortable with her…which in itself is a little terrifying. The smile she gives him in return, though, is worth it.

They start out watching a movie, and he can tell she's fighting hard to stay awake.

"You may want to lay down before you fall out of the bed. Think about the field day the rumor mill would have about you being injured falling out of my bed." He winks, and she grins before breaking into a yawn. She starts to move down to the floor.

"Amy, you're not sleeping on the floor." He lays down on the bed, and slides over close to the wall so she has room to lay next to him.

"Are you sure?" He _hates _how much he appreciates her asking. He nods in response.

Leonard apparently nods off as well, because he wakes up curled on his side toward Amy, with one arm under her and the other wrapped around her waist. She is still asleep, but one of her legs is draped over his, and her head is resting against his chest. She has one hand under her head and the other resting gently on Leonard's side. He shifts a little, trying not to wake her, but trying to angle his hips away from her. He is somehow okay with the fact that they are cuddling. It isn't long before Amy opens her eyes, looking up at him. Her eyes widen as she seems to realize the position they are in.

"Are you okay with this?" she asks him, ready to pull back. He nods, and she settles back against him.

"Can I ask you something?" Leonard tenses slightly when she says this. "Does this feel good to you, or is it something you can tolerate? I want to go at your pace, but I may need some help figuring out what that pace is."

Leonard doesn't know how to answer at first. No one has ever asked him anything like that before. "I don't know what my pace is. I'm not used to any of this."

"Okay," she says calmly. Leonard is expecting her to leave, to decide this is too hard, that he's not worth it. He tries to steel himself. "So how about this, right now? Good, tolerable, or terrible?"

Leonard looks at her, surprised. "Good," he answers softly. Amy smiles, and he is suddenly very aware of how beautiful she is. She reaches a hand around and runs her fingernails lightly over the back of his neck and base of his scalp.

"Still okay?" He nods in response. He's okay with her hand on his neck, but she's looking at him like she truly sees him, the good and the bad. No one has ever looked at him like that – like he's someone worthy of trust, and of love. The affection in her eyes makes him feel like his heart is up in his throat, and he feels both terrified and also safe in a way that he has never felt before. Before he can talk himself out of it, he leans forward and gives her a quick kiss on the lips. It's brief, but she kisses him back.


	17. Chapter 17

When Gideon summons them to the bridge. Leonard feels both annoyed and relieved. They can't agree what to do with Savage. Somehow, Amy, Leonard, Sara, and Mick are the only ones who think they need to kill Vandal Savage. Rip ultimately decides to take him to the Time Masters to deal with, since he has been manipulating the timeline. Leonard has got a bad feeling about this, and Mick is with him as soon as he says "Alexa."

He and Mick are set on heading back to 2016 once they see what Rip let happen to Jax. Jax is getting older by the second because of danger that knowingly put him in. Leonard is furious. Before they can jump ship in the jumpship, however, Stein sends Jax back to 2016 to save him from death due temporal radiation.

It's not bong before Savage is loose, because of _course _he is. Ray buys into Savage's BS and now they have an immortal psychopath roaming free on the Waverider.

With some difficulty, they manage to recapture Savage and deliver him to the Time Masters. But Leonard still has a bad feeling. As Rip delivers him to the Time Masters, the ship is invaded and most of the team is arrested. Sara and Leonard manage to hide, but everyone else gets a cell in the Vanishing Point while Savage is released.

"How did you even know that was down there?" Sara asks as they emerge from their hiding spot.

"When Rip first recruited us I made it my mission to case every square inch of this tub in the even there was something worth stealing – there wasn't- let's get outta here."

"Wait-what about the team?"

"There's nothing more we can do for them."_ Don't think about Amy. Don't think about Mick._

"You're just going to leave Mick?" Sara asks in disbelief.

"If the Time Masters are half as twisted as Mick says they are, there's an excellent chance Mick is no longer Mick. Now why aren't we flying yet?"

"Because I'm not going anywhere without the team. And even if we wanted to we're in a hangar surrounded by an entire armada of time ships."

"It's the Waverider, we've got guns. We can blast our way out." Leonard is in full Captain Cold mode at the moment. It's the only way he can keep from breaking down.

"This isn't Bonnie and Clyde. And I'm not going anywhere without the rest of the team."

Leonard draws his Cold gun. "Maybe I didn't make myself clear."

"Don't do that. Don't act like you're that same cold-hearted bastard I first met. I remember Russia. And _you _were the one who told me not to kill Stein."

"Yeah, because you seem to have a problem with being a killer. I, however, don't."

"Prove it. Shoot me."

He holds his gun up, hoping Sara doesn't notice the slight tremor. He tells himself that he can do this, that he can shoot his friend, and leave the others behind. But he's lying if he says he isn't relieved when the phone rings and he doesn't have to make that choice. When Gideon tells him the team is alive, he feels a spark of hope. He knows the odds are against them, and he tries to squash it.

He and Sara plant the devices according to Gideon's plan, but he is still not feeling optimistic. He is anxiously tapping his pinkie ring on the metal of the Waverider, much to Sara's chagrin. He is grateful when she asks him about the pinkie ring. It distracts him from the sick feeling in the pit of his stomach. Once the rescue is underway, he is relieved when he sees the team alive…until Mick comes out as Chronos. Luckily, the brainwashing doesn't seem to have taken and they are able to escape.

When Rip tells them about the Oculus, those who have been rescued thus far (minus the Hawkpeople and Jax) are all in agreement that they need to destroy it. After Leonard apologizes to Sara, he runs into Amy in the cargo bay. He is happy to see her alive, but when she smiles at him he feels like the guilt could eat him alive. She picks up right away on the fact that something is wrong, and looks at him questioningly. Leonard sits next to her, avoiding eye contact.

"I thought you were all dead," he says quietly. She reaches a hand out, but he draws back. Not because he doesn't want the comfort she's offering, but because he feels he doesn't deserve it. "I tried to leave. To run."

"But you didn't."

He scoffs. "I wanted to."

"You were afraid," she says gently. "I don't blame you."

"I do."

"And you didn't actually leave us, Len." She can see he looks troubled, so she takes a chance and puts an arm around him. "You saved us." Leonard still wouldn't look at her, but he didn't move away, either. "If it weren't for you and Sara, we probably would be dead now. I'm not about to judge you for having second thoughts about the risk you had to take to do what you did."

Leonard is still quiet, but he is wearing at least a little bit less guilt. Amy stands up. "I'm going to hug you now, OK?" He looks surprised but nods. He feels tense at first, but eventually relaxes into her hold.

She pulls back, and as she does she runs her hand down the back of his arm. She squeezes his hand, and is pleasantly surprised when he doesn't let go. "Now, let's go join the rest of the team and figure out what next. OK?"


	18. Chapter 18

Leonard is dead, and Amy is heartbroken. He destroyed the Oculus and they blew up the Time Masters. He died a hero. But that doesn't make it hurt any less. Any throws herself as much as she can into the team's new mission-protecting the timeline. She tries not to think about the teammate they lost. Killing Savage did little to assuage her sorrow.

Until she sees Leonard again as part of the Legion of Doom, which leads to an entirely different kind of heartbreak.

Gideon confirms that Legion Leonard is, in fact, their Leonard and very much alive. He treats them as his enemies, and Amy would be lying if she said it didn't hurt. They managed to capture him after he was knocked unconscious. They also managed to dispatch the rest of the Legion and reverse most of the damage they'd done. And now, strangely enough, he is sitting in the brig where Mick sat so many months ago.

The first day she goes to see him, she turns around and walks back out. The second day, she makes it inside, but the cold look in his eyes breaks her heart all over again and she can't stay. She and Mick are sitting on the bridge.

"They had to have brainwashed him. That's the only way he'd…." she breaks off. "He almost killed Sara. He _did _kill you. And Amaya.."

"Why don't we just get inside his head?" Mick asks, not looking up.

"What do you mean?" Amy asks, confused.

"The Time Masters did it to me all the time. Coggy-something…" Mick trails off for a moment. He snaps his fingers suddenly. "Cognitive intrusion."

"Cognitive Intrusion? Gideon?"

"Yes, Dr. Warner. Cognitive intrusion is the process in which one consciousness enters another. The technology was developed in 2137 by the Time Masters and used as an extreme method of coercion. CI devices came standard with all Time Master vessels."

"So we could get in Leonard's head and reverse the brainwashing?"

For the first time in months, Amy feels a spark of hope.

"Cognitive Intrusion creates a brain link between two or more subjects," Gideon continues. "Captain Hunter considered it barbaric and supremely dangerous."

"So, who's going in?" Mick asks.

"I will," Amy answers quietly. "Will you come too? I could use some backup." Mick nods once. Gideon warns them not to stay in the mindscape for longer than an hour lest the transfer become permanent.


	19. Chapter 19

Once they are all hooked up, with Leonard sedated in the medbay, it's time. Gideon wishes them luck, and suddenly they're somewhere new.

"Where are we?" Any looks around.

"Looks like an old safehouse we had back in 2012," Mick answers.

"I guess that means it worked. But where's Leonard?"

Suddenly, Mick grabs her and pulls her to the side, putting a finger over his lips.

"…we'll go up in the service elevator to the 27th floor. They got a two-man team of armed guards working the 27th through 29th floor, but if we time it perfectly with their shift change, we should be able to get in and out." Any doesn't recognize the voice, and when she sneaks a peek she doesn't know the man's face. However, she would recognize the next voice anywhere.

"And if the timing doesn't work out?" Leonard drawls.

"Then those guards don't make it home. But if we start on the top floor, there's a service elevator that will- Son, you and I both know that there's casualties in this line of work. Rutenberg, you're the tech guy. Did you find a solution for the vault hallway?" Amy looks at Mick, mouthing _'Lewis?' _He nods.

"…Fine. How about you? You gonna disappoint me too, or is that freeze gun of yours gonna look after the power source for the laser grid?"

Amy can hear Leonard's irritation. "It's a cold gun, and yes, but I have a better way to get past the lasers."

The next voice is another she doesn't recognize. That gun is the only reason you're here, so shut up before I make you- Ow! Ow, my- my head. Oh! My head! Aah! Feels like it's gonna-". An explosion cuts off the voice abruptly.

"Nobody talks to my son that way." Amy peeks out and sees Leonard's horrified expression. She doesn't know why he looks quite so stricken, until she hears Lewis say "just remember, follow my lead. Unless you want to see how my new toy works on Lisa." She looks at Mick with her mouth agape, and he just nods. He remembers very well why Leonard killed his father.

The scene around them shifts, and they are on a ship similar to the Waverider.

"Keep your eyes open," Mick growls. "This was my ship."

Amy thinks for a moment. When she speaks, her voice is grim. "If this place is filled with all the bad stuff Leonard has been through, we may need weapons. I don't know if they'll work in here, but we can try.." They make their way to the weapons hold, and manage to avoid Chronos once they catch sight of him. However, they run into Bizarro Amy about five minutes later.

"You don't belong here," Bizarro Amy says coldly. She raises a gun at them, and they take cover.

As they return fire, Amy catches Mick's attention. "I'm a total bitch in Leonard's head. No wonder he wants to kill me." She fires again. "Do you think we all have evil twins?"

They finally manage to knock out Bizarro Amy, and they head cautiously to find Leonard.

Suddenly they're in an office type building.

"…Guess your timing didn't work out after all." _Leonard. _Amy and Mick silently decide to follow within earshot.

"Yeah, that's why I got a Plan B." _And that sounds like Lewis._

"'Cause you always needed one."

"Yeah, but... your sister turned out to be a disappointment also." Amy wishes for a brief moment she could go back and kill Lewis again.

"All right, what do you guys say we get on with the job? Guards are gone. Must have taken a break." _Barry Allen? _

"Yeah, must have. Okay, Sam. Show us what you got." _Maybe not Barry Allen._

"Yeah, all right. Gonna just- You guys just keep a lookout and I'll… Boom! Told you Draycon was my jam."

"Nice job, Sam."

"Yeah. It's good to go out on a high note." Lewis speaks, then they hear a gunshot.

"I'm sorry, Barry." _That was Leonard, and I guess Sam was Barry? But he's not dead…_

"Okay, son. Make me proud."

"Like I care." She hears Leonard's cold gun fire.

"Ha, now what?" The sound of ice shattering follows Lewis' question.

"I told you, I had a better way past the lasers."

"Step aside. Time for another lesson." Amy peeks out, and sees Leonard flinch almost imperceptibly at the word 'lesson.'

"You've got 125 seconds before the system defrosts."

"Then what?" Lewis asks impatiently.

"Sirens."

They're both silent, Lewis working on the safe. Then the alarm starts ringing.

"Time's up. Let's get out of here," Lewis commands.

"Only place you're going is back to Iron Heights, Lewis." _I knew Barry wasn't dead!_

"Ah, you wanna bet?"

"Do I wanna bet? Tell me this, what kind of man puts a bomb in his own daughter?"

"A very rich man. Shoot him, son." Amy sees Leonard hesitate. "Kill him or you'll never see your sister alive."

Leonard raises the cold gun, but regret is on his face.

"Lisa's safe," Barry tells Leonard. Leonard fires the cold gun again…right at Lewis' chest.

Lewis stutters out, "You're working with The Flash? I thought you hated him?"

"Not as much as I... hate you." Amy recognizes the halting pattern of speech Leonard sometimes gets when he's trying to hold himself together.

Barry looks horrified. "Lisa was safe. Why did you do that?"

"He broke my sister's heart. Only fair I break his."

Then the scene shifts again, and they are in a house.

"Where are we?" Amy whispers.

Mick looks grim. "Where he grew up."

They hear a crash, and a scream.

"Lisa, run!" A little girl of about five runs upstairs and into a bedroom.

"You'll pay for that you worthless, ungrateful piece of sh…"They hear what sounds like a brawl behind the door to what Mick says is the kitchen. "If you don't want me to teach this lesson to Lisa, I guess I'll give it to you." They hear young Leonard cry out briefly, but the only other sound they hear is hitting and Lewis' tirade If verbal abuse. Amy's cheeks are wet, and Mick looks at her. "You can't help him," he whispers gruffly. "All this already happened."

It shifts again, and they are on a street corner at night. They see a young teenage Leonard standing with his hands in his pockets. A car pulls up beside him, and he gets in after talking to the driver for a minute. Amy realizes what this is, and hurts so much for him that she feels sick. Mick looks confused. They see teenage Leonard get out of the car about five minutes later. He throws up and then looks from a distance like he's having a panic attack. Mick's eyes flash with rage as he apparently realizes what they just saw.

Amy starts walking away, and a she does he scene changes again. She recognizes the house they are in this time, and they find Leonard in a small room. It looks like a bedroom, and they hear a man screaming outside the door. Leonard starts when he sees them, pressing his back against the wall. He looks about 15, with scabbed cuts on his wrists.

"Leonard, we're here to get you out," Amy says urgently. He looks at her with apprehension. "I know what you're thinking. But this is in your mind. You control everything."

"Why should I believe you?"

"Your mind is lying to you, Len. The Legion twisted your memories." Tears threaten to fall from Amy's eyes. "We mourned you. We did everything we could to save you. I'm so sorry we couldn't." Her voice breaks, and she takes a deep breath. "Let me help you now. Please." She reaches out a hand as Mick scans the area for new threats. After a moment's hesitation, Leonard takes it. Amy holds his hand tightly and presses the button on her suit to pull them out.

And suddenly, they are back on the Waverider. Amy looks down and sees her hand still clasping tightly to Leonard's, though now he looks like the Leonard she knows. His eyes are closed, and at first she isn't sure it worked.

Then Leonard opens his eyes, startling as he does. Amy watches him cautiously. Then she looks in his eyes, and she can feel that her Leonard is back.

"Good to have you back, boss,". Mick'a voice is gruff as he turns and walks out. Amy just stares at him, smiling and with tears streaming down her face.


	20. Chapter 20

Unfortunately, the rest of the team is taking longer to warm up to Leonard again. He can understand it after all he did with the Legion, but it still makes him feel a little sick. Some of them try to be subtle, but he can tell they are all watching him, trying to figure out if this is a trick. He tries not to let it hurt. At least Mick, Amy, and Sara seem happy to have him back. They've told him he was brainwashed, but despite the fact that he appreciates how quickly they accepted him, he is struggling to let go of the guilt over what he did while he was with the Legion. He doesn't even want to think about what they saw wandering around in his head.

And then he finds out that the Legends literally broke time to stop him and his Doom buddies. He feels like the guilt might eat him alive. When the new Time Bureau disbands the Legends, Mick goes to Aruba and Leonard doesn't know where he belongs. He avoids Amy, assuming she feels some sort of obligation. Why else would she want to see him now that they're off the ship? He feels too much changed to go back to a life of crime, and too damaged to be a hero. He sees Lisa, which is nice, but he doesn't know how begin to explain to her all that has happened.

He's almost relieved when Mick shows up claiming Julius Caesar is in Aruba, and the Legends are back in business. However, he still keeps his distance from the rest of the team.

The next anachronism is due to what looks like a small statue, but apparently is equipped with some major future tech. Leonard and Amy are sent on mission-Leonard being able to pick locks, and Amy being part of his cover given that the location is a couples' retreat. Gideon fashions simple wedding rings for the two.

Amy can tell Leonard is nervous. He's been keeping his distance from everyone, including her. She has been trying to give him time and space, but it hurts that he's pulling away. She hears him take a deep breath as they approach the retreat.

"Welcome to Together for Life! I'm Susan. Are you two looking to start our program?" _Wow, that woman is perky_.

Amy smiles at her brightly. "Yes, I'm Amy and this is my husband, Leonard." Amy pats his arm lightly. He flinches but then offers a thin smile.

Susan glances at Leonard, who is holding himself rigidly. She looks back at Amy with a sympathetic smile. "Intimacy issues?" Leonard looks pained, and Amy tries to hold back a chucklet. "Are you familiar with our program, and pricing?"

"Money isn't an issue," Leonard says abruptly.

"Well, in that case let me show you to your room! We can get started with the program in about an hour."

"I think we should stick with as close to the truth as possible," Leonard says as the they unpack. "It'll be easier to remember, and we just need to buy enough time to find what we're looking for."

"All right, so we've been together for over a year, but we spent some time apart for work? And don't forget, we're here to work on our intimacy issues," she teases.

"We were introduced by an acquaintance,". Leonard responds, still very serious. "We just got married, let's say a month ago."

Amy looks at the schedule. "It looks like sessions are all together. And there is actually a lot of 'independent bonding time.' So we can just play it by ear if they ask things like who sleeps on which side of the bed or how often we have sex." Leonard coughs at that. Amy looks at him, amused. "Okay, I guess it's now or never."


	21. Chapter 21

Amy can tell that Leonard is dreading today. He is practically vibrating around the room. They need to find the artifact and get _out_ of here and back to the ship.

"Why don't we just tell them we're not doing the couples' massage? We can do everything else and just break in there later."

Leonard gave her a thin smile. "I think I'm a bad influence on you."

"Very funny. But really – we don't have to do this, Leonard."

"I'll get through it."

Even without using her powers, she can feel him getting more and more anxious as they get closer to the massage therapy rooms. She wants to reach out to him, to try to offer some comfort, but she's afraid that if she tries to touch him right now she'll send him all the way into a panic attack.

They arrive, and they sit in the waiting room. Leonard starts bouncing his leg up and down, struggling to sit still. When they get called back, they are left with a couple of robes and instructions to strip. Amy looks away to give him privacy, and strips to her bra and underwear. She slips the robe on and slips her undergarments off underneath. Then she hops up to sit on the table nearest her.

She slips her bracelet off for a second and gets hit by a wave of panic so intense it almost makes her sick. She glances at Leonard almost as a reflex and sees him crouched down on the ground, head on his knees, trying to breathe. He's clutching the white terrycloth robe in one hand, and the other is hand is pressed against his forehead, shielding his eyes.

"Leonard?" she asks, cautiously approaching him. "We're not doing this, okay? He shakes his head. When she gets closer, she can see that he is trembling. "Listen – there is absolutely no reason to put yourself through this. They don't have to know why. I'm just going to tell them we're not doing it." She changes her clothes back quickly and steps outside. She comes back in a moment later, and crouches down beside him. She gently takes the robe out of his hand and tosses it on the table. "Are you ready to walk back?" He stands up, takes a deep breath, and stalks out of the room. Amy follows behind him, and doesn't say anything until they get back to the room.

Before she can say anything, Leonard throws a punch at the wall. He doesn't even react despite the fact that he scrapes his knuckles.

"Leonard, it's okay."

"It's not okay! How am I supposed to be normal if I can't even-" he explodes before stopping himself and trying to reign in his anger. He sits down on the bed and puts his head in his hands.

She sits next to him, not touching but close enough he can feel her there.

He both appreciates her giving him space and also hates the fact that he needs it. He had really thought he could get through this for the mission. He's never let his own anxieties get in the way of a job before. Of course, he never had to take all his clothes off for a job. But still. He's a _professional. _This is completely unacceptable. He would never have even tried to do something like this for personal reasons, but still. He's angry with himself for not being able to get over it for the sake of a job.

Not to mention, it bothers him because for the first time, he really wants to be different. He wants to be able to touch without feeling like his chest might explode, to be touched without having to suppress a flinch. He _likes _Amy. He likes how she looks at him like he's somebody _worth _looking at. For the first time he really wants to try. And that's terrifying because he doesn't know if he can be _enough. _He doesn't know how he can even begin to be "normal," or have any kind of a healthy relationship. And if he really tries and she leaves, he's going to get his heart broken. He feels the urge to go back to being Cold, to protect himself at all costs. To keep everyone at enough of a distance that they can't really hurt him.

But then he looks at Amy, and she's looking at him like she really _sees_ him. Where he's used to seeing judgment, he sees understanding; instead of cruelty he sees compassion and concern. And he _wants. _Most of all, he wants her to keep looking at him like he's someone worthwhile. Likes he's worth something even if he's not Captain Cold, or a master thief.

And that's why even though his heart feels like it may beat out of his chest, he leans over and kisses her. She kisses him back, and when he eventually pulls back his heart is still beating so fast. But he smiles at her-the first real smile he's given that day.

The rest of the day is hard. He _hates _therapy. Why did he agree to this mission? He thought they'd spend all their time asking about his fake marriage. He didn't expect to have to dodge questions about his childhood, or about his "fears of intimacy." He didn't expect to walk away feeling so broken, like maybe he's too damaged to ever be fixed. He had to be Captain Cold during some of the sessions. He wasn't about to have a breakdown with a stranger. But he's still on edge as he and Amy search for the artifact. He is really hoping they find it tonight so they can skip day 3 of the mission and just get back to the ship. Unfortunately, Leonard has never been that lucky.

At the end of the day, they're both exhausted. Leonard has been snappy all day, and Amy gets it but she's also getting a little frustrated. She tries to remind herself that it has nothing to do with her. She _knows _it doesn't. She knows because to some degree she feels the same way. Talking about the past can be really hard. She knows it's affecting him not just because he is about as irritable as she has ever seen him, but also because she accidentally brushed against him and she thought he was going to jump through the roof. He's even been jumpy at some regular noises, like the door closing. She's also getting a healthy dose of Captain Cold snark when he does speak to her.

She walks over to the bed and starts gathering up a pillow and one of the blankets. She tosses them on the loveseat. When Leonard looks at her, she tells him she is sleeping there when they get back from their search (unless of course they finally find this thing and get back to the ship tonight).

Bad idea, apparently. Leonard stalks away from her to get his lock-picking kit and starts busying

himself with making sure he has everything he needs. She's seen him do this obsessive counting and rearranging thing before when he's frustrated or upset. Usually it's best to just let him work it out himself….so she does. Since they can't go exploring until everyone is asleep or otherwise occupied, she gets comfy on the loveseat and picks up a book.


	22. Chapter 22

Amy can tell that Leonard is dreading today. He is practically vibrating around the room. They need to find the artifact and get _out_ of here and back to the ship.

"Why don't we just tell them we're not doing the couples' massage? We can do everything else and just break in there later."

Leonard gave her a thin smile. "I think I'm a bad influence on you."

"Very funny. But really – we don't have to do this, Leonard."

"I'll get through it."

Even without using her powers, she can feel him getting more and more anxious as they get closer to the massage therapy rooms. She wants to reach out to him, to try to offer some comfort, but she's afraid that if she tries to touch him right now she'll send him all the way into a panic attack.

They arrive, and they sit in the waiting room. Leonard starts bouncing his leg up and down, struggling to sit still. When they get called back, they are left with a couple of robes and instructions to strip. Amy looks away to give him privacy, and strips to her bra and underwear. She slips the robe on and slips her undergarments off underneath. Then she hops up to sit on the table nearest her.

She slips her bracelet off for a second and gets hit by a wave of panic so intense it almost makes her sick. She glances at Leonard almost as a reflex and sees him crouched down on the ground, head on his knees, trying to breathe. He's clutching the white terrycloth robe in one hand, and the other is hand is pressed against his forehead, shielding his eyes.

"Leonard?" she asks, cautiously approaching him. "We're not doing this, okay? He shakes his head. When she gets closer, she can see that he is trembling. "Listen – there is absolutely no reason to put yourself through this. They don't have to know why. I'm just going to tell them we're not doing it." She changes her clothes back quickly and steps outside. She comes back in a moment later, and crouches down beside him. She gently takes the robe out of his hand and tosses it on the table. "Are you ready to walk back?" He stands up, takes a deep breath, and stalks out of the room. Amy follows behind him, and doesn't say anything until they get back to the room.

Before she can say anything, Leonard throws a punch at the wall. He doesn't even react despite the fact that he scrapes his knuckles.

"Leonard, it's okay."

"It's not okay! How am I supposed to be normal if I can't even-" he explodes before stopping himself and trying to reign in his anger. He sits down on the bed and puts his head in his hands.

She sits next to him, not touching but close enough he can feel her there.

He both appreciates her giving him space and also hates the fact that he needs it. He had really thought he could get through this for the mission. He's never let his own anxieties get in the way of a job before. Of course, he never had to take all his clothes off for a job. But still. He's a _professional. _This is completely unacceptable. He would never have even tried to do something like this for personal reasons, but still. He's angry with himself for not being able to get over it for the sake of a job.

Not to mention, it bothers him because for the first time, he really wants to be different. He wants to be able to touch without feeling like his chest might explode, to be touched without having to suppress a flinch. He _likes _Amy. He likes how she looks at him like he's somebody _worth _looking at. For the first time he really wants to try. And that's terrifying because he doesn't know if he can be _enough. _He doesn't know how he can even begin to be "normal," or have any kind of a healthy relationship. And if he really tries and she leaves, he's going to get his heart broken. He feels the urge to go back to being Cold, to protect himself at all costs. To keep everyone at enough of a distance that they can't really hurt him.

But then he looks at Amy, and she's looking at him like she really _sees_ him. Where he's used to seeing judgment, he sees understanding; instead of cruelty he sees compassion and concern. And he _wants. _Most of all, he wants her to keep looking at him like he's someone worthwhile. Likes he's worth something even if he's not Captain Cold, or a master thief.

And that's why even though his heart feels like it may beat out of his chest, he leans over and kisses her. She kisses him back, and when he eventually pulls back his heart is still beating so fast. But he smiles at her-the first real smile he's given that day.

The rest of the day is hard. He _hates _therapy. Why did he agree to this mission? He thought they'd spend all their time asking about his fake marriage. He didn't expect to have to dodge questions about his childhood, or about his "fears of intimacy." He didn't expect to walk away feeling so broken, like maybe he's too damaged to ever be fixed. He had to be Captain Cold during some of the sessions. He wasn't about to have a breakdown with a stranger. But he's still on edge as he and Amy search for the artifact. He is really hoping they find it tonight so they can skip day 3 of the mission and just get back to the ship. Unfortunately, Leonard has never been that lucky.

At the end of the day, they're both exhausted. Leonard has been snappy all day, and Amy gets it but she's also getting a little frustrated. She tries to remind herself that it has nothing to do with her. She _knows _it doesn't. She knows because to some degree she feels the same way. Talking about the past can be really hard. She knows it's affecting him not just because he is about as irritable as she has ever seen him, but also because she accidentally brushed against him and she thought he was going to jump through the roof. He's even been jumpy at some regular noises, like the door closing. She's also getting a healthy dose of Captain Cold snark when he does speak to her.

She walks over to the bed and starts gathering up a pillow and one of the blankets. She tosses them on the loveseat. When Leonard looks at her, she tells him she is sleeping there when they get back from their search (unless of course they finally find this thing and get back to the ship tonight).

Bad idea, apparently. Leonard stalks away from her to get his lock-picking kit and starts busying

himself with making sure he has everything he needs. She's seen him do this obsessive counting and rearranging thing before when he's frustrated or upset. Usually it's best to just let him work it out himself….so she does. Since they can't go exploring until everyone is asleep or otherwise occupied, she gets comfy on the loveseat and picks up a book.


	23. Chapter 23

_24,25,26, left turn, 1, 2, …_Leonard is tense. He tries to calm his mind by focusing on the "heist." Counting seconds, counting steps, etc. He finds some comfort in the routine, and tries not to think about anything else.

Like how he's been flinching anytime anyone came near him today. He hates when people notice-weakness is just something they can exploit. It makes him vulnerable. He hates being vulnerable.

_8,9,10, exit on the left, 11, 12…_He definitely doesn't want to think about why Amy decided to make a point of sleeping on the loveseat, or why she has been quiet all day. Or the fact that it hurts.

_21,22,23…dead end on the right, hallway on the left…_ He's not going to acknowledge the flashbacks. He's done thinking about Lewis.

_185 seconds searching this room. Nine rooms to go…_God he hopes they find the artifact soon.

Unfortunately, they still haven't found what they need by the time they get through room #9 (_which took 240 seconds to search)._ They reach their room _(84 steps after the last right turn) _and enter.

_143 seconds brushing teeth._ He and Amy get ready for bed silently. _96 seconds to change clothes_. He is NOT thinking about the scars under his shirt. _18 seconds to put dirty clothes back in the bag. _He did NOT just have a flashback of Lewis whipping him with a belt for leaving his dirty socks on the floor. _11 seconds to store the bag under the bed. _He's NOT going to dream about Lewis tonight. _Probably not going to sleep at all._

Amy's already comfortable on the loveseat. _24 steps to the bathroom, 24 steps back._ He knows he should get in bed and try to sleep. _Reorganize the lock picking kit. Smallest tool to largest. _ He can't shut his mind down. He hates that he's not alone right now. _Inspect each tool, starting with the smallest. Inspect, replace, inspect, replace…_ He goes through the kit at least three times before Amy says something.

"Leonard? Is there anything I can do?" _How do I even answer that question? Why do you even care?_ "I don't want to push if you just want to be left alone. But if you don't, I'm here."

"You're here, at a distance. Got it," Leonard's voice is dripping with sarcasm.

Amy's eyes flash once. She starts to open her mouth, then pauses. "Are you talking about me sleeping over here?" Leonard doesn't answer. "Len, I told you what happened to me," she says somberly. "Today was hard for me too. I don't want to hurt you if I have nightmares. That's all this is."

_Idiot. _He curses himself inwardly. _Of course today was hard for her too. I was there when she had to talk about the rape. _He feels guilty now on top of everything else. It's overwhelming. _25 ceiling tiles over the bed. 136 individual blinds on each window._ _25 squares on the blanket. 15 flowers in the picture on the wall…_

"Len, do you need to be left alone? Or is there something I can do to help?"she asks quietly.

_188 stripes on the loveseat. _He did NOT flinch when she started to speak. He _doesn't_ feel like he's going crazy. _Two stains on the carpet, about 3 mm each._ He DEFINITELY doesn't feel like he might break down if he stops counting.

"Okay, I wasn't going to break this out until a special occasion, but I had Gideon make a little something." She walks over to her bag and pulls out a small box. She sits on one side of the loveseat and pats the other side. He reluctantly crosses over and sits next to her. _10 steps from the bed to the couch…_

He looks at the box and barks out a laugh for the first time today. The box says _Heist!_ And there is a picture on the front of…

"Is that me and Mick?" Amy giggles and nods, grinning. "You have too much time on your hands."

"So, as the name implies, the object of the game is to plan and execute a heist without going to jail. You start by picking a person, place, or thing to rob…."

Leonard could think of some improvements, but the game is actually pretty well done given that he's fairly certain Amy has never planned a heist in her life.

He's stopped counting everything in the room, so that's something.

He still doesn't want to take a chance on the kind of nightmares he'll have if he goes to sleep.

Amy fell asleep about half an hour ago, so he's amusing himself with a solo round of _Heist!_

He hears her whimper, and say "no" in her sleep. He thinks briefly about whether he should wake up before she bolts upright, eyes wild and tears streaming down her face.

"Hey," he says softly. "Are you okay?" Amy is still trying to even out her breathing.

"Can I hold your hand? I can still feel – I need to focus on something else." He gives her his hand. He shivers as her fingers explore his hand and wrist, pausing as she traces over his scars. He looks at her face and she looks calmer, more focused. After a few minutes, she looks up at him and smiles. "Thank you."

"It's _cool," _he drawls in his Captain Cold voice. Amy snorts, and he breaks character and grins.

"Aren't you tired?" She yawns and asks him about an hour later.

"I don't want to dream about Lewis," he answers quietly.

"Can I help? You've gotta sleep, Len."

He breathes deeply and barely manages to force the words out… "will you lay with me?"

"Of course," she says. She stands up, but hesitates before going to the bed. "If I have another nightmare…I've been known to hit and kick people."

"I'll take the risk if it's all the same to you." She nods, and they both get in the bed, facing each other. Amy reaches up and cups the side of his face with one hand, stroking her thumb over his cheek. Leonard closes his eyes for a moment. Amy moves her hand up and runs her hand over his hair before settling it at the back of his neck. "I'm sorry I was an ass today."

"What do you mean today?" She teases. "I'm kidding. It's okay. I understand."

"I hate talking about this stuff. Why do people do this? _How _do they do this on a regular basis?"

"Therapy isn't actually supposed to be enjoyable. If you're getting something out of it, it's uncomfortable at times and you probably hate it some days. But over time it helps."

Leonard is quiet for a minute. "What if you're too messed up and broken to be helped?" He avoids her eyes.

"You're not broken, Leonard," she says gently. "You've survived some terrible things. That's nothing to be ashamed of."

He wishes he could believe that, but he doesn't say anything else.

Thankfully, they both get a few hours sleep before the alarm goes off. Leonard can tell his sleep was restless. He's tangled up in the sheets. But at least he doesn't remember any nightmares.


	24. Chapter 24

They go to their first session of the day, and Leonard feels a huge wave of relief as he sees the artifact. This is the last day he has to go through this. They'll be able to break in and sneak back to the Waverider tonight.

He nearly forgets about his relief as he and Amy are led through a series of exercises designed to "promote intimacy though physical affection." He wouldn't be able to tolerate this if it were anyone else. Doing it in front of another person, on command, makes his skin crawl.

When it's finally over, they move to a new session. This one is a little easier. They play a game called "remember when," which mostly involves telling stories about their history as a couple. The therapist asks about their first date and Leonard has to fight back a laugh as he realizes she is describing their 70s barfight. They make up a lot of the answers, mixing in some truth where they can. It's the most fun Leonard has had at any of these sessions.

The last session, a workshop, is the least fun Leonard has had. He tries to just block out as much as possible. He's not having another night like last night.

Finally, they're back in their room but have to wait a few hours to go breaking and entering. They're quiet, getting themselves ready and packing up since they'll be leaving right after they get what they came for. He starts thinking about Amy-how she talked about him in their first session, how she's talked him through panic and worse, how she makes him feel just by looking at him. He's not sure what comes over him, but before he can stop himself he walks over, cups her face in his hands, and kisses her. When she kisses him back, he feels really happy for the first time in a long time.


	25. Chapter 25

Now that they are back on the ship, and Leonard is trying not to seclude himself out of guilt, he's starting to get to know the newer members of the team. The Hawkpeople, or as Mick puts it, the "stupid flying chicken people," are retired. Rip is running the Time Bureau. Nate (who turns into solid steel) seems to be almost as obnoxious as Raymond. Amaya is from 1941, and seems to have formed a bond with Mick of all people. Surprising, but Leonard is glad that Mick has made a connection with someone else. He seems to have gotten close to Sara as well. Finally, the recently picked up Zari from the future. She and Amaya are totem bearers – Amaya can channel and communicate with animals, and Zari can control the air.

Although Leonard doesn't have anything necessarily against the new people, he _does_ have something against the idiotic icebreaker Raymond is trying to make everyone participate in.

"What makes a hero? Ray says dramatically. "Is it powers? Strength? Bravery? _No_. A hero is forged by his or her relationships, our bonds of brotherhood or sisterhood. That is why I'm taking you all through the ten-step team-building process _I_ perfected at Palmer Tech. Step 1, part 1: icebreakers."

Leonard has rolled his eyes so much in the last ten minutes that they may actually stay that way.

"Dude, we've been stuck on a ship that has one bathroom. I think we know each other well enough," Jax groans.

"And your timing couldn't be worse, given that we're being chased by a water-wielding assassin and the Time Bureau," Stein says.

"We need to grow as a team. First up is "Two Truths and a Lie". When Sara shakes her head, Ray argues, "It's gonna be fun."

"Lie!" Mick says.

"It'll be fun like a lobotomy is fun," Leonard whispers. Amy grins.

"I haven't started yet. Look, I know you guys probably think this is lame–"

"Truth!" Sara chimes in.

"But we have a new crew member, and it is important for Zari to _bond_ with us. Not only as team members, but as individuals."

Zari, the newest member of the team, is clearly not into this. "Yeah, well, I'm no hero and I'm not a member of any team. Besides, I already have you all figured out. The old guy wants to be anywhere but on this ship." She walks by Amaya and Nate. "These two have some 'will they, won't they' thing going on." Nate nods. "Rory's been drunk since breakfast." Mick tips his beer at her and Leonard snorts. "_J_ax is wondering if I'm single. " She points at Leonard and Amy, "He makes sarcastic comments about everything, and these two love each other but won't admit it." She gestures at the ceiling. "And your ship's still mad at me for doing a teeny hack on her sub-systems. Now, what's this about one bathroom?"

Most of the team jump in trying to argue with Zari's assessments. Ray tries to get everybody back on track. "OK, so I'll start and everyone has to guess which of the three things I say is a lie. I have a twin brother. Suit is made of dwarf star. My first pet was a cat."

Everyone just stares at him.

"My first pet was a snake…okay, not liking this game…how about "Never Have I ever'?

"A drinking game. That's more like it, Haircut." Mick raises his glass.

Gideon picks that moment to tell them about an anachronism, and Leonard has never been so happy to hear from her.

While several of the Legends are working to save Raymond's life and get an alien baby back to its mother, Leonard is bored back on the ship. He hears a knock on his door.

"Come in," he calls.

"So I realized that back home it's June." Amy is hiding something behind her back. Leonard looks at her warily. She brings out the ugliest cake he's ever seen in his life. It's blue and white, and it looks like someone tried to decorate it with snowflakes. It says in really terrible handwriting "Happy Birthday, Leonard!" Amy looks sheepish. "I promise it should taste better than it looks. It won't poison you, for sure." Leonard covers his mouth to stifle a laugh. Amy glares at him. "Oh, come on! Next time I'll just have Gideon make a cake," she grumbles, but there is laughter in her eyes.

"I really appreciate it. Honestly, no one has ever made me a cake before." Leonard feels a little emotional about that, which he covers by making fun of the hilariously awful cake in front of him. "So it is safe to eat?" She glares at him again, and they both bust up laughing. "I'm sorry, thank you for making me a cake," he says between gasps. "It's one of the nicest things anybody has done for me. But my God that is a hideous cake." Amy doubles over at that. "Did you decorate it in the dark?" She sets the cake down and lightly slaps his arm.

Once they calm down, she pulls something else out of her bag. " This is for you, too. Open it."

He unwraps the gift and sees it is an early edition of Robert Frost's the Road Not Taken. He holds it gingerly, looking at Amy.

"You mentioned he was your favorite poet once. I found this in a little bookshop when we were in the 80s last time." Amy sounds concerned, asking "do you like it?"

Leonard can't answer her at first, and his eyes are blurry with tears. "My mom used to read this to me when I was little, before Lisa was born." He blinks rapidly until the tears are no longer threatening to fall, and then he hugs Amy tightly. "Thank you," he murmurs into her hair. When he pulls back, he says, Now that they are back on the ship, and Leonard is trying not to seclude himself out of guilt, he's starting to get to know the newer members of the team. The Hawkpeople, or as Mick puts it, the "stupid flying chicken people," are retired. Rip is running the Time Bureau. Nate (who turns into solid steel) seems to be almost as obnoxious as Raymond. Amaya is from 1941, and seems to have formed a bond with Mick of all people. Surprising, but Leonard is glad that Mick has made a connection with someone else. He seems to have gotten close to Sara as well. Finally, the recently picked up Zari from the future. She and Amaya are totem bearers – Amaya can channel and communicate with animals, and Zari can control the air.

Although Leonard doesn't have anything necessarily against the new people, he _does_ have something against the idiotic icebreaker Raymond is trying to make everyone participate in.

"What makes a hero? Ray says dramatically. "Is it powers? Strength? Bravery? _No_. A hero is forged by his or her relationships, our bonds of brotherhood or sisterhood. That is why I'm taking you all through the ten-step team-building process _I_ perfected at Palmer Tech. Step 1, part 1: icebreakers."

Leonard has rolled his eyes so much in the last ten minutes that they may actually stay that way.

"Dude, we've been stuck on a ship that has one bathroom. I think we know each other well enough," Jax groans.

"And your timing couldn't be worse, given that we're being chased by a water-wielding assassin and the Time Bureau," Stein says.

"We need to grow as a team. First up is "Two Truths and a Lie". When Sara shakes her head, Ray argues, "It's gonna be fun."

"Lie!" Mick says.

"It'll be fun like a lobotomy is fun," Leonard whispers. Amy grins.

"I haven't started yet. Look, I know you guys probably think this is lame–"

"Truth!" Sara chimes in.

"But we have a new crew member, and it is important for Zari to _bond_ with us. Not only as team members, but as individuals."

Zari, the newest member of the team, is clearly not into this. "Yeah, well, I'm no hero and I'm not a member of any team. Besides, I already have you all figured out. The old guy wants to be anywhere but on this ship." She walks by Amaya and Nate. "These two have some 'will they, won't they' thing going on." Nate nods. "Rory's been drunk since breakfast." Mick tips his beer at her and Leonard snorts. "_J_ax is wondering if I'm single. " She points at Leonard and Amy, "He makes sarcastic comments about everything, and these two love each other but won't admit it." She gestures at the ceiling. "And your ship's still mad at me for doing a teeny hack on her sub-systems. Now, what's this about one bathroom?"

Most of the team jump in trying to argue with Zari's assessments. Ray tries to get everybody back on track. "OK, so I'll start and everyone has to guess which of the three things I say is a lie. I have a twin brother. Suit is made of dwarf star. My first pet was a cat."

Everyone just stares at him.

"My first pet was a snake…okay, not liking this game…how about "Never Have I ever'?

"A drinking game. That's more like it, Haircut." Mick raises his glass.

Gideon picks that moment to tell them about an anachronism, and Leonard has never been so happy to hear from her.

While several of the Legends are working to save Raymond's life and get an alien baby back to its mother, Leonard is bored back on the ship. He hears a knock on his door.

"Come in," he calls.

"So I realized that back home it's June." Amy is hiding something behind her back. Leonard looks at her warily. She brings out the ugliest cake he's ever seen in his life. It's blue and white, and it looks like someone tried to decorate it with snowflakes. It says in really terrible handwriting "Happy Birthday, Leonard!" Amy looks sheepish. "I promise it should taste better than it looks. It won't poison you, for sure." Leonard covers his mouth to stifle a laugh. Amy glares at him. "Oh, come on! Next time I'll just have Gideon make a cake," she grumbles, but there is laughter in her eyes.

"I really appreciate it. Honestly, no one has ever made me a cake before." Leonard feels a little emotional about that, which he covers by making fun of the hilariously awful cake in front of him. "So it is safe to eat?" She glares at him again, and they both bust up laughing. "I'm sorry, thank you for making me a cake," he says between gasps. "It's one of the nicest things anybody has done for me. But my God that is a hideous cake." Amy doubles over at that. "Did you decorate it in the dark?" She sets the cake down and lightly slaps his arm.

Once they calm down, she pulls something else out of her bag. " This is for you, too. Open it."

He unwraps the gift and sees it is an early edition of Robert Frost's the Road Not Taken. He holds it gingerly, looking at Amy.

"You mentioned he was your favorite poet once. I found this in a little bookshop when we were in the 80s last time." Amy sounds concerned, asking "do you like it?"

Leonard can't answer her at first, and his eyes are blurry with tears. "My mom used to read this to me when I was little, before Lisa was born." He blinks rapidly until the tears are no longer threatening to fall, and then he hugs Amy tightly. "Thank you," he murmurs into her hair. When he pulls back, he says, "Now let's see if that cake is anywhere near as bad as it looks."

As he starts to dish up the cake, she tells him he doesn't have to share if he doesn't want to. He just looks at her for a moment before responding, "I'm not attacking that thing by myself. I don't entirely trust it not to try to eat me instead." Amy snorts, and they do sit down to eat the cake (which turns out to be delicious despite its appearance).

What they very pointedly don't talk about his Zari's statement earlier. However, Leonard finds himself thinking about whether this thing he feels for her is love.

"Now let's see if that cake is anywhere near as bad as it looks."

As he starts to dish up the cake, she tells him he doesn't have to share if he doesn't want to. He just looks at her for a moment before responding, "I'm not attacking that thing by myself. I don't entirely trust it not to try to eat me instead." Amy snorts, and they do sit down to eat the cake (which turns out to be delicious despite its appearance).

What they very pointedly don't talk about his Zari's statement earlier. However, Leonard finds himself thinking about whether this thing he feels for her is love.


	26. Chapter 26

Leonard is having a hard time dealing with Stein's death. He's sad like everyone else is, but he's having nightmares every night. He's been having more flashbacks during the day, too, and he is trying not to snap at everyone he sees. Ultimately, he decides to hang out in his room until it's time for the next mission.

Amy comes over to his room, and he tries. But he's so anxious right now that every time she touches him, or really even moves toward him, he flinches. She bumped her arm on the wall awhile ago and the noise made him nearly jump through the roof. She hasn't said anything to him about it, but it's embarrassing and it's driving him crazy. _Why is this happening?_

Amy eventually asks him if he wants her to go, and he isn't sure what to say. He doesn't, but he also is so frustrated that he does. He's so tense that his neck and his shoulders hurt. He's exhausted from tossing and turning all night and probably from being so tense for so long. He must look at Amy kind of helplessly, because she doesn't push him to answer her.

"Okay, so just let me know if you decide you need to be by yourself. Until then I'll be here." She pauses for a moment. Leonard yawns. "Have you been sleeping?" She asks him quietly.

"Not much," he admits.

"Nightmares?" He looks down, avoiding her eyes, but he nods once. "I can stay while you sleep. If you want."Leonard is so tired. Too tired to even really feel embarrassed about accepting her offer. They both climb into his bed, and it isn't long before he drifts off.

Amy wakes up some time later to Leonard talking in his sleep. He's moving around a lot, and he looks like he's having a nightmare. She sits up, saying his name softly and then trying it louder. He doesn't respond, still yelling out in his sleep. He looks like he's trying to fight someone off. He still doesn't respond as she tries to get his attention. When she sees tears start to run down his face, she braces herself (ready to block a punch if needed) and lays a hand on his arm to rouse him.

What she doesn't expect is for Leonard to crash-land off the edge of the bed, eyes wild, as he backs away from her touch. He's hyperventilating and he looks disoriented.

"Leonard, you were having a nightmare," Amy says carefully. "I'm sorry I startled you. You're on the Waverider, and you're safe." Leonard starts to look a little calmer. He scrubs his hands over his face, slowing his breathing as he does so. Amy keeps a distance, watching and patiently waiting. Leonard looks embarrassed as he comes and sits back up on the bed. He buries his face in his hands, and when Amy looks at his back, which is turned toward her, she can see him trembling. She scoots to the edge of the bed and sits next to him, no touching. "That looked like a bad one," she says gently. "Do you want to talk about it?" He shakes his head no, head still in his hands. "Is it OK if I touch your back?" He waits for a moment before he nods.

He startles again when she first lays her hand on his back. She waits to move it until he relaxes again, and she rubs large circles on his back. "God, I'm so tired," he whispers after several minutes. He rubs his eyes. He looks at her apprehensively. "I didn't hurt you, did I?"

"No. Can you sleep?"

Leonard hesitates. "I'm afraid to go back to sleep," he admits.

"How can I help?"

Leonard takes a moment to answer her, but then asks, in a smaller voice than she has ever heard from him, if she will hold him while he goes back to sleep. They lay down again, and Amy curls herself around Leonard, one arm draped over his side and wrapped around his chest. Eventually, his breathing evens out and she falls back asleep.

Unfortunately, they're not asleep for very long before Amy is awakened by a loud noise and a sharp pain in her cheek. She startles awake before she realizes Leonard is having another nightmare. "Len?" He is thrashing around, and she is afraid he is going to hurt himself. "Len, honey, wake up," she says a little louder. She shakes him gently, and the next thing she knows he has her pinned underneath him, his hand pressed against her throat. His eyes are glazed, and he looks frantic. Amy coughs, and manages to get her hand out from Leonard's grasp. She reaches up and manages to snap her fingers near his face. He looks confused for a moment, then shakes his head as if to clear it.

Leonard hears Amy, but it sounds like she is speaking to him through water. He feels out of sorts. He scrambles off when he realizes that he is on top of Amy hold her at her throat. A look of horror crosses his face. "Did I...?" He trails off, and looking at her cheek and the bruise already forming. He moves his hand and notices the bruises around her neck. "I think I'm gonna be sick," he groans and rushes into the bathroom, shutting the door behind him.

He grips the toilet as he empties his stomach, falling down to his knees. He hates himself. He heaves again, and it turns into a sob. He flashes back to similar bruises on his mom, watching her put on makeup to cover black eyes. He swore to himself, at least in that way, he would never be like Lewis. He has another flashback, this time of holding baby Lisa, hiding, while his father backhanded his mother. He starts gasping, and he can't stop the sobs that are ripping their way out of his chest.

He hears a knock on the door. "Len?" Silence, for a moment. "Len, hon, open the door. Please?" He doesn't answer. He knows she can hear him through the door, and he can't find it in him to care. "Len, I'm worried about you. Say something or I'm coming in." She waits a moment before opening the door. He knows he must look terrible. He's sitting on the floor in front of the toilet, arms wrapped tightly around his knees. He's crying so hard that he has actually started hiccupping, and he feels like he might get sick again. His entire body is wracked with sobs.

Amy sits down next to him. "Leonard, look at me," she says gently but firmly. He shakes his head. He can't bring himself to look at her, to see what he's done. "Len, come on. It was an accident. Look at me – I'm fine." He still can't look, and just thinking about the bruising that was already starting on her neck and cheek makes him cry harder. She sits next to him and rubs his back, but he pulls away. He can't bring himself to let her touch him – he doesn't deserve the comfort.

She tugs on his shoulder a little more insistently, scooting around so she can face him a little better. She gently takes one of his hands, loosing up his fist. He feels stinging and realizes his nails have sliced open his palms. _Good_, he thinks bitterly. She massages his hand, working at the tight muscles there. "Len, do you know what happened when you were waking up?" _I attacked you like a f—ing psychopath._ "It's called dissociation. It happens sometimes with PTSD. You lose time sometimes, or feel like things around you aren't real? Maybe like you're not in control of your own body?" That shocks him into looking up. She smiles gently at him, raises a hand up and wipes the tears from his face with her thumb. "It wasn't your fault, Len. And I'm fine, I promise."

Leonard opens and closes his mouth. He swallows hard around the lump in his throat. "I'm so sorry." Hot tears make their way down his cheeks. "I thought at least in that way I'd never-" his voice breaks. "I didn't think I'd be like my dad. I'm so, so sorry." He barely gets that out before a sob bursts out. He struggles to calm himself, and his breaths are shaky.

Amy opens her arms. "Come here," she says firmly. "I mean it." He looks apprehensive for a second, but then he rests his forehead on her shoulder and lets her drape her arms around him. Lisa has hugged him before, plenty of times, but he realizes this is the first time in his life that someone has just held him and let him cry. That thought breaks him all over again. He presses his face into her upper chest, trying to stifle the sobs that feel like they won't ever stop. She murmurs "it's okay, we're okay," over and over, tracing the fingers of her right hand up and down his spine. She kisses the top of his head before resting her cheek against it.


	27. Chapter 27

Leonard still feels incredibly guilty. Self-loathing is at an all-time high. The _one_ thing he's always felt good about is the fact that he never harms women or children. Amy is not mad at him, but he feels like he is no better than Lewis no matter how much she tries to reassure him.

He's also afraid to go to sleep near her. He doesn't understand why she seems disappointed that he encouraged her to go to her own room to sleep. Why would she want to be around him after what happened? Especially at night. He feels like it could kill him if it happened again.

After a week of his avoiding her when possible, and no nights spent together, she corners him in the cargo hold. _Well, he has to face the music sometime._ He's waiting for her to decide that she's done with him, to decide he's just too broken and walk away. He tries to steel himself, to channel Captain Cold, but he knows that no matter what he does this is going to hurt.

"Okay, Leonard, _enough," _she sounds exasperated. He forces himself to maintain an impassive expression despite his heart breaking in his chest. She shocks him with her next words, though. "Stop beating yourself up. _Stop avoiding me._ I miss you." She gives him a half smile, and he is sure she can read the surprise on his face. She steps a little closer, and raises her hand to cradle his cheek softly. "You're a good man." He scoffs, and she focuses her eyes intently on his. "Stop that. You are a good person. What happened the other night was _not_ your fault. Do you think I've never smacked anybody in the middle of a nightmare? _It happens." _She pauses. "I know the nightmares are bad. It's easier, at least for me, not face them alone. I like sleeping with you. I feel _safe _with you. If you don't want this, then I'll respect that and leave you alone. But this -" she gestures between herself and Leonard - "this is what I want."

Leonard is silent for a long time. "I don't understand why," he says softly. "If I'm not Captain Cold, if I'm not a Rogue...why do you want to spend time with me? What can you possibly get from that?"

Amy looks at him sadly. "I get you, Len. I don't care about Captain Cold. I care about _you._"

Leonard doesn't know what to say to that. No one, except Lisa or _maybe_ Mick, has ever just _accepted_ him for who he is, no strings attached. He may have a lot of confidence as Captain Cold, but when he's just Leonard outside of a heist or mission he mostly just feels lost.

Amy takes a deep breath. "Look, Len, I like you. A lot. I want to be friends with you. Actually, if I'm completely honest I want to be more than "just" friends with you. But I don't want to pressure you into anything you don't want." She looks at him, cheeks flushed red. "Please be honest with me. Do you want to be friends with me?" His alarm bells are ringing, but he forces himself to nod. "Okay," she smiles, then bites her lower lip. "Len, do you want to have _some_ kind of relationship with me? Whatever that would look like? I mean—" she sighs. "This isn't coming out well. Let me start over. I know that you may not ever want to have a sexual relationship. But do you want to be something more than friends? With me?"

Leonard speaks before he can second guess. "You can't possibly be okay with that."

"Leonard, I'm a grown woman. You think I haven't gone for periods of time without having sex?" She looks him in the eye. "Yeah, I would like to do those things. But it's not a deal-breaker, and it's not like I just want to go out and sleep with anybody. I _want_ to be _with you._ If that's what you want too, then I don't care if sex isn't part of the package." He looks down at the ground. "But I _do_ need to know what you want. Because if all you want is friendship, then I need to know so I can be okay with that. Preferably without thinking there's a possibility for something more and then getting my heart broken."

He looks up at her in surprise at that. He tries not to let himself hope. At the same time, she looks so nervous that he wonders if she actually means it. He should tell her he wants to be just friends, to protect his own heart. But if he's honest with himself, and if he lets himself hope, he _does_ want something more than friendship with her. It terrifies him, but he _wants _it about as much as he's ever wanted anything. He surprises himself when he says, "I want to try. To be more than friends. With you." His heart is jumping in his chest, but the brilliant smile she gives him makes him feel like the risk is worth taking. And he actually grins back.

Later that night, he starts to wonder If he made the right decision. He's so nervous that he feels sick. He hears a knock on the door, and he tells Gideon to open it.

"Leonard, you okay?" Amy walks in. "I took my bracelet off to take a shower." She doesn't say that she can feel his anxiety down the hall, but she doesn't have to. "Can I sit?" He gestures for her to go ahead, and she sits on the bed next to him. "Do you want to talk about what's going on?"

He's silent for a few minutes, picking at one of his nails. He tries to figure out how to say what he needs to say. "I—" he stops and takes a deep breath. "Every time I've tried to be more than "just friends" with someone…" he starts softly. "Things go okay for awhile. Then we get to a point where it feels like too much." His nail bed has started bleeding a little, and Amy gently takes his hand. "The first girl I ever dated called me an asshole when I couldn't sleep with her. Then told Lewis that I couldn't "get it up" and that she thought I was gay. He beat me so badly that I was out of school for a week." She strokes the back of his hand, just listening. "The first guy I tried with got impatient waiting for me to stop freaking out whenever he touched me. He drugged me and then got what he wanted." He swipes the back of his free hand under his eyes. "The only other time I tried, the girl took me back to her place. We were from the same neighborhood, and she knew what I'd had to do sometimes to take care of Lisa." He's trembling now, and he takes a deep breath, willing his body to stop. "We kissed some, but I wasn't ready to go farther than that. She was furious, and the last thing I heard as I walked out was 'you know you're a prude, for a whore." He lets his breath out in a _whoosh_ and keeps his eyes down. He tries to pretend they aren't filling with tears.

"Leonard, you know me by now," Amy says, trying to make eye contact with him. He keeps looking down, and a tear falls from his eyelashes onto the ground. "You know I wouldn't do anything like that to you, right?" Leonard rests his forehead on his free hand. Another tear escapes toward the ground. He blinks, but it doesn't help. "I know it's hard to trust someone," she whispers. "But I've never lied to you. Can you try to trust that I won't push you farther than you're ready to go? All you have to do is say the word."

He sniffles. He keeps his eyes on the ground. "I'll try," he whispers. She squeezes his hand.

"I like spending the night with you. Is that something _you_ like? And feel comfortable with?"

"Most of the time. Sometimes I need to be by myself."

"That's fair," she says, surprising Leonard. "Can you tell me when those times are?"

"I'll try."

"Okay," she smiles at him. "What about kissing, holding hands, hugging…Is there anything we've done so far that you're not okay with?"

Leonard can't believe they're talking about this. It sounds like a business transaction, but at the same time he really _appreciates_ that she's asking all these questions because she wants him to feel comfortable. No one has ever done that for him before. "I like those things some of the time. There are times where it bothers me to be touched at all," he says, the last part somewhat apprehensive.

"Okay, I'll try to pay attention, but I need to know that you'll say something if you're uncomfortable. I can't be worried all the time that I'm pushing you too far, or this isn't going to work." She bites her lower lip again. "If I start obsessing about trying to read subtle clues it's going to make me crazy. And I will try to do that if I don't think you're being upfront with me about where your comfort zone is. I wish I could be _cool_ about it," she pauses at that, and he smiles. "But I know myself well enough to say that I _need_ you to flat-out tell me what you are and aren't comfortable with. And what you _like, _and what you don't. Fair?"

Leonard hesitates. "I may need some help figuring that out. But I'll do my best to tell you as we go along." He pauses again. "Do you want to stay here tonight?"

Not long after, Amy's asleep in his bed. Their hands are clasped together and resting between their chests. He kisses her hand, and she smiles slightly in her sleep. He's still scared. He doesn't know if that will ever go away. He doesn't know if he'll ever be able to stop waiting for the day that she decides he's not worth all this effort. If that happens, he's afraid this time he'll be so broken that he can't ever put himself back together. But he's also not ready to let go of how she makes him feel when she gives him that look. The look that says she sees him, she _knows_ him, and accepts all of him. Not just the skills he brings to a job, or Captain Cold, or the way he looks. She has unwaveringly accepted so much of his past that he's always felt he had to keep hidden. She has seen and helped him through the insecurities, fears, and uncertainties. She's held him and offered reassurances and support while he cried.

The last thing he thinks before he falls asleep is that maybe he's got a chance to really be happy. He's going to take the risk. She's worth it.


	28. Chapter 28

Leonard is worried about Mick.

It _irritates_ him that he is worried about Mick. They don't _do_ worried.

Of course, things have changed a lot in the past couple of years, he supposes.

Things never stay sane for long where the Legends are concerned. They saved Ray, and found out there was _not_ a vampire in 1800s London. They sent Helen of Troy from 1930s Hollywood to the Amazon. They lost Stein, and in their own way they grieved. At the moment, they are focused on the fact that Damien Dahrk has been resurrected, he's working with another witch, and they are apparently set on releasing a time demon named Mallus.

And now they are trying to deal with Grodd the telepathic gorilla in the middle of the Vietnam war. _Because life just wasn't weird enough_. Not to mention, Sara is in a coma due to Damien Dahrk. Mick is adamantly opposed to going to Vietnam. Leonard is the only one who knows why. Nonetheless, Mick ends up trekking through the jungle with Nate and Amy.

"Too many trees. Too many plants," Mick grumbles.

"We'll be back on concrete in no time," Nate says.

Mick slaps the back of his neck. "Bugs! Flies."

"What's going on with you? You're grumpier than usual," Nate asks.

"What? I'm in a good mood."

"Is it because I made your boots too big?" Nate asks again. "Cause I forget you have small feet. Why would you not want to come to Vietnam anyway? This place was like made for you."

"My dad."

"What about him?"

"He's here! Nam! The war!"

"Oh, buddy, you don't think you're really going to see him do you? There's almost no chance we're going to run into your father in a jungle this big."

"Almost. That means there's a chance."

"I'll buy you a six pack if we run into him."

Just then, they are surrounded by American soldiers. The first thing Mick says is "you owe me a six-pack."

Amy and Nate put their hands up on command, but Mick keeps pointing his gun at his father, to which Nate says under his breath, "Dude, what are you doing?" He speaks louder then, introducing himself as an operations officer for the CIA, Mick as his partner, and Amy as their medic.

After a tense stand-off, they decide to work together. Mick is still staring his father down, and so Nate drags him off to talk some sense into him.

"Look, I'm sorry you have to see your father, but you need to suck it up."

"If it wasn't for this time-travelling stuff I would've never run into that bastard."

"Okay, you know what? We're changing this operation. This has become Operation Tough Love. Yeah, I'm gonna go all Dr. Phil on your ass. It's time for you to man up and sort out – "

"Daddy issues," Mick says.

"I was going to say unresolved grief, but let's go with what you're saying," Nate says.

"You want to know why I've never seen a shrink? I don't regret killing my old man."

"What?" Nate looks horrified. Amy's first thought is that something terrible may have happened to Mick before he killed his father.

"That's right, Pretty. You heard me. I let my old man burn to death. How's that for tough love?"

They're sitting by the river later, and Amy is trying to figure out what to say to Mick. She and Mick haven't been particularly close, but she is still concerned. She doesn't wear her bracelet on missions, and Mick is radiating a combination of anger and pain. Plus, Leonard asked her to keep an eye on Mick before the mission. Now she knows why.

"Some pretty rough burns you got there, son. Hit by Napalm?" Dick Rory comes up and asks.

"I ain't your son." Mick stalks away. Nate and Amy follow.

Nate is appalled. "Do you know what's on your father's head?"

"A little Frenchie hat."

"That is a Green Beret. President Kennedy called them a symbol of excellence, a badge of courage."

"Courage?" Mick asks Nate. "The only thing my old man was good at was sitting in a chair. Cigarette in one hand, beer in the other. And the only time he ever got up was to –" Amy gets hit by a strong wave of emotion before it is stamped down. She has a pretty good feeling what Mick's dad was "good at."

"No, Mick, come on, this is good…" Nate keeps talking, but Amy is distracted by bushes rustling. 

Then they get ambushed.

American and Vietcong soldiers are working together, and this anachronism gets stranger and stranger. They escape with their lives, and Dick Rory saves Mick's life. He and Mick have a talk by the fire, and Amy is concerned when she sees Mick go off alone.

She goes to find him, and comes across him just as Nate does.

"Hey man, you good? Mick? What were you doing?" Nate asks.

"What does it look like?" Mick answers, his voice flat.

"Uh, looks like you were burning your own skin, but that would be completely insane, right?" _Subtle, Nate. _

"My whole life I saw him as a monster. Blamed him for all the sick things that I've done." Mick's voice sounds empty, and his eyes are distant. "But now I see that I'm worse than him. Should've been me that burned in that house."

No one says anything. What is there to say to that?

Mick seems to take a new view of his father after that. Dick Rory knocks Nate out, since he "doesn't take orders from the CIA," and Mick is on board with whatever "Pops" has planned. That is, until his father is ready to ambush Grodd's camp, taking out everyone with it. Including Mick's team.

Mick pulls a gun on his father again.

"What do you think you're doing?" Dick asks.

"Saving your life."

"What are you talking about?"

Mick sighs. "I know what's going on in that head of yours. But killing these people is not gonna bring back your men."

They argue, and Nate tries to tell him what will happen if he shoots his father. Mick knows – he just doesn't care.

"I got nothing to lose," Mick says. "But you do. You get to go home. But if you kill these people, you'll hear their screams forever. And one day when you have a family, you won't be able to look them in the eye. Because this day, this act you're about to commit, will be burned in your memory forever."

Mick still decks him, even after he lowers his weapon.

He doesn't take his lighter back, so that's something. Amy hopes he'll be okay. But they aren't really close, and she doesn't know what to say.

Leonard pulls her aside when they are back on the ship.

"I'm worried about him, too," she whispers. "But I don't know what to do for him. I wish I did. I'm pretty sure if I try to talk to him he'll say something like 'more drinking, less feeling' or just blow me off altogether."

Leonard looks thoughtful for a moment. "Mick's always done well with distraction. If he was having a hard time usually pulling a job would get him out of it."

Amy thinks for a moment. Then she grins, and tells Leonard she'll be right back.

She returns a few minutes later, with Mick. He looks apprehensive, but he still follows her into Leonard's room.

Amy pulls out _Heist!_ and when he sees the cover Mick roars with laughter. They sit on the floor in a circle, and play until the early hours of the morning. Leonard and Mick keep playing, and Amy eventually lays her head in Leonard's lap and falls asleep.

She wakes up a little bit later, but keeps her eyes closed and tries to fall back asleep. She feels Leonard stroke her hair out of her face.

"What's this all about?" she hears Mick ask Leonard.

"What do you mean?" Leonard drawls, and she is sure that he knows _exactly_ what Mick means.

"I've just never seen you like this with anybody. I mean, Mazel tov. She's not bad on the eyes. You just don't usually do...this."

They're both quiet for a few moments before Leonard speaks again.

"Everything go okay today?" Leonard's voice sounds casual, but it's pretty clear what he's asking.

"Mmmmm," Mick hums. "Not my best day, but it could have been worse." Mick changes the subject, and it's pretty clear he's done talking. "So...who came up with this ridiculous game?" is the last thing Amy hears before she drifts back to sleep.


	29. Chapter 29

Amy can't stop giggling at "Beebo, God of War." She's glad she's not on mission this time, because she can _NOT _keep a straight face. Leonard stays back on the ship as well, on standby if they are needed.

When Sara's new girlfriend Ava (who runs the Time Bureau) is talking about Beebo Day, Amy actually has to leave the room because she is laughing so hard. They turn the comms on, but eventually just ask Gideon to monitor and let them know if they're needed.

They decide to watch a movie to pass the time. They start out holding hands. When Amy leans her head on Leonard's shoulder, he hesitates for a moment before he puts his arm around her and hugs her to his chest. She wraps her arm around his waist and hugs him back.

When the movie is over, she looks up at him with her chin on his chest. Leonard can't recall ever using the word "cute" in his life, but that's the only word he can think of to describe how she looks at that moment. She smiles at him, and his heart swells. He leans down and kisses her, softly at first.

They keep kissing, and it starts getting a little more heated. He pulls away for a minute, breathing fast.

"Are you okay?" she asks, also catching her breath.

He nods. After a moment, he kisses her again. Their kisses become deeper, and he groans when she nibbles on his bottom lip a little bit. She kisses softly down his neck as they both take a moment to catch their breath. She grazes her fingernails through his scalp and he shudders. She pauses and looks in his eyes questioningly. He nods that he's okay. However, they both slow things down a little bit.

Amy looks thoughtful for a minute, before she asks Leonard, "If you could only live in one season for the rest of your life, what would it be?"

Leonard laughs in surprise. "That might be the most random thing anyone has ever asked me. Why do you want to know?"

"Just curious. I always liked fall. People always seem to complain about it, but I think it's underrated." Leonard snorts, and she lightly smacks him in the chest. "What? Nobody likes fall as well as spring or summer, and I don't get it. The leaves are beautiful, the temperature is comfortable, and Halloween _might_ be the most awesome holiday there is."

Leonard is quiet for a minute. "I like winter."

Now it's Amy's turn to snort. "Of _course_ you do."

"Probably not for the reason you think. The cold always reminded me of my grandfather," Leonard starts. "He died when I was 12, but before that he used to take me and Lisa for rides on his ice delivery truck. It was always cold back there, but we didn't mind because it was somewhere safe. We could just be kids for a little bit, without having to worry about getting hit for once." He smiles wistfully. "Those were some of the best memories I have from when we were growing up."

"Was he your dad's dad, or your mom's?" Amy asks.

"I don't now how Lewis turned out the way he did, but he was my dad's dad. I don't think I ever met my mom's parents. But Lisa was just a baby when she left." Amy squeezes his hand, and he gives her a thin smile. He clears his throat. "Well, that's enough about my depressing childhood for one day. Tell me something I don't know. About you."

"That's tough, seeing as how I know you read all Gideon's files." Amy thinks for a moment, then snaps her fingers. "You know how it's good luck to pick up a penny, but only if it's 'heads'?" Leonard nods. "If I see a penny on the ground that's 'tails,' I flip it over so somebody else will have good luck."

Leonard gives her a look. "You know, somehow that doesn't surprise me at all."

"What do you mean?"

"That just sounds like something you would do." He hesitates for a moment. "You're a _good_ person. It makes me wonder why you spend so much time with me."

"Leonard, _you_ are a good person. You know that, right?"

"The thing is, I'm not. If you knew everything I've done, you wouldn't be here."

"I may not know everything you've done, but I know _who you are_, right now. Good people can make mistakes, and good people can do bad things." Amy looks him in the eyes. "You're a good person. No matter what you've done, that's who you are. And I'm not going anywhere, Len." She squeezes his hand again. "Tell me something I don't know about you."

Leonard thinks for a moment. His opens his mouth, then flushes and closes it again. Amy looks at him expectantly. He sighs. "Since mom wasn't around to teach her, Lisa and I used to put makeup on each other so she could learn how." Amy grins at him. "What? Stop looking at me like that."

"See, Leonard, you are a good guy."

He rolls his eyes at her, but he doesn't bother to hide his smile.


	30. Chapter 30

So, as it turns out, Beebo is _not_ the God of War. (Though he is disturbingly cuddly.)

They're on the bridge, and Sara walks in with someone new, with a British accent.

"I thought we gave the Englishman to the Time Pigs," Mick says matter-of-factly.

"That was Rip. This is John Constantine."

"Skinny Brit in a trenchcoat. Same thing," Mick responds to Sara, who rolls her eyes.

"Oh, doubtful, mate," Constantine interjects. "You see, I am an accomplished warlock, an expert of the occult, and a master of exorcism." He turns and faces Leonard. "I'm also a Taurus, for those of you taking notes." He turns back to address Amaya. "The Anansi totem. That belongs to…"

"Her granddaughter," Nate jumps in. "Same totem. Different Vixen. She's from 1942. You were saying about the warlock thing?"

"Accomplished warlock, mate. Well, I am charmed to know another who bears the family name." He shakes Amaya's hand, who responds with "it's an honor."

"Well, this is too much for me," Mick says abruptly. "Gonna watch TV."

It doesn't take long before Leonard wishes he'd gone to watch TV with Mick. They are actually trying to perform an exorcism. In an asylum. Because, why not. And now they are finding out that the girl they're trying to save from possession is none other than Nora Dahrk, Damien's daughter.

It does not go well, to say the least. Leonard is now stuck back in 1969 with Amy, Sara, and John Constantine. The demon Mallus also said Sara will see his true face soon, which is certainly disturbing.

"Look, they still have the same paintings on the walls," Constantine observes.

"That's how we send a message," Sara whispers excitedly.

"The picture of the blessed virgin that fell off the wall when Nora was possessed," Constantine chimes in, "would still be hanging now in 1969."

"If we write a message on the back of the painting, then the Legends will find it in 2017," Sara completes excitedly.

"Sure, as long as no one _redecorates_ for the next 50 years," Leonard drawls. "Fingers crossed."

They take off for the room where they performed the exorcism. Sara is having a little demon trouble, and Leonard would be lying if he said he wasn't a little worried. However, there's not much time to worry now.

Leonard and Amy break off while Constantine helps Sara. Leonard pulls the painting off the wall and starts to put a message on the back of the painting. Unfortunately, he gets caught. Amy is able to duck behind a cabinet before they spot her, but Leonard gets injected with God-knows-what and strapped to a gurney. He makes eye contact with Amy and gives an almost imperceptible shake of his head. As much as he doesn't want to be at the staff's mercy, he doesn't like her odds against the number of people in the room. Particularly with him drugged.

He is starting to second-guess that decision, however, now that Dr. Feel-Good is trying to lobotomize him. He's never told anyone – Lisa is the only one who knows – but this is not actually his first time in a place like this. Although, much as he hates to admit it, the hospitalization helped him get better, he does not exactly have fond memories of that period in his life.

Luckily, it looks like the other three are back together now – they bust in just before Leonard gets a transorbital lobotomy. Sara has to actually channel Mallus to get back home, which is nerve-wracking even for the _coolest_ members of the team. Leonard is relieved when they make it home. Unfortunately, Damien Darhrk showed up and made sure his daughter stayed possessed, so the Legends will have to fight that battle another day.

Back on the ship, Leonard hears a knock at his door. Amy comes in when he gives the "okay." He gestures for her to have a seat, and she crosses the room to sit on the edge of the bed.

"Hey, just wanted to see if you were okay. It's not every day you have a near-miss lobotomy," she smiles softly at him.

"That was not my favorite mission, to say the least. Nor was it the most successful."

"I was really scared when they took you," Amy says quietly.

"Honestly, so was I," Leonard admits. Amy gives him a hug. Whereas she is normally more cautious with him, she hugs him tightly. It's a while before she lets go. Leonard doesn't mind.

The Legends keep working to stop the Dahrks from releasing Mallus. Leonard shows up to strategy meetings, but that's about all he can handle. He doesn't know if it has to do with their recent asylum visit, or if it's something else, but he feels like he's drowning in quicksand. He avoids the rest of the team as much as possible.

As much as it pains him to admit it, he's dealt with this kind of thing before. It's been a few years since he has been really down like this, and even longer since he actually had to deal with it around other people. He tries to cover up his irritability with snark. He spends as much time as he can alone, so he doesn't have to try to pretend he's okay. He's exhausted, and everything hurts. Embarrassingly, he finds himself tearing up randomly. He feels like he is just surrounded by this dark cloud of sadness. He has fortunately been able to keep his emotions in check around the rest of the team, at least for the most part, but it's getting bad. He cries every day. He starts to feel like it would be better if he just didn't wake up in the mornings. It's the middle of the afternoon, and he has been in bed since last night. It feels like it would take a Herculean effort to get up and take a shower. He hasn't eaten, but he's not hungry anyway.

Amy knocks on his door. He doesn't answer. He knows it's her. She'll probably come in anyway. He's not sure if he cares.

"Leonard, you've been avoiding me and hanging out by yourself for the better part of a week. This is your warning if you're naked. Say something now or I'm coming in." Leonard doesn't respond. Amy walks in and comes over to sit by him on the bed. "Are you sick? What's going on?"

He shakes his head. He doesn't get up or speak otherwise. Amy reaches her hand slowly over and puts the back of her hand on his forehead, then on both cheeks. Leonard barely reacts.

"Leonard, talk to me. Please." He tries to figure out what to say. He opens his mouth, but closes it again when he feels his eyes fill with tears. One spills down his cheek. He makes no move to wipe it away. Amy wipes her thumb softly under his eye and across his cheek. His lower lip trembles, and he bites down on it. His chest hurts. He blinks to clear his vision, but that just sends more tears down his cheeks. Amy strokes her hand through his hair, then gently wipes the tears away. "Len?"

"I don't really know what's wrong," Leonard forces out, his voice thick.

"Okay, how can I help?"

"I don't know," he whispers. He turns on his side, and Amy pulls off her boots and lays down next to him. His shoulders shake with silent sobs. She wraps her arm around him and presses her chest up against his back. She kisses and then rests her cheek against his shoulder. Eventually he stops weeping. He feels empty. Hopeless.

"Have you been in here all day?" He nods. "Have you eaten anything today?" He shakes his head. "Do you want something now?" He shakes his head again. "Len, I'm worried. If you know what's going on, tell me. Otherwise I'm going to ask Gideon." When he doesn't answer, she turns toward the ceiling. "Gideon?"

"I believe Mr. Snart is experiencing what is commonly known as a major depressive episode."

"Len? Have you had those before?" He feels hot cheeks running down his cheeks again. He nods. "Okay, so what do we need to do? I assume you need some kind of medication, right?"

"No, I'll be okay," Leonard whispers tearfully.

Amy looks at the ceiling again. "Gideon?"

"Although we do not have cure for major depression, Dr. Warner, the Waverider is equipped with luradoxitine." Amy doesn't answer, and Gideon continues. "Unlike antidepressants you might have used in your practice, luradoxitine typically has a fairly quick onset of action. It starts symptom reduction within 24 hours, and it has a 98% probability of resolving the episode completely within 1.5 weeks."

"What's the catch?" _Good question_. "What are the side effects?"

"Although it does affect the neurotransmitters serotonin, norepinephrine, and dopamine, a part of its mechanism of action is to cause a cathartic release early on in treatment."

"And by that you mean…?"

"Mr. Snart will need to remain on the ship during that time, ideally with someone to provide emotional support." _Great, so it makes you even more of a mess than you were already?_

"I think you should take it, Len," Amy says quietly. "It's your choice, but I'm guessing your depression can get pretty bad?"

Leonard doesn't know what to do. He doesn't want to take it, but he doesn't know how else to get out of this. The last episode he had was a while ago, but it was terrible. "Fine," he mutters.

"I'll go get it from the medbay." She squeezes his shoulder before she heads out the door.


	31. Chapter 31

Amy is very concerned about Leonard. She did pull Sara aside and let her know that she and Leonard were out of commission for a couple of weeks due to a health issue. Sara didn't press for an explanation, and was understanding about the situation. It sounds like Rip Hunter and Wally West are going to join (or re-join, in Rip's case) Team Legends temporarily. Leonard took the luradoxitine about half an hour ago. Apparently it's a single dose that continues to build up in his system and will actively treat for up to four weeks. If it is needed beyond that (which is rare) then it requires re-dosing. They're both somewhat apprehensive about what's going to occur when the medicine really kicks in.

They're sitting cross-legged on the floor watching Zoolander, which somehow Leonard has never seen, when the dam breaks. They just passed the scene where Zoolander tries to go into the mines like his father and brother. Suddenly Leonard bursts into tears. Amy reaches over and rubs circles on his back. She can see what Gideon was talking about. She has seen Leonard cry, several times, but usually he's still got some measure of control. There is no level of control at the moment—his entire body is wracked with sobs. Amy leans close to him, still rubbing his back and murmuring reassurances.

When he calms a bit, she starts speaking again. "When I was in the medbay, I asked Gideon more questions about this medicine. She said this whole process will be easier on you if you talk about whatever you're thinking about, and how you're feeling."

"I was afraid of that," he sniffles, and then sighs. "I used to try really hard to impress my dad. Nothing was ever good enough. Then I became a world class thief. And I still wasn't good enough." She recalls some of the memories she saw when he was brainwashed. _You always needed one [plan B]. Yeah, but your sister turned out to be a disappointment also. _ _Make me proud, son. Like I care._

"_You _weren't the one who wasn't good enough." She tries to put enough force behind those words to make him believe that.

He scrubs his hands over his face, sighing again. "This is going to be terrible, isn't it?" he asks quietly.

"It's going to be hard," Amy answers. "But it's going to help. And I'll be with you the whole time. I promise." She rests her hand on his forearm and gives it a gentle squeeze. "Do you feel even a little better yet?"

"Other than the complete and utter humiliation? A little," he admits.

"You don't have anything you need to be embarrassed about."

"You keep saying that, but I'm still waiting for the moment when you decide I'm not worth all this trouble." He gives her a half-smile, but it's clear that he's at least partially serious. And it hurts her heart, that he's still waiting for the other shoe to drop – waiting for her to walk out on him. She doesn't know what to say, or what to do. She's pretty sure she's in love with him, but she doesn't know how to tell him, or show him, without pushing him farther than he's ready to go. She shifts to where she can face him, and cups his face in her hands. She kisses him on one cheek, then the other. He closes his eyes. He keeps his eyes closed, and she gently kisses his left eye and then his right before resting her forehead against his. He lets out a shuddering breath before pulling back. His stomach growls just then, and Amy giggles.

"Want to go get some dinner?"

"I'm kind of hesitant to leave this room until that med is out of my system."

"You're going to get cabin fever if you stay in here the whole time," Amy warns. "But I'll got get us something for now. I'm glad your appetite is coming back." She kisses him briefly on the lips before heading out to the kitchen.

Leonard is dreading the rest of this treatment, but it's not like he had much of a choice. He was so depressed it was hard to move. The last episode he had like this lasted for months. He wasn't even eating, and he lost about 40 pounds. Lisa came to his apartment after not seeing him for a few weeks, and she immediately took him to the hospital, checking him in under a false name. He barely spoke to her even when she took him to the hospital.

He is definitely not, no matter how stir-crazy he may get, taking the risk of bawling his eyes out in front of anyone else on this team. He'll stay in his room as long as he has to.

He doesn't _like_ not being in control. Being emotional, about _anything_, always makes him feel like he's losing control. He's grateful that Gideon confirmed to Sara that he would be out of commission, though he is still worried about the team continuing to go up against the Dahrks and Mallus. As much as he hates to admit it, he's more of a liability than an asset at the moment.

He's also grateful that Amy is still there. He doesn't fully get why she hasn't turned tail and run. _Shit._ He feels himself start tearing up again. _No! Get it together! _He is beginning to _hate _this medicine.

And of course, Amy picks that moment to walk back in. He is sure she can tell. _Not that it seems to matter_, he thinks miserably, wondering how he is going to deal not just with the out-of-control emotions themselves but with the embarrassment that they bring.

Thankfully, she doesn't ask. He sees the concern flash across her face, but she just sits next to him with a bag. He looks at her, confused.

"I thought maybe kung fu night would be fun," she says hesitantly. "So I brought Chinese food in take-out boxes for authenticity." She pulls out the boxes and chopsticks, and Leonard feels himself smile a little despite himself. "And I figured we could watch an old kung fu movie while we eat. Gideon? Can you find us something ridiculous and funny? Like Ninja Hunter or something?"

He and Amy sit eating their meals, and Leonard almost spits out his drink when a ninja turns into a giant flying picnic blanket. He has no idea what this movie is even supposed to be about, but he's laughing for the first time in days, and that's something. He starts to think to himself that this is why he loves her…then realizes he can't deal with that thought right now and goes back to laughing at ninjas wearing cat ears.


	32. Chapter 32

"Dr. Warner?"

"Yeah, Gideon?" She whispers back, as Leonard fell asleep about an hour ago and his head is on her shoulder.

"I understand that you are trying to protect Mr. Snart. Unfortunately, if you keep trying to distract him the treatment will not work properly." Leonard shifts slightly, but stays asleep. Amy looks at him fondly. She strokes her hand through his hair, and he smiles slightly in his sleep.

"It's hard to watch him hurt like this." Her voice trembles.

"Of course it is. You love him," Gideon states matter-of-factly.

Any hesitates. "Is it that obvious?"

"Not to Mr. Snart. However, I believe the reason he does not see it is because he does not view himself as worthy of love."

_Well, that's heartbreaking_. She knows that at some point they will need to deal with that. But not today.

"So, what do I do? How do I help him through this?" she asks quietly.

"Exactly how you did earlier today. You held him, and showed him support. As I stated earlier, catharsis is a key component of luradoxitine's mechanism of action. Just as you did earlier, you need to let him cry."

Leonard wakes up on the floor. He's not sure when it happened, but Amy is curled up in his lap, with her head nuzzled against his chest. He realizes he has a bit of a morning situation, and her sitting on his lap is not helping matters. _Great, what's one more embarrassing moment?_

He tries to change their position a little so the situation is a little less noticeable. Unfortunately when he shifts it results in some friction. He accidentally moans, then claps his hand over his mouth. He is relieved when Amy doesn't wake up, and eventually he is able to get himself into a position where his predicament will not be obvious to his companion.

He thinks the medicine is working. He's a little better than he was yesterday. At least he feels like he can breathe again.

He looks at Amy, and wonders again why she puts up with his baggage. She could do so much better. She _deserves_ so much better. He's terrified of the moment when she realizes that, too.

Amy flutters her eyes open, and when she sees him a smile lights up her face. She's giving him that look like he's her hero, and the feeling that he doesn't deserve her is nearly overwhelming. He bites his lower lip, hard, trying to rein his emotions back in. The look on her face changes to one of concern.

"You okay, Len?"

"Peachy," he drawls. He tries for a smirk.

She studies him for a moment. "Len, Gideon told me last night that the treatment won't work if you try to push down what you're feeling," she tells him quietly.

He stands up abruptly, pacing. He stops suddenly and throws a punch at the wall. He paces more, rubbing his hand.

"I know you hate this. I hate that you have to go through it. But it's the only way things are going to get better."

"I cant—". He stops and closes his eyes for a moment. "I just can't," he says, quieter this time.

"What are you afraid is going to happen if you just let go?" Leonard doesn't know how to answer that. He's afraid of so many possibilities that come from losing control. He's not used to caring what other people think of him, but he cares what Amy thinks. He's afraid of judgment, afraid of weakness, afraid to let himself fall apart. How does he tell her that he's afraid that, if he breaks any further, he'll never be able to put himself back together?

She must see the emotions warring on his face, because she approaches him slowly and threads her fingers through his. He tries to let that ground him. "I'm not going to think less of you, if that's at all what you're worried about. I get how hard this is, but you have to let go. Even if you can't talk about it. And I won't ask, if you don't want to tell me." Her voice is as serious as he has ever heard it. "If you need me to leave you alone for a little while, I can. I'd rather not, and I'll worry, but I'll respect what you want." She pauses, presumably to give him an opportunity to ask her to go. When he says nothing, she continues. "But you have to let go of your control and just _let it out._"

He lets out a shuddering breath. "I'm not sure how. Yesterday was…hard for me. And I didn't…see it coming before it…hit me. I…I don't know how to 'let it out' on purpose."

Amy looks thoughtful for a moment. "So maybe take it one step at a time. Don't worry if you can't let it out yet – just let yourself feel what you feel."

Leonard closes his eyes. He takes a deep breath and blows it back out. He opens his eyes again, and Amy gently pulls him into a hug. He's still not used to kindness, and it pushes him over the edge. His eyes well up, and he holds on tightly, pressing his face into her shoulder. He knows she can feel the hot tears soaking into the shoulder of her shirt. She holds him, and runs her hand up and down his back.

He lets himself grieve for things he's lost-such as his grandfather-and for the things that he and Lisa never had. He remembers the fear, and the sense of powerlessness. And for once, he lets himself remember how all the abuse made him feel about himself, without trying to shove those feelings back down as far as they can go. He thinks about all he's had to do in the name of surviving, and the things he's done because he was just too numb, or maybe too angry at the world, to care. And he _weeps._

Once the floodgates open, he doesn't know how to close them. He feels like the sobs coming from deep in his chest will never stop. He doesn't want to think about the fact that his face is probably a mess of snot and tears. He wishes Amy didn't have to see him fall apart over and over again. He wishes even more that he was a little (or a lot) less broken.

Even though it feels never ending, the tears do eventually stop. And he hurts a little bit less. He pulls back from her embrace, turning away and wiping roughly at his face. He dreads the questions that are probably coming—he has no idea how to even begin to put into words everything running through his head.

He laughs out loud when, instead of asking questions, she asks him to teach her how to cheat at cards.

He wells up again when "Tears from Heaven" comes on the radio. Then he glares at the ceiling and asks Gideon how long until this medicine wears off.

"Do you want to get off the ship while the med is in your system? Take a vacation from the Waverider?"

"I guess I haven't really considered it. Maybe I should leave the team for awhile," he answers. "I'm not much good to anybody right now anyway."

Amy gives him a look. "Not what I meant, Len. Staying in this room for weeks doesn't seem like the best idea in the world. If we're not going to be on mission, we could get off the ship for awhile."

"We?"

"Of course I mean 'we.' You're not getting rid of me that easily." She pauses, then asks hesitantly "Did you want me to leave you alone?"

"You have to be tired of watching me fall apart," Leonard says quietly.

"It's hard to see you hurt," she admits. "But it's worth it if I can make this even a little easier for you. This is going to suck no matter where you go through it, but would it be easier for you if we were off this ship? Or if you could spend some time with Lisa?"

"I don't want anybody else to see me like this. It's humiliating."

"Len, you know everybody cries." He scoffs. "Seriously. Do you think anybody on this ship can say that they never cry?"

"Probably Mick."

Amy looks at him incredulously. "Okay, Mick might light me on fire if I tell you this…but did you ever notice that he and I never went on missions together when you were with the Legion?

Leonard thinks back. "I guess, but I never thought much about it."

"When we thought you were dead, I was a wreck. I cried every day. But I tried to keep doing my job. The problem is…my powers went a little haywire, and I didn't realize it right away." She blushes, biting her lower lip. "Since we were out on mission, I wasn't wearing my bracelet. Mick and I were out doing recon, and something reminded me of you." She looks up at the ceiling. "I guess my powers affected Mick more since he was grieving, too. The next thing I knew Mick was sobbing. He wouldn't come near me for_ weeks_ after that."

Leonard remembers them saying they mourned him, but it didn't really sink in at the time. Given what he's going through now, it hits him hard. He opens his mouth to respond, but the words stick in his throat. He feels his eyes filing up again and swallows hard. He wants to tell her how much she means to him, but he doesn't know how. He hesitates for a moment, then takes her bracelet off her wrist. He kisses her, and then rests his forehead against hers.


	33. Chapter 33

Leonard and Amy have been voted off the island.

Well, it feels that way. In reality, they've been benched because Mallus (and apparently all demons) is more likely to possess someone who is emotionally vulnerable. Because of her powers, that describes Amy all the time. Because of his situation right now, Leonard is at high risk as well. He would have stayed on and taken the risk, but Amy refused to leave the ship without him. He left so she would go. Sara dropped them off in the jumpship back in 2016. Leonard didn't say goodbye, even to Mick. He knew he'd break down if he did. No one else needs to see that.

He doesn't know if or when they'll return to the Waverider. To be honest, he's terrified of what will happen now. He is trying to steel himself, now that they're back to regular life, for when Amy realizes she's more than he deserves. Waiting for when she decides he's too old, too much a villain, or just too _damaged. _That he's not worth the effort.

"So, do you have plans for your long-awaited return to Central City?" he drawls, trying to sound nonchalant.

"I'm not sure. I haven't thought about what to do off the Waverider in a long time," she admits. "Do you have a plan?"

_Besides trying to get over my broken heart?_ Leonard just shrugs.

"We could go to STAR labs, help out Team Flash," she suggests. "Or we could just lay low for awhile. I'd love to meet Lisa sometime if that's okay."

It's at that moment that Leonard realizes she never even entertained the idea of going their separate ways. On an impulse he laces his fingers through hers and leans forward to kiss her. His heart swells when she kisses him back. He gets a little choked up, and silently curses his medication.

"I'd rather wait to see anybody until I'm a little more stable. I have an old safehouse – I might hole up there."

"Is there room for two?" Amy asks. Leonard nods. "Sounds great." She grins at him and squeezes his hand.

The safehouse is in walking distance, so they head off to get settled in. Amy offers to pick up dinner, and Leonard briefly wonders if she will come back. He reminds himself that she's not the type to say she will be back and then run off, and decides to take a hot shower to try to relax while she's gone.

Until she comes back, he hadn't really thought about the fact that she might see him in just a towel. He is unfortunately out in the open when she gets back.

"I brought pizza!" she calls as she walks in the door. He doesn't have time to do anything other than make sure the towel is secure around his waist and hug his arms around his chest. "Sorry," Amy looks away, and he both appreciates that and feels self-conscious about the fact that she apparently didn't like what she saw. He flushes, red, then goes into the bedroom and puts on a long-sleeved shirt and pants. He takes deep breaths, trying to push down the tears pricking his eyes.

After they eat (and brush teeth – luckily he still had some toothbrushes stashed in a drawer), Leonard sits down with a book. Amy sits on the couch near him, feet curled underneath her. She pulls knitting needles and yarn out of her bag while Leonard reads. He finds the soft _click-click-click _surprisingly relaxing. Eventually, he realizes he's having a hard time focusing, and puts the book down. He leans forward, massaging over his eyes. He holds up a copy of _Terminator_ and raises an eyebrow at Amy. She nods in agreement, and puts her knitting away while he loads the movie.

They actually don't pay much attention to the movie. Amy leans into him, and before long they start kissing. Leonard pulls back first, breathing fast.

"Are you okay?" she asks, also catching her breath.

"Yeah, I just needed to slow down for a second. I'm fine."

He starts kissing her again, and things are good until she makes contact with the bare skin under his shirt. Suddenly he's somewhere else, much younger and scared and sick to his stomach. He can feel rough hands taking what he didn't want to give. It's too much, and suddenly he pushes away, struggling to breathe. He feels dizzy, and his heart is pounding out of his chest. He hears a painful gasping and realizes it's his own attempts at breathing. He shuts his eyes, trying to block out the room spinning around him. His ears are ringing so loudly he can barely hear Amy calling out to him.

"Len? Breathe, Leonard." She sounds panicked, but it barely registers for Leonard. It's several minutes before he starts to register things around him again. Almost as soon as he comes out of the flashback, he breaks down. Tears are streaming down his face, and he's shaking. He's audibly sobbing, and he's too keyed up to even care about how embarrassing this is. He starts hyperventilating, and the edges of his vision go dark.

"Leonard, look at me. Breathe with me. OK, focus on the sound of my voice. Notice the credit music from Terminator. Keep breathing. Feel the breeze from the air conditioner? Breathe again. Look right here at my face. You're safe. Keep breathing." His breathing finally starts to slow down. He stops feeling like he's going to pass out at any moment. He draws in another long, shaky breath. He closes his eyes, but it does nothing to stop the flow of tears.

"Len? How can I help?" she asks softly. "Do you want to talk about it, do you want a hug or a hand, do you need to just not be touched…?"

He has no idea what he needs, although he's pretty sure he'll panic if he's touched right now. He still feels like he could completely fall apart at any moment. "I'm sorry," he whispers. "I didn't—I'm so sorry." His voice breaks at the end.

"Leonard, you have nothing to be sorry for," Amy answers back. "The first time I was with somebody after my rape, I had a flashback and kneed the poor guy in the groin. This kind of thing happens."

He hears her, but inside he's also hearing Lewis, ex-partners, and others who've hurt him in the past. _You're not worth all this trouble. Nobody is ever going to love you. Why can't you be normal? She's going to leave you just like everyone else. You're always going to be alone. Weak. Pathetic. _And then he's full-on crying again. He buries his face in his hands. 

"Oh, Leonard," Amy says. "Honey, look at me." Leonard shakes his head. "I promise you, it's okay. _We're _okay. You're safe, and I'm not going anywhere." She reaches out toward him and lays her hand on the sofa. "I'm sorry if we were going too fast. I like you. I thought you were okay with where we are, but if you're not, _that's okay_."

It's a long moment before he speaks again, and when he does, his voice sounds muffled and thick even to his own ears. "I can't be what you want. I'm _broken_."

"You're not broken, Len," she says emphatically. "And I don't want you to be anything other than who you are. Like I said before, if you don't want this, I'll respect that. But all I want is _you_."

"I can't understand why," he whispers miserably. "Believe me, I'm more trouble than I'm worth."

"No, believe _me_, you're not." Her eyes flash with anger. "And I'll keep reminding you of that as long as it takes for you to believe it." She looks uncertain for a moment. "I love you, Len." He looks at her in shock. "Don't worry, I don't expect you to say it back. But I wanted you to know."

Len feels like he could start crying all over again. He knows the medication is making him less than stable, but hearing those words from her might have brought him to tears anyway. No one other than Lisa has ever said those words to him. Not in his whole life. He kind of wants to say them back, but the words stick in his throat. He doesn't know if he'll ever deserve her, and he hadn't thought too much about putting a label on how he feels about her. But now that he's thinking about it, he thinks he loves her as much as you can possibly love another person. He loves her more than he thought he could ever love anyone who wasn't Lisa. He rests his hand on hers and squeezes it gently. He looks at her, and he hopes she can see in his eyes what he's not able to say. For the second time since they met, he clicks her bracelet off and lets her feel what he's feeling. He tries to focus on just what he feels for her, and to ignore the terror he feels about baring his soul to her completely. He thinks she understands, because her eyes shine brightly with unshed tears and she's looking at him like he's _everything_. There's so much love in her eyes that his own tears are threatening to spill over. She leans over and kisses him softly on the cheek.

"I know how hard all this is. We'll figure it out together, okay?" Leonard nods.

"For as long as you'll have me."


	34. Chapter 34

They spend about another week together before Leonard feels like he is pretty much back to his usual self. (Though if he gets overly emotional, he still fully intends to blame the medication for as long as possible.). He no longer wants to cry every time he sees a Hallmark commercial, so that's something.

So even though it makes him nervous, he goes ahead and calls Lisa and tells her he is coming back to the apartment they sometimes share. He also told her he was planning to bring a guest – Amy gave up her apartment when they left with Team Legends, and to be honest he doesn't want her to find her own place. He's terrified to ask her, but what he _wants_ is for Amy and Lisa to get along well and for Amy to move in there with him. He gets a sick feeling in the pit of his stomach when he wonders "what if she says no," but he's also somewhat afraid of how Lisa would react to that suggestion.

He's trying to focus on one step at a time so he doesn't drive himself crazy. He and Amy can always come back to the safehouse tonight, which takes some pressure off. He's stressed enough just about Amy meeting his sister for the first time -he's never introduced anybody he's dated to Lisa (not that he's dated much anyway). _What if they hate each other? _

If Amy is more than a little nervous, she's hiding it well. Leonard is sure she can tell that he is practically vibrating with nervous energy by the time it's finally time to go. Lisa tried grilling him for details on the phone, which also didn't help. He's not looking forward to the interrogation portion of the evening.

They head out to walk to the apartment. Leonard is picking at his nail while they wait to cross the street, and Amy slips her hand into his. She squeezes his hand once, then relaxes her hold. Leonard threads his fingers through hers and squeezes back. Her hand helps ground him, and he calms some as they walk in comfortable silence. He briefly debates about letting go of her hand when they reach the apartment, but decides against it.

Lisa opens the door, her face lighting up as soon as she sees him. He sees her eyes dart down to their clasped hands right away.

"Hey, Lenny," she grins. "Who's your friend?"

"Amy, Lisa. Lisa, Amy," Leonard says without further explanation.

"Hey, nice to finally meet you, Lisa." Amy smiles brightly.

"Nice to meet you, too," Lisa responds. "So, how do you and Lenny know each other?"

"Team Legends," Leonard interjects quickly.

"Uh huh," Lisa says, amused.

Leonard keeps hold of Amy's hand and leads her over to the couch. He sits, and tugs her down next to him. He lets go of her hand after she sits. Lisa sits on the chair closest to Leonard. They make a little small talk, mostly about what the Legends have been doing over the last couple of months. Amy offers to go get some pizza so Leonard and Lisa can catch up.

As soon as she's out the door, Lisa turns to Leonard and says "spill."

"Spill what?" Leonard asks innocently.

"You know what. She's obviously not just your teammate." Leonard gives her a look. "Is she your girlfriend?" Lisa asks teasingly.

"How old are you?" Leonard asks, rolling his eyes.

"Oh my…you really like her! Look at you, you're blushing!" Lisa practically squeals in disbelief. Leonard glares at her. "How long have you been together?"

"I don't know, we didn't put a label on it."

Lisa wrinkles her nose. "Okay, if this is a casual sex thing on second thought I don't need details."

Leonard very briefly contemplates leaving it at that just to be done with this conversation. "It's not that either," he says quietly.

Lisa regards him seriously. "Lenny, are you in love?"

Leonard's stomach lurches. "She told me she loves me."

Lisa looks expectant. "Did you say it back?" Leonard shakes his head. "And she's still here with you?" Leonard shrugs and nods his head. "_Do _you love her?"

"I don't know, Lise. I think so, but how do I even know what that means?" Leonard says, exasperated. "And even if I do, it probably won't last."

"So why'd you bring her here? Why introduce us in the first place?" Leonard gives her a helpless look. Leonard starts picking at his nail and avoiding her eyes. Lisa must notice because she takes a deep breath before asking him another question. "Why don't you think it will last?"

"When does anything good ever last? For us?" He smiles sadly at her.

"Lenny, you can't think like that," she says softly. "You deserve to be happy."

"I've done so many terrible things. And I'm so messed up when it comes to this stuff," Leonard replies. "I don't deserve her. And I can't believe she hasn't figured that out yet."

Lisa's eyes flash. "Lenny, you are the best person I know. She's lucky to have you." He scoffs. "Stop that. You're a good person. You're smart, and you're strong, and you take care of the people you love."

Leonard looks down at the floor and bites his lip, trying to push his emotions back down. He takes a deep breath before he admits, almost in a whisper, "I do love her. And I'm terrified of what's going to happen to me when she eventually leaves." He swallows hard, eyes still trained on the ground.

Just then, Amy knocks and walks back in with the pizza. Leonard swipes his hand over his eyes quickly when Lisa looks at the door.

"Hey guys," Amy smiles as she walks in. "Sorry it took a few minutes. I stopped and got ice cream for after dinner." Lisa comes over and takes the bag, and looks at Leonard with her mouth open. She schools her expression before Amy looks back at her. Leonard isn't sure why until he gets over to the table himself and sees a carton of Polar Ice Butter Pecan ice cream.

"Mind if I use the bathroom quickly before we eat?" Any asks, and Lisa shows her where to go. The second the door is closed, Lisa turns to Leonard.

"I'm guessing that wasn't a random selection. Did you tell her about Grandpa?" She whispers. Leonard nods. "How much have you told her?"

Leonard hesitates. "Pretty much everything."

Lisa gapes at him. "Dad, mom, juvie, what we do for a living…?" Leonard nods again.

Amy comes back out of the bathroom, and Leonard is very aware of how much Lisa is studying her. There's definitely no hiding how close they've gotten at this point. He's never told anyone else, even Mick, about his favorite ice cream. There was always butter pecan left over in Grandpa's truck, and he and Lisa would get a scoop at the end of the day every time they rode with him. She even remembered that the ice cream truck carried Polar Ice.

"Ohhhh, it's been so long since I had pizza that wasn't out of a fabricator," Amy moans.

"I love Dimazzios," Lisa replies. "Though fabricated pizza sounds awful."

"There are some things that aren't so bad, but the pizza is…not great."

"How's Mick?" Lisa changes the subject.

"He hasn't caught the Waverider on fire. That's always a plus," Amy deadpans. Leonard snorts. Lisa looks between the two of them, amused. "Leonard tells me you're an awesome ice skater."

Lisa gives Leonard a look. "I don't know about that. But I love to skate. I'm kind of out of practice for the tricky stuff."

Amy smiles at her. "I used to skate when I was a kid, but I tried it not long ago as an adult and I fell so much my rear was frozen for the next week." She chuckles. "But even as a kid my best trick was skating around in circles."

"Any trouble with Team Flash lately?" Leonard asks Lisa.

"No, I think they've been busy with some other speedster. I stay out of their way, they stay out of mine."

Lisa and Leonard talk for awhile about how other Rogues are doing, and a little more about time travel. Amy listens quietly while they catch up and chimes in every so often on the Waverider updates.

"So how come you left the team? Not that I'm not happy to see you."

Leonard starts to respond, but Amy speaks first. "They are fighting a time demon. Apparently demons possess people who are 'emotionally vulnerable.' I'm a meta, and my powers are tied to my emotions so much that I was high risk." She glances at Leonard, but doesn't elaborate on his situation, for which he's grateful. However, Lisa gives him a look and he knows he's busted.

"I had to take some new future medication that made PMS look stable," Leonard mutters. Amy rolls her eyes at him, but she's smiling. Lisa looks worried, so he adds on, "I'm fine now, Lise. I promise."

Lisa isn't thrilled with that answer, but she accepts it for now. They play cards for awhile. When it starts to get late, Leonard asks Lisa if it's okay if he and Amy crash there tonight.

"It's your apartment too, Lenny. Of course it's fine." Lisa looks at Leonard innocently. "Do you want me to make up the couch?"

He glares at her. "My bed's big enough. We can share." He falters for a moment, looking at Amy. "Assuming that's okay?"

"Sounds great." She smiles at him. "Just poke me if I fall asleep out here-I'm still not adjusted to being off the ship."

She does, in fact, fall asleep long before Leonard and Lisa do. Lisa is sitting in the chair, and Amy is laying across the couch with her head in Leonard's lap. He rests his hand on her back while they play.

"It's so weird to see you like this with somebody," Lisa says quietly. "But I'm happy for you, Lenny. It seems like she really loves you."

Leonard looks at Amy for a moment, tracing his fingers in a circle on her back. He hopes Lisa is right. He gathers up his courage. "I was actually thinking about asking her to stay here. If that's okay with you."

Lisa grins at him. "I can't believe it. But yes, if you want to ask her, it's okay with me." Leonard smiles broadly, relieved. Now he just has to get up the guts to ask Amy.

Amy wakes up in the morning in Leonard's bed, though she has no idea how she got there. She remembers falling asleep on the couch, and wonders if she was just completely out of it or if he carried her to bed. She suspects the latter. Her head is resting on Leonard's chest, and she can hear his heartbeat. His breathing sounds slow and steady, and she thinks he is still asleep. His right arm is curled around her, holding her snugly. She waits as long as she can to move, but ultimately nature calls. She manages (somehow) to extract herself from the bed without waking Leonard.

She considers going back to bed, but doesn't want to risk waking Leonard. She goes out to the living room, and Lisa is already awake and making coffee. Lisa holds up a coffee mug, and Amy nods. Amy has a seat at the table while Lisa pours the mugs and brings them over.

"Thanks." Amy smiles at her and takes the mug. Lisa nods in acknowledgement and sits across the table.

They sit in silence for a few minutes before Lisa asks abruptly, "Do you love my brother?"

Amy chokes on her coffee, but recovers quickly. "Sorry, I just wasn't expecting that question right off the bat. I do."

Lisa regards her to warily. "Look, I know Lenny acts like nobody can hurt him. He keeps pretty much everybody at arm's length." Lisa takes a deep breath. "But if he actually lets you in, and you let him down, you'll completely shatter him. If you break my brother's heart, I'll break you."

"That's fair." Amy looks at Lisa. "I love Leonard very much," she says quietly. "I would never hurt him on purpose." Lisa studies her carefully before nodding once.

"In that case…please be patient with him. He's the best guy I know, but it's hard for him to open himself up to getting hurt. I've never met a girlfriend or boyfriend before. I know he told you some about how we grew up. Lenny's used to people letting him down." Lisa sighs. "If you really love him…just don't give up on him."

"I know we just met, and you don't know much about me," Amy starts. "But he and I have some of the same issues with that. I'm going into this with my eyes open, and I know it's going to be hard, for both of us. You have my word-I'm not going anywhere unless it's Leonard's decision."

Leonard comes out and joins them, thus halting the rest of the "What are your intentions" discussion. Amy smiles brightly at him and they say good morning. Lisa excuses herself to the shower and Leonard grabs a cup of coffee and sits next to Amy.

They sit drinking their coffee quietly for a few minutes. Leonard keeps glancing at Amy nervously, and she has to bite her tongue to keep from trying to prod whatever he wants to say out of him. Eventually, he asks her (while staring at his coffee mug) if she wants to stay here.

"Do you mean off the Waverider?" She asks, confused.

"No, I mean do you want to stay here. In this apartment. With me."

Amy looks at him cautiously. "Do you mean until I find a place? Or longer than that?"

Leonard fiddles with his cup, a blush creeping up his cheeks. "I mean stay here and have this be your place. But you don't have to. You can obviously do what you want."

Amy reaches out and takes hold of his hand. "I'd like that." She grins at him. "Are you sure Lisa is okay with that?" He nods in relief. "Then yeah. I'd love to."

Leonard has a hard time stopping smiling after that.


	35. Chapter 35

It's been about a week since Amy moved in, and so far things are going okay. Then Leonard wakes up in the middle of the night drenched in sweat and sits up, gasping.

"Len? Are you okay?" Amy asks groggily, sitting up.

_Can't breathe. Don't cry. Can't breathe. Chest...hurts. _It's the worst nightmare Leonard has had in a long time. _Dad's dead. He's not here._ He can't slow down his breathing, and he feels like his heart might beat out of his chest.

Amy looks more awake now, and looks at him. "Len, can you give me your hand?" He raises a shaking hand, and she takes it in both of hers. Even seeing it coming, he still jumps. She puts his hand over her heart. "Breathe with me, Leonard. Try to match my breathing." She breathes in and out slowly. He can't - "Focus on my heartbeat," she says soothingly. "Can you feel that?" Leonard tries, but he feels like he's _dying _and the air won't go into his lungs. "Keep breathing with me." She takes huge, slow breaths, keeping his hand pressed over her heart.

His breathing finally starts to slow, but the dam breaks. Tears run down his cheeks. He raises his hand (the one that's not trying to ground him enough to _just breathe_), and it's shaking so hard you could see it from across the room. His whole body is shaking, hard. He lets out an audible sob. He lowers his head and rests it on Amy's shoulder. She wraps her free arm around him and strokes his back. He totally loses it. Any level of control he had is gone, and his teeth are chattering in between sobs.

Lisa knocks and comes in. "Lenny, what's going on?" Leonard shakes his head, and if anything he cries harder. His hand clutches at Amy's shirt, fabric clenched in a tight fist. God, he's so ashamed. He never wanted Lisa to see him like this. His heart feels like it's breaking in his chest. He thought he had the nightmares under control, but this one was so bad. He flashes back to being locked in the tiny hall closet without any lights, and hearing Lisa as a child wailing, and the loud slaps of his father whipping his baby sister with a belt while he can't protect her. And it hurts more than freezing off his hand.He can't even bring himself to look at his sister. "Lenny, please..."

Amy keeps rubbing circles on his back. "Leonard, you're safe," Amy says softly. "You're safe, you're in your apartment. Everything is okay. You're okay." His mouth is open, trying to get enough air, and he presses his mouth tightly against the front of her shoulder to muffle his sobs. He feels the bed sink down a bit, and Lisa's sitting next to him. Amy keeps talking to him softly, mostly just variations of telling him that he's going to be okay, that he's safe. He starts a bit when Lisa rests her hand on his back. He doesn't remember the last time Lisa saw him cry. He thinks it's been since they were kids. This feels like just one more thing that he can't protect her from, and the guilt might devour him alive.

He doesn't think the tears will ever stop, but they do.

He still can't look anyone in the eye.

"What happened?" he hears Lisa whisper.

"Nightmare, I think?" Amy says uncertainly. Leonard nods, but doesn't lift his head. He sniffles, and doesn't want to see what his face looks like right now.

"Do you want me to stay, Lenny?" Lisa asks. He pauses a moment and shakes his head. "Okay, you know where to find me if you need to."

Amy keeps rubbing his back, and Leonard lets out a shaky sigh. "Your dad?" She asks quietly. Leonard nods. He sits up and wipes a hand down over his face.

"When I was 12, not long after our grandpa died…" Leonard lets out a shaky breath. "He..." His voice breaks. He takes several deep breaths, willing himself to calm down. He closes his eyes. "Lisa was four. She spilled her juice, and he was so angry. I tried to shield her, and he pushed me into the hall closet and locked the door. I could hear him beating her..." his voice cracks again. He's shaking just talking about this. This is probably the worst memory of his life-which is saying something. His lower lip is trembling, and he bites down on it. He feels a tear run down his cheek. "She kept crying, and calling for me," he says, and after that he can't keep the sobs from starting again. He tries to speak through them, once they slow enough for him to breathe. "Help, Lenny. No, daddy. Please, Lenny, help me." He puts his hand over his eyes. "And I couldn't _do _anything. I was supposed to protect her."

"Leonard, it wasn't your fault. You were a _child_. _He _was supposed to protect _you both_." Amy reaches out, turning Leonard toward her. He doesn't want to look at her at first. She puts her arms around him, and he hugs her tightly, shoulders still shaking with sobs. His breath keeps catching in his throat_._ "I'm sorry that happened to you," she murmurs. "It wasn't your fault."

When he finally calms enough that he can speak, he whispers, his voice sounding broken to his own ears, "This hurts, so much." He takes a breath, trying to keep his voice steady. "How do people deal with _feeling_ stuff all the time?"

"I know it hurts. I wish it didn't," she says back softly. She hesitates a moment before asking her next question. "Have you ever told anybody about that before?" He shakes his head, pulling away briefly to swipe at his face before settling back into her embrace. "Have you dealt with it on your own? Let yourself cry about it before?" He scoffs and shakes his head again. "It hurts more because you never got a chance to let it heal."

"How does it heal?" he asks quietly. He sniffs and scrubs both hands over his face.

"By telling the story. Letting someone tell you that it wasn't your fault, and what you went through just fucking sucks. And by letting yourself feel your feelings so you can let them go. When they stay bottled up they make you angry, or numb, and they just eat you alive."

"You sound like the prison shrinks they tried to make me see," he mumbles.

Amy snorts. "Well, in this case they're not wrong." Leonard looks up long enough to give her a _look_. He's not going to admit that he kind of sees her point.


End file.
